Should I let skint new boyfriend move in for free?

Loretta

phildamb wrote: »

But it stands a very good chance of being an incorrect assumption and seems a bit like branding a person we dont know.

That's what discussions are for

jimc_2

Clutton's right. An intimate meal, but instead of confronting with a legally drawn up Tenancy Agreement (which would not go down well with anyone to be honest!) how about turning the tone away from confrontational to more 'planning for the long-term'.

How about starting off the chat with "Look (insert petname here) we're obviously getting serious and it's about time to move on to the next stage. How would you feel about moving in with me?".......(petname says YES!)........"Ok but we need to be adult about this. Moving in changes a lot, and not just in personal terms. We have to set things up properly for the future. You'll need to register for Council tax and stuff. Would you do that? ("Yes of course") Ok and we'll need to keep everything above board about our finances. How would you feel about contributing a little as rent? I know you can't afford a lot right now so we could start off with a just a few pounds as a token rent until you're sorted."

Once he's agreed to that, you've got the legal position taped without hassle. Leave the other financial stuff until later if you're worried about reaction. I once heard a tale about a similar situation where it was all solved by a mutual shopping trip and then the question "OK how are we going to split this?" when unpacking. Nice and ambiguous if you want to deny a financial hint later!

melee67

Loretta wrote: »

I asked if her parents and friends like him and she said they did but she had made sure her Dad did not know about his debts, that's a bit worrying too

Well, I didn't want Dad worrying about all the things that have come up on this forum... he's a bit of a snob and very good at jumping to conclusions about people based on their background (despite having worked his way up with no qualifications himself, of course!). I didn't think disclosing the debt was necessary or fair.

melee67

jimc wrote: »

Clutton's right. An intimate meal, but instead of confronting with a legally drawn up Tenancy Agreement (which would not go down well with anyone to be honest!) how about turning the tone away from confrontational to more 'planning for the long-term'.

How about starting off the chat with "Look (insert petname here) we're obviously getting serious and it's about time to move on to the next stage. How would you feel about moving in with me?".......(petname says YES!)........"Ok but we need to be adult about this. Moving in changes a lot, and not just in personal terms. We have to set things up properly for the future. You'll need to register for Council tax and stuff. Would you do that? ("Yes of course") Ok and we'll need to keep everything above board about our finances. How would you feel about contributing a little as rent? I know you can't afford a lot right now so we could start off with a just a few pounds as a token rent until you're sorted."

Once he's agreed to that, you've got the legal position taped without hassle. Leave the other financial stuff until later if you're worried about reaction. I once heard a tale about a similar situation where it was all solved by a mutual shopping trip and then the question "OK how are we going to split this?" when unpacking. Nice and ambiguous if you want to deny a financial hint later!

You're a star! Thank you very much.

Phirefly

Sometimes you just drift into things and before you know it it seems wholly inappropriate to start laying it down, so the above suggestions from jimc are great.

In answer to the original question, should you let him move in for free, well it seems thats pretty much been conclusively and universally decided. The question is now, where do you go from here? Good luck with your reasonable, adult discussion

jimc_2

Thanks melee67. That's my feminine side coming out! Also, I know what worked on me!

I wish you all the best for the future!

ashcarrot

I would go through his finances and really consider if moving in is gonna help him or not. Would living at home give him more of a push to sort things out with the offer of being able to move in when he;s in a better position?

margaretclare

I would worry about a man in his mid-30s who still takes his washing home to Mum.

That says to me: he hasn't yet thought about living independently. He isn't going to, is he, if he moves in with the OP?

moanymoany

If you are asking the question you already know that the answer is NO!

Badger_Lady

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Sorry but, based on my previous experience, the alarm bells are ringing and siren-ing and awooga-ing all at once!

A man who's never had to stand on his own two feet? Who's been accustomed all his life to being looked after? I don't know the guy and am prepared to be proved long, but there's a strong likelihood he'd just become dependent on you. And, as the caring soul you are, you'll just continue to look after him without realising how bad it's getting until it's too late and you break your heart...

Can you tell I had a dependent boyfriend? The hardest decision I ever had to make was kicking him out - but he was stifling my entire life and swallowing up my hard-earned cash. I felt so free when he finally left (after 4 years).