Should I let skint new boyfriend move in for free?

Loretta

I was quite interested in this post although I personally don't have any experience with it.

My daughter is a professional and so are many of her girlfriends and they have bought their own homes and support themselve having struggled in the beginning to get into this position and some still struggling, buying a house takes all your money and more. My daughter is very sensible (so far fingers crossed) but I have noticed a trend with some of her girlfriends during the past 2 or 3 years that these clever well educated girls seem to have been targeted, I have to say that as it has happened to so many of them that it cannot be coincidence, by real wasters, the plumbers who cannot get out of bed in the morning and 2 years later still have a dripping tap in the bathroom, the ones who are 'finding themselves' the ones who are between jobs and have been for years, all of them with debts, fines, not paying CSA, hiding their car each night as they are behind with the payments, men with absolutely nothing to offer and a couple of them violent.

When the break comes, as it does, they then have to fight off these men who, not content with a few months free board and lodging and free sex, also want half the house!!

Apart from anything else it is plain bad manners to expect to move in and not pay your way. I don't suppose you have loads of money and can afford to keep another adult, even if you wanted to.

There are good men out there who want a relationship which includes being grown up, respect and an equal footing/responsible in everything.

If you were my daughter I would be very concerned.

You've only known him 6 months, yes I know love and all that we have all been there! but what is the rush for you?

Where does he live now?, is he paying and how much? how did he get the debts? what is he doing about them? Does he have a real job? how long has he had it?

I would want to know more before you make this very big move, and for you it is a very big move with huge financial implications, for him it is a very comfortable move, into free comfortable accomodation with all facilities and regular sex.

This may not sound very romantic but this is what is happening. You girls are now achieving so much before you share it or risk losing half, stop wait and think. It will take a lot to get back into your current position of it all goes wrong.

I knew one day I would turn into a boring old f.........! I just wish that we actually could put an old head on young shoulders

seven-day-weekend

Just to say it doesn't necessarily have to be too soon, we married four months after meeting on a blind date and this year celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary.

BUT he needs to go 50/50 on bills and food if he's moving in.

PasturesNew

emsywoo123 wrote: »

IMHO, 6 months is NOT too soon, depending on the couple!:D

But after 6 months you can't tell. It's a big gamble which could go really wrong.

For people who will be spending their lives together, it doesn't matter if it's 6 months or 6 minutes... but how many people really fall into that category?

If you'd moved in with everybody you'd dated for 6 months ... how many mistakes would you have under your belt by now?

It all adds extra stress and heartache if you realise you didn't know the person. 6 months isn't time for people to let their guard down if they're not the one. It doesn't give time for any "rose tinted glasses off" moments.

I've never lived with anybody ... but then come to think of it nobody's ever asked. Damn I must be hard work!

Fluffi

I completely agree with Loretta's post about being concerned. I've also seen this sort of thing happening to women I know being who have let men move into their houses.

One lady I know had to go through a messy breakup after catching her bf cheating on her and then on top of that had to fight him for her home and the possessions that she'd paid for within her home too because she'd allowed him to move in!

Please just be careful you don't get taken advantage of by your skint boyfriend! Do you why and how bf got himself into debt?

If I were the OP I'd get the boyfriend to pay for his share of the food for the 6 days of the week he is at the flat. If you you do decide you want him to move in then I'd charge rent and a contribution towards council tax (especially as you'll lose your single person discount), phone, gas and electric.

I've never had anyone live with me so I don't know if my next suggestion is possible but I'd also find out about getting a legal document drawn up to protect you from him making any claims to your property if you did split up. If he's a decent bloke and not after you for your money he shouldn't have any problems signing it.

I'd get the rental and bill charges written down too if he bulks at the idea of signing a formal agreement I'd be very wary and I wouldn't let him move in. Then you'll know if he wants you as a girlfriend or as Pasture's New said "Like a replacement mum with sex".

Loretta

These days things can be more compicated. You can fall in love very quickly and it can last for ever and you build a life together and that's it. Most people used not to have their own house already especially girls but that has changed now The OP is a grown up who has worked hard and bought her own home, the boyfriend hasn't bought his own home, has debts and it seems has not yet offered to pay anything for the time he already spends at her home and she says his weekly wage goes mostly on paying his debts. Her home is at risk if she lets her heart rule her head.

The fact that she posted on here shows that under all that love, lust and hormones something is niggling in her head and she is not sure everything is as it should be.

The relationship is unequal. He is not even offering or able to pay for his share of the groceries etc. now when he spends so much time with her. Why does he think she should be paying all this for him? or perhaps he is unaware of the cost of living and that is how his debts arose in the first place

If he was serious about her he should realise and have some pride that he is not at the moment in a position to move in and should spend the next few months working day and night, why can't he get extra work in the evening and the weekends to clear his debts. Then he could suggest how they budget should he move in, it seems from the post that he has not mentioned any kind of arrangement for paying his share. Then they could start this new relationship and their life together on a more equal footing

3plus1

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the point of asking "Should I let him move in?" when he's already moved in. 6 days out of 7 together means you're living together.

My boyfriend earns less than me, but we both still contribute to all household bills (that includes groceries). I worked out how much money we needed between us each month then split that according to our take home pay - I obviously put in a higher percentage than him. I don't think "splitting everything down the middle" is fair for most couples - split things according to how much you're actually earning. That's the best way to do it. In your case, I'd maybe split things according to your take home pay and his take home pay minus compulsory debt repayments.

If he's as bad with money as you suggest, it would probably be good for him if you took the lead financially.

mlz1413

I've come in a bit late on this thread, but I would say if you cannot approach the subject of money with him then he is not the right one!

You may feel that you earn more etc but what each of you has done with your money up to now is not the issue. The issue is you have a relationship together. If you want that to stay at seeing each other then that's fine, but if you want to move forward as a relationship then you have to talk openly about what will involve. If you feel uncomfortable discussing that openly then it is either too soon or the relationship is on the wrong footing.

Have a think about how you would feel if you went to his 6 nights a week and how you would feel about being asked to contribute. Then discuss the matter with him, money should not be a taboo subject in a serious relationship.

melee67

Oh gosh, thank you all - I didn't expect such a big response. And some really good points. In response, or to clarify bits:

My situation
Yes, I have worked very hard to get where I am. I do still have student debts of my own, but I have everything very well under control (it took some time and some growing up). I actually met the new chap when I wanted some extra money in the run up to Christmas and, determined not to borrow anything, I took some bar shifts in my local on top of my full-time job (he's the manager). That's turned into a regular thing and I do two shifts a week now as the extra money helps out a lot and I would miss it too much now to not have it! Also, it’s not bad to be paid to spend time with your boyfriend!

His situation
Technically, he lives at home with his parents, paying his mum nominal housekeeping and getting his meals cooked and laundry done, only, of course, he's never actually there anymore, and I’m cooking his meals (although as he works quite a few evening shifts, I’m not feeding him every night, and I make a point of not doing his laundry, which gets taken home to mummy every so often). I suspect he has never had to pay a 'proper' rent as most of his jobs have come with live-in accommodation. He has been very open with me about his situation right from the start, and I was equally open with him: I told him right from the word go that I would not give him money or get tied to his debt in any way, and to be fair on him he doesn’t ask me to help – apart from sometimes using my debit card to make a payment, and he always gives me the cash back on the spot. He was totally overwhelmed by the scale of his debt, and was effecting a head-in-the-sand approach, but I have got him to look at it all and we’re now making claims for charges, etc, and ordering the debts so he pays off the most expensive ones first. It’s scary, but it’s not insurmountable.

Lodgers and rent
I actually do have a lodger already. Her room rent is offset against the mortgage, and she pays me an additional £75 a month towards bills and council tax.

Is it too soon?
I think it is too soon for any sort of official moving-in – i.e. the point at which I make space in the cupboard and he starts getting post delivered to mine and can invite his mates over and choose the channel on the telly. I’ve never taken that step with anyone, and when I do I will do it with the intention of it being forever. At that point I would definitely draw up an agreement to say the house is mine and all mine, and that he could never make a claim on it. And I would expect him at that point to pay half of everything except the mortgage (and any kind of work I might have done on the house). And I won’t let this happen until his finances are in much better overall shape.

My dilemma remains over this in-between time. I love him being there, which is why we have so quickly got into the current situation, and I do trust him, but there is, as Loretta said, a little niggle in my head. I do not want to be taken for granted. Equally, I do not wish to profit from him. Ultimately, I want him to be able to get everything in shape so that when the time is right, we could take that forever-step.

The solution?
I think, perhaps, I need to be a bit braver, and talk to him directly. He’s terribly bad at dealing with anything he feels to be a criticism, so it’s not easy territory. But I shall order some of these thoughts and see what we can make of it all...

Thank you, everyone. Let me know if you have any more thoughts or questions! And I’ll let you know what he says...

Icey77

I think the "6 months is too soon" could be a little bit rigid - it really does depend on the couple. I moved in with my BF after 6 months. I had sold my flat and was buying another locally to him and he asked me to move in with him.

I really did mean it to be a short term fix whilst my purchase went through ... in the end the transaction took 8 months and I have not moved out :rolleyes: I now rent out the flat I bought.

2 years later we're still going strong and we're muttering about buying a house together.

I pushed the issue of contributing to the household expenses. I pay £400 a month which is my half of food, gas, electricity, water, TV licence, Broadband etc etc and also £250 a month "rent". My mother advised me to do this so that in the event of a breakup I could walk away with my head held high knowing I had not ripped him off or played him for a mug.

I certainly agree with the comments made that you have to be able to talk about money in an adult way - it's not easy when the incomes are his and hers but if you can you should be proud of yourself!

lostinrates

I think you are right to talk to him about it. You seem very sensible, but I do think the current situation is leaving you taken advantage of slightly, all the more so for it being 'unofficial'.

Anyway, I wish you great luck for your talk with him and a sincere hope that it results in a stronger relationship, as this kind o thing can!