Should I let skint new boyfriend move in for free?

3plus1

melee67 wrote: »

I think it is too soon for any sort of official moving-in – i.e. the point at which I make space in the cupboard and he starts getting post delivered to mine and can invite his mates over and choose the channel on the telly. I’ve never taken that step with anyone, and when I do I will do it with the intention of it being forever.

Whether you admit it or not, you are living with this man!

melee67 wrote: »

...there is, as Loretta said, a little niggle in my head. I do not want to be taken for granted. Equally, I do not wish to profit from him. Ultimately, I want him to be able to get everything in shape so that when the time is right, we could take that forever-step.

Personally speaking, I don't think six months is too short a length of time to know if you want to be with someone for the long haul and make a proper go of things. However, I think you do. The fact that you say your boyfriend isn't living at your place when he really is, suggests that perhaps you think you think you've moved too fast.

Do you actually want your boyfriend to split the bills with you?

Or would you rather he moved back in with his parents?

Either way, you do need to have a chat with him. You said it wouldn't be "easy territory", but you'll feel better when you both know where you stand. Really.

melee67

Yes, you're right, I am living with him in all but name, and it has all happened very quickly, which is perhaps what is unnerving me. But not for the world would I have him move back to his parents.

Hey ho. Big chats for the weekend...

Loretta

melee67 wrote: »

Oh gosh, thank you all - I didn't expect such a big response. And some really good points. In response, or to clarify bits:

My situation
Yes, I have worked very hard to get where I am. I do still have student debts of my own, but I have everything very well under control (it took some time and some growing up). I actually met the new chap when I wanted some extra money in the run up to Christmas and, determined not to borrow anything, I took some bar shifts in my local on top of my full-time job (he's the manager). That's turned into a regular thing and I do two shifts a week now as the extra money helps out a lot and I would miss it too much now to not have it! Also, it’s not bad to be paid to spend time with your boyfriend!

His situation
Technically, he lives at home with his parents, paying his mum nominal housekeeping and getting his meals cooked and laundry done, only, of course, he's never actually there anymore, and I’m cooking his meals (although as he works quite a few evening shifts, I’m not feeding him every night, and I make a point of not doing his laundry, which gets taken home to mummy every so often). I suspect he has never had to pay a 'proper' rent as most of his jobs have come with live-in accommodation. He has been very open with me about his situation right from the start, and I was equally open with him: I told him right from the word go that I would not give him money or get tied to his debt in any way, and to be fair on him he doesn’t ask me to help – apart from sometimes using my debit card to make a payment, and he always gives me the cash back on the spot. He was totally overwhelmed by the scale of his debt, and was effecting a head-in-the-sand approach, but I have got him to look at it all and we’re now making claims for charges, etc, and ordering the debts so he pays off the most expensive ones first. It’s scary, but it’s not insurmountable.

Lodgers and rent
I actually do have a lodger already. Her room rent is offset against the mortgage, and she pays me an additional £75 a month towards bills and council tax.

Is it too soon?
I think it is too soon for any sort of official moving-in – i.e. the point at which I make space in the cupboard and he starts getting post delivered to mine and can invite his mates over and choose the channel on the telly. I’ve never taken that step with anyone, and when I do I will do it with the intention of it being forever. At that point I would definitely draw up an agreement to say the house is mine and all mine, and that he could never make a claim on it. And I would expect him at that point to pay half of everything except the mortgage (and any kind of work I might have done on the house). And I won’t let this happen until his finances are in much better overall shape.

My dilemma remains over this in-between time. I love him being there, which is why we have so quickly got into the current situation, and I do trust him, but there is, as Loretta said, a little niggle in my head. I do not want to be taken for granted. Equally, I do not wish to profit from him. Ultimately, I want him to be able to get everything in shape so that when the time is right, we could take that forever-step.

The solution?
I think, perhaps, I need to be a bit braver, and talk to him directly. He’s terribly bad at dealing with anything he feels to be a criticism, so it’s not easy territory. But I shall order some of these thoughts and see what we can make of it all...

Thank you, everyone. Let me know if you have any more thoughts or questions! And I’ll let you know what he says...

Thank you for all the new information. What I said in my previous posts I said on the information we had then and now I know more I am more sure of what I said. There are very big and important differences between you

Before Christmas you needed extra money so you took on extra work, you
thought that was the right thing to do to avoid debt. I did say in a previous post that I thought he should do that as he is actually in debt but he hasn't has he?

'Technically he lives with his Mum' and we all know how much Mums charge! '
'He has never had to pay proper rent', so he has never had to pay any housing costs, lived with Mum, or in accomodation with his job where he gets fed and never had normal household bills presumably and he still has debts that you say he is overwhelmed by and you find scary!

! Where did these debts come from? he has really never had any basic living costs so his wages, however low, have been pocket money and he still could not manage.

You have been open with him, that's a shame he now knows how much you are worth. You have given him money, not cash but in kind, he is at your house 6 days a week, he eats sometimes, uses the heating and hot water etc. Does he still pay his Mum now that he is not there 6 days a week? if not he is paying nothing for his living expenses

You needed more money so you took a lodger, excellent you really have got your head screwed on, you are not in debt and if you need more money you get a 2nd job and have the inconvenience of a lodger, all very sensible.

His laundry - he could use your washing machine, he could go to the launderette or he could use his mother's washing machine but no he takes it home to mummy every so often! does she iron it for him too? how old is this child who now has 2 Mummies to support him and wait on him hand and foot?

For debt advice there is this wonderful site, CAB and lots of other places to help him sort his debts out but he has his own debt advisor, isn't he lucky!

It is too soon for him to move in, not because 6 months is too short a time but because if you had met him 10 years ago he would probably be in the same situation as he is in now and then 10 years would be too soon.

'I do not want to make a profit from him' I would say that there is very little chance of that! I think that what you would really like is a relationship with someone who like you is a responsible grown up! do you think that any time in the forseeable future he may become one?

I am sure that there are exceptions but most people have an attitude to money that does not change over a life time. You only have to read this site to see that different attitudes to money can ruin a relationship and debt can ruin your life.

'when the time is right to make the forever step' the time isn't right yet, take your time, what is the rush? just do the good bits for as long as it takes you don't have to make a decision about anything

'He's terribly bad at talking about anything that he feels to be a criticism' how bad? what does he do? does he refuse to talk about it? so he is not ready to deal with his debts, you are doing it for him, does he get angry? how angry?
So if he moves in you will not be able to discuss anything with him because he may take it as a criticism. This is not an inbetween time it is just a stage in your new relationship that you are in at the moment and it could be a good time with no responsibilities,

I am just pointing out things I have noticed from your posts that you may want to think about. I could be having this conversation with my daughter who is probably around the same age as you and could well be in the same situation, her friends definitely are and have discussed all this with me both before and after it has all gone wrong!

Have you got parents? do they like him? what do your friends say? do they like him? These sort of men can often be very good looking charmers

Just slow down and think hard, I shall worry about you now

Snooze

melee67 wrote: »

I would definitely draw up an agreement to say the house is mine and all mine, and that he could never make a claim on it.

[...]

He’s terribly bad at dealing with anything he feels to be a criticism, so it’s not easy territory.

[sings]# I see trouuuuuuuuuuuuuuble ahead .... [/sings]

Personally, if I were him and you presented me with a sheet of A4 listing my terms and conditions, I would give it straight back to you saying things like "dream on" and "I thought you trusted me". :rolleyes:

Pathetic it may sound, but let's get real here; if you can't trust him enough to let him live there without such T&Cs then perhaps you should be considering whether he's the right person for you at all.. Ho-hum..

Rob

phildamb

hm if you are concerned about him free loading then why are you together....if one of the first things you said to him was that you didnt want to lend him any money or give him a free ride...this all sounds like a bad foundation to me!

A new relationsip money shouldnt come into it...if you are going to not let him move in it should be because its too soon not because hes not wealthy enough for you!

margaretclare

I agree with all that Loretta has said above.

It's not the length of time you've been 'together' that concerns me. 6 months, 6 days, 6 years, is of less concern than the difference in your financial outlook.

Loretta wrote:

I am sure that there are exceptions but most people have an attitude to money that does not change over a life time. You only have to read this site to see that different attitudes to money can ruin a relationship and debt can ruin your life.

This is basically true, although I would add - some of us can and do change, can learn in other words! But you have to WANT to learn.

It often happens through life that one partner earns more than the other. That's common, and needn't be a barrier - but both partners have to basically be singing from the same hymn-sheet, have the same long-term attitude and outlook, be in agreement about long-term goals. For example, my DH always castigates me for being what he calls an 'impulse spender'. Yes, I am, but so long as I keep my 'impulses' within the limits of what I can afford every month, and we both contribute equally to the household bills and important things in life, it doesn't cause any problems.

I had a rather unpleasant thought - could it be that this young man is making use of TWO women, you and his mother? Because there are some who seem to use their fit body and attractive personality to - no way of putting it more gently - freeload. Have you considered that possibility?

HTH

Loretta

phildamb wrote: »

hm if you are concerned about him free loading then why are you together....if one of the first things you said to him was that you didnt want to lend him any money or give him a free ride...this all sounds like a bad foundation to me!

A new relationsip money shouldnt come into it...if you are going to not let him move in it should be because its too soon not because hes not wealthy enough for you!

I don't think she is bothered about how much he earns she just doesn't want to keep him or lose half her property. She is asking if we think he in genuine, the fact that she is asking makes me think she has a bit of a bad feeling

I think that he has probably decided that she is wealthy enough for him!

phildamb

Loretta wrote: »

I think that he has probably decided that she is wealthy enough for him!

Has she given an indication that she believes he is after her money? Not everyone who has no money is looking to leech from someone who has it...

3plus1

phildamb wrote: »

Has she given an indication that she believes he is after her money? Not everyone who has no money is looking to leech from someone who has it...

True. It could just be that, having never run a household before, he has no idea how much it is actually costing the OP.

I think we should all withhold judgement until the OP actually suggests to her boyfriend he contributes - if she suggests an amount, he may well agree to it without hesitation. If he refuses to pay a fair amount he can afford, well, then, yes, let's call him a !!!!!!!!!! and attack him. But give the bloke a chance!

mlz1413

Snooze wrote: »

[sings]# I see trouuuuuuuuuuuuuuble ahead .... [/sings]

Personally, if I were him and you presented me with a sheet of A4 listing my terms and conditions, I would give it straight back to you saying things like "dream on" and "I thought you trusted me". :rolleyes:


Rob

Snooze I think you are being Harsh!

OP has struggled to get a place and is struggling to keep it, all done before she met current bf - so why can't see say if you come and live with me I need you to sign an agreement to say you won't take anything I had before you came?

She isn't saying 'never will I share with you', just whilst he lives with her I
want to protect what I have'.

I say very sensible and make sure you do it!