Should I let skint new boyfriend move in for free?

Rick62

melee67 wrote: »

My family and friends all like him - he is a good man, of that I have no doubt .

I didn't post this thread with the intention of implying that he's not good enough for me because he doesn't have enough money, or that I think he is gold digging, and now everyone is questioning whether he is genuine!

You say he is a good man, and I am sure he is very pleasant and fun etc, but a man of 34 who has debts while living free at home, who has his cooking done for him, his washing done for him and doesn't expect to even contribute to costs?

I'm sorry, but he's not a man, whatever his age, he's a spoilt boy.

I'm not saying that because he's poor, nor do I think he is not genuine, he's just not mature and doesn't take responsibility for himself. If you're happy about that then fine, but realise that that is what you are taking on and at 34 he's not going to change much.

Badger_Lady

Rick62 wrote: »

If you're happy about that then fine, but realise that that is what you are taking on and at 34 he's not going to change much.

Very good point - mine was 38! It was only when he hit 42 that I realised he was never going to sort himself out .

PasturesNew

Having just caught up with the new info since page 2, the one prevailing thought I have is of your paying lodger.

At the moment you have a lodger, which is a handy and regular flow of funds into your household.

It might be that if you move your bf in the lodger might move out. Being a single person living with couples can be pretty awful. Especially if the couple are the home owners. You feel you're intruding in space.

When the lodger moved in they accepted that it was your home, your stuff and probably therefore will be prepared to weight things in your favour (e.g. if you leave the washing up undone in the sink and dash off out when they want to cook), having the home-owner's bloke officially living there means that they are now 3rd in the pecking order of rights/decisions.

I am not putting this very well, but the balance of power in an owner/lodger situation isn't 50:50 (no matter what the owner thinks); it's more like 55:45 probably at best. With owner/bf/lodger it might easily become feeling like 40:40:20.

I'd end up staying out of the way and quietly being annoyed as I felt more pushed out.

Then if the lodger does move out, you might find it hard to find another one or your bf might decide he's not keen and try to talk you out of it (it's his home too by now remember).

mlz1413

following on from PasturesNew I was thinking about your lodger too but in a different way.

If I was a lodger paying £x for my use of the house I don't think its very fair to have someone staying over paying £0 (unless lodger isallowed to bring back friends who also stay for free). So that maybe a good way of pointing out to your b/f about contributing to the household.

As lodger is already ok with b/f being there 6 nights a week then maybe they are ok with them staying 7 nights a week, just happier that everyone is on the same terms. Either way PN has made a good point and when you have had your chat with b/f then maybe a chat with lodger to make them feel part of new arrangements would be good.

I would also add that if your b/f says things are too tight at the mo to pay token rent you should consider reducing the nights he stays over, (he can still spend time with you), so that things like use of hot water and cooking for him are reduced while he sorts out his finances.

Hope it goes well

melee67

Hullo again, Moneysavers.

I thought you’d all be interested to know the outcome of the discussions with the boyfriend at the weekend: it was all remarkably positive. While we agreed that neither of us is quite ready to commit to an official moving-in, we’re also agreed that it is something we both want for the future, and are happy to carry on as we are for now. I didn’t even have to bring up the money aspect of the conversation myself, because he said he wouldn’t want to officially move in until he had cleared some of his debts and could afford to pay me a proper rent, or to split a mortgage with me. I mentioned having a written agreement of some kind at that point, and he said he thought it was a good idea – in fact, he said he would be happier with one because it ‘would show my Dad he was serious’. But, until then, he’s going to bung me some token money for food and bills, and keep hammering away at the debt. And, bless him, it might only be a token amount, but he makes up for it in other ways – e.g. being happy to labour away in the garden with me on his day off or washing my car when I’m at work, or enlisting his mates to do jobs for me round the house which we can’t do ourselves (like electrics and stuff). And I’m happy with that.

Badger_Lady made a comment about dependent boyfriends – yup, been there before as well with an alcoholic who I let seriously mess up my finances about four years ago because I kept bailing him out – hence my slight paranoia, perhaps, and my warning early on in this new relationship that I would not lend any money.

With regards to the new comments about my lodger – I have talked to her about it (when the bf started staying over, and again before I gave him keys), and I am confident that she is happy with the situation – and that she would tell me if she wasn’t. She mostly has the run of the house anyway as we all keep such different hours, and she has her boyfriend to stay most weekends, which I am fine with. She has a very big room and a lot of privacy, and a pretty jammy deal on the rent, and all in all it’s an incredibly happy and well-balanced household, so I don’t think she’s going to bail out, though, of course, it is worth considering that if her circumstances change and I need someone new in the future, it might be harder to get someone if we’re living there as a couple. But you can’t always plan for these things, so I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thank you all for your advice and for getting me to think about the different aspects of this situation. Money and relationships are a tricky mix, but I think we’re on the right tracks.

Cheers,
m

kr15snw

Just sharing my experience:

I started to stay at my boyfriends a lot (at least 5 times a week) and was already buying a few things here and there. He sat down with me and explained that we needed to talk finances, which I agreed was fair. His logic was that the water, electric and gas only went up a tad. The mortgage didnt change. But the biggest change was the food bill. And as Im a student he knew I couldnt afford much.

So we agreed that as I wasnt here officially I would buy the weekly shop. This was my input into the house, but we agreed that I wasnt entitled to anything I didnt buy if we split.

Now I have officially moved in and we still keep to this arrangment. We dont have to worry about council tax yet as being student means Im not 'a valid adult:P'.

We have agreed that when I start working we will re assess things, but we may keep it as it is for now. But then look at me paying half when we buy together next year (then I will be entitled to something if we split)

poppysarah

kr15snw wrote: »

We dont have to worry about council tax yet as being student means Im not 'a valid adult:P'.

I understood you were only council tax empty on a property occupied solely by students.

zebulon

poppysarah wrote: »

I understood you were only council tax empty on a property occupied solely by students.

I think it just that here BF pay the CT, once she works, the bill will be split...