Should I let skint new boyfriend move in for free?

phildamb

melee67 wrote: »

This aspect for me is non-negotiable - I'd simply be protecting what I'd worked for, and, to some extent, protecting him as well - i.e. saying the house is mine - I will never ask you to pay for it, and you will never ask for a share of it. Things would obviously be different if we could buy a place together, but that's light-years away.

I think it's practical, not cynical. Given the significant proportion of relationships - married and non-married - which end acrimoniously, I think it would be madness to be ruled by your heart and do it any other way. This part, at least, is very clear to me. And I would be mistrustful of anyone who refused to sign such a thing...

But in the same instance a person asking you sign such a thing is being told "I dont trust you"....if it is this case or that you dont trust him enough to manage his own money correctly or to be fair or even feel that you cant speak to him about it...it sounds to me like its not meant to be....sorry to sound so black and white on it..but their is two sides to this. If you say he doesnt react well to criticism how do you think he will react to being approached with a contract to live with his GF and being interviewed about his personal financial situation??

mlz1413

melee67 wrote: »

.

I didn't post this thread with the intention of implying that he's not good enough for me because he doesn't have enough money, or that I think he is gold digging, and now everyone is questioning whether he is genuine! I feel as if I have been disloyal to him.

Melee67 - I think this thread has thundered ahead of your situation, you wanted a bit of 3rd party advise on are you being reasonable and I think the 1st page answered you.

From then on the thread seems to have gone on to presume many things all which are way over having that chat at the weekend.

I think you have your head screwed on the right way and I'm sure you will tackle the 'issue' of staying 6 nights a week and contributing to the household (very much like your lodger does) very well.

You have not been disloyal by trying to get advise! Please don't worry.

Loretta

3plus1 wrote: »

True. It could just be that, having never run a household before, he has no idea how much it is actually costing the OP.

I think we should all withhold judgement until the OP actually suggests to her boyfriend he contributes - if she suggests an amount, he may well agree to it without hesitation. If he refuses to pay a fair amount he can afford, well, then, yes, let's call him a !!!!!!!!!! and attack him. But give the bloke a chance!

This man is in the catering trade so he at least must know the price of food for as start, and a manager he must have some financial know how

The OP doesn't know what to think, she has very clearly given us a list of things that are happening and asked from some advice. I have only interpreted these facts, I have not presumed anything.

She is not sure that is why she has asked for our advice, we can read what she has said without being distracted by a pair of big blue eyes and a lot of charm!

Snooze

phildamb wrote: »

the initial problem if she presented him with such as document is that he would believe she was going to be a pain to live with and be monitoring everything he does and show no trust. Its a very very very bad basis for any relationship or beginning. If this was just some person intending on sharing board then that would be fine. But this is supposed to be someone she cares about. A contract of Terms and Conditions does not shout "I care", more like "Im suspicious of your intent and I distrust you!". So yes I think I would hand such a document back to...

YES! Exactly my thoughts. I consider myself quite wordly and am open-minded to the vast majority of things but I most certainly would not be happy for my g/f to present such a document to me for signing!! As for other less worldly and open-minded people, I can see it being the cause of some HUMUNGOUS arguments..........

:eek:

Rob

melee67

phildamb wrote: »

But in the same instance a person asking you sign such a thing is being told "I dont trust you"....if it is this case or that you dont trust him enough to manage his own money correctly or to be fair or even feel that you cant speak to him about it...it sounds to me like its not meant to be....sorry to sound so black and white on it..but their is two sides to this. If you say he doesnt react well to criticism how do you think he will react to being approached with a contract to live with his GF and being interviewed about his personal financial situation??

To be honest, I think he'd be okay with that - I think he'd understand the intention, though I agree with lostinrates that I ought to bring it up sooner rather than later so it doesn't seem to come out of the blue. But that's not quite where we're up to or my priority concern because I know I'm not ready to make that committment yet!

Loretta

phildamb wrote: »

the initial problem if she presented him with such as document is that he would believe she was going to be a pain to live with and be monitoring everything he does and show no trust. Its a very very very bad basis for any relationship or beginning. If this was just some person intending on sharing board then that would be fine. But this is supposed to be someone she cares about. A contract of Terms and Conditions does not shout "I care", more like "Im suspicious of your intent and I distrust you!". So yes I think I would hand such a document back to...

This is early days in the relationship, she is worried she may lose her house, he may think she will be a pain to live with etc these are the things they are in the process of learnign about.

I am sure they would both like to find out what the other one thinks before he moves in

There is no rush

melee67

mlz1413 wrote: »

Melee67 - I think this thread has thundered ahead of your situation, you wanted a bit of 3rd party advise on are you being reasonable and I think the 1st page answered you.

From then on the thread seems to have gone on to presume many things all which are way over having that chat at the weekend.

I think you have your head screwed on the right way and I'm sure you will tackle the 'issue' of staying 6 nights a week and contributing to the household (very much like your lodger does) very well.

You have not been disloyal by trying to get advise! Please don't worry.

Thank you! I will keep my fingers crossed for a reasonable and adult discussion which makes our relationship even stronger.

Snooze

I'd love to be a fly on the wheel to see his face when Melee presents him with the document and says "by the way, Dear, here is your Contract of Residency which I'll require signing and dating before you move in".

:rotfl:

Rob

clutton_2

there is only one thing to do - talk to him - whether he finds it difficult or not - talk to him about all the feelings and fears you have expressed here - go out for a meal - a "neutral" place where he cannot make a scene - and talk to him openly and from your heart

his responses will then tell you what his heart is all about

good luck

Loretta

lostinrates wrote: »

I think the initial problem is that they haven't talked about it already, an the next is how she'll raise it.

DH and I did just that when we first met, we got a brief agreement written up and kept finance and romance separate. I don't know, but it worked REALLY well for us! BTW DH was a bit o a loose canon with money then too, and now he's much better, and more importantly we've struck a balance that I inspire us to squirrel it away, he encourages us to keep a wee bit out to live with now too. Its a match made,not in heaven, but the inital pragmatism of the finances. At no point was it an issue of distrust, but rather one of wanting to protect EACH OTHER as much as ourselves. I would be shocked if out of nowhere an agreement and pen was put infront of me, but not by a discussion that led to such an agreement being suggested. Not only would I not consider this a bad basis, but in fact the very best. So much in young relationships is ambiguous, its good to have what can be made either secure or protect so so that the bits that must remain floaty can grow, or decline with both sides knowing that it is the relationship not their money or security that is in question.

I honestly see this as something that can benefit both the OP, her chap and their relationship if all is good elsewhere in the relationship.

Yes they should be able to discuss what their arrangment would be if he moved in, not just money but who is going to wash up etc

In one of her posts she says 'he is terribly bad dealing with anything he feels to be a criticism so it is not easy territory' that is a bit worrying

I asked if her parents and friends like him and she said they did but she had made sure her Dad did not know about his debts, that's a bit worrying too