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Should I let skint new boyfriend move in for free?
Comments
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Snooze I think you are being Harsh!
OP has struggled to get a place and is struggling to keep it, all done before she met current bf - so why can't see say if you come and live with me I need you to sign an agreement to say you won't take anything I had before you came?
She isn't saying 'never will I share with you', just whilst he lives with her I
want to protect what I have'.
I say very sensible and make sure you do it!
the initial problem if she presented him with such as document is that he would believe she was going to be a pain to live with and be monitoring everything he does and show no trust. Its a very very very bad basis for any relationship or beginning. If this was just some person intending on sharing board then that would be fine. But this is supposed to be someone she cares about. A contract of Terms and Conditions does not shout "I care", more like "Im suspicious of your intent and I distrust you!". So yes I think I would hand such a document back to...0 -
[sings]# I see trouuuuuuuuuuuuuuble ahead .... [/sings]
Pathetic it may sound, but let's get real here; if you can't trust him enough to let him live there without such T&Cs then perhaps you should be considering whether he's the right person for you at all.. Ho-hum..
Rob
It's all very well being romantic but it is terribly difficult to know people, especially when it comes to money. The fact is, if the op lets him move in without an official agreement and can't demonstrate that he is paying rent, he has some claim on the property in the event of a split, even more so if he tinkers about and does a bit of DIY that can be classed as improvements. It's pretty shocking how a waster can take a hard-working partner for a ride and force him/her to grant them equity when they split, it happened to someone I know. Of course all people are not like this, and hopefully he is immature rather than a user but she needs to be armed with the knowledge. Also, if he has creditors coming after him, the op needs to be sure that they can't make a claim on her property once he is officially living there.
I have seen much of the type of relationships that Loretta describes. Eventually the "put upon" partner tends to end up resenting the other for all the pressure put on them, the resentment translates into a lack of sex life and there goes the relationship.
Anyway, good luck to the OP, it ain't easy, but do be beware of letting charm cloud your judgement on the realities of life.0 -
Have you got parents? do they like him? what do your friends say? do they like him? These sort of men can often be very good looking charmers
Just slow down and think hard, I shall worry about you now
Oh dear - what have I started! Loretta, please don't worry about me.
My family and friends all like him - he is a good man, of that I have no doubt - though I have made a point of not telling my Dad about the debts. He's 34, he works long hours 6 days a week (pub trade) and so there's little scope for him to get a second job like I have.
I didn't post this thread with the intention of implying that he's not good enough for me because he doesn't have enough money, or that I think he is gold digging, and now everyone is questioning whether he is genuine! I feel as if I have been disloyal to him.0 -
Has she given an indication that she believes he is after her money? Not everyone who has no money is looking to leech from someone who has it...
No she hasn't but this is a grown man with no household bills, who has never paid rent and has debts that she thinks are scary and he wants to move in. She is a woman who works and is buying her own house. It is us people with some life experience who have decided that!Loretta0 -
the initial problem if she presented him with such as document is that he would believe she was going to be a pain to live with and be monitoring everything he does and show no trust. Its a very very very bad basis for any relationship or beginning. If this was just some person intending on sharing board then that would be fine. But this is supposed to be someone she cares about. A contract of Terms and Conditions does not shout "I care", more like "Im suspicious of your intent and I distrust you!". So yes I think I would hand such a document back to...
I think the initial problem is that they haven't talked about it already,
an the next is how she'll raise it.
DH and I did just that when we first met, we got a brief agreement written up and kept finance and romance separate. I don't know, but it worked REALLY well for us! BTW DH was a bit o a loose canon with money then too, and now he's much better, and more importantly we've struck a balance that I inspire us to squirrel it away, he encourages us to keep a wee bit out to live with now too. Its a match made,not in heaven, but the inital pragmatism of the finances.
At no point was it an issue of distrust, but rather one of wanting to protect EACH OTHER as much as ourselves. I would be shocked if out of nowhere an agreement and pen was put infront of me, but not by a discussion that led to such an agreement being suggested. Not only would I not consider this a bad basis, but in fact the very best. So much in young relationships is ambiguous, its good to have what can be made either secure or protect so so that the bits that must remain floaty can grow, or decline with both sides knowing that it is the relationship not their money or security that is in question.
I honestly see this as something that can benefit both the OP, her chap and their relationship if all is good elsewhere in the relationship.0 -
No she hasn't but this is a grown man with no household bills, who has never paid rent and has debts that she thinks are scary and he wants to move in. She is a woman who works and is buying her own house. It is us people with some life experience who have decided that!
But it stands a very good chance of being an incorrect assumption and seems a bit like branding a person we dont know.0 -
True. It could just be that, having never run a household before, he has no idea how much it is actually costing the OP.
I think we should all withhold judgement until the OP actually suggests to her boyfriend he contributes - if she suggests an amount, he may well agree to it without hesitation. If he refuses to pay a fair amount he can afford, well, then, yes, let's call him a !!!!!!!!!! and attack him. But give the bloke a chance!
Why hasn't he offered? Why has he put her into a position where she is worried about asking him to pay his fair share. he is an adult and must have some idea that life isn't free
If quite often his accomodation has come with his job he must have some idea of what it is worth as it would be part of his wage and he must have considered a lower wage and the accomodation to see if is was a reasonable wage for what he doesLoretta0 -
the initial problem if she presented him with such as document is that he would believe she was going to be a pain to live with and be monitoring everything he does and show no trust. Its a very very very bad basis for any relationship or beginning. If this was just some person intending on sharing board then that would be fine. But this is supposed to be someone she cares about. A contract of Terms and Conditions does not shout "I care", more like "Im suspicious of your intent and I distrust you!". So yes I think I would hand such a document back to...
This aspect for me is non-negotiable - I'd simply be protecting what I'd worked for, and, to some extent, protecting him as well - i.e. saying the house is mine - I will never ask you to pay for it, and you will never ask for a share of it. Things would obviously be different if we could buy a place together, but that's light-years away.
I think it's practical, not cynical. Given the significant proportion of relationships - married and non-married - which end acrimoniously, I think it would be madness to be ruled by your heart and do it any other way. This part, at least, is very clear to me. And I would be mistrustful of anyone who refused to sign such a thing...0 -
the initial problem if she presented him with such as document is that he would believe she was going to be a pain to live with and be monitoring everything he does and show no trust. Its a very very very bad basis for any relationship or beginning. If this was just some person intending on sharing board then that would be fine. But this is supposed to be someone she cares about. A contract of Terms and Conditions does not shout "I care", more like "Im suspicious of your intent and I distrust you!". So yes I think I would hand such a document back to...
if you look anywhere on this forum you will see people who are now in difficulties because they risked everything they had because they fell in love and are now going to lose it all. I am not talking about great wealth here I am talking about a roof over their heads and enough to pay their billsLoretta0 -
I dont think this should be an issue about how long you have known him.
I dated hubby for three months before he moved in with me.
We both had debts,but we had a very frank and open discussion about the way the household was run,priorities etc.
We have been together for near on three years and got kiddies together
I think your nervousness about him is not just to do with how long you have known him,but his obvious lack of understanding when it comes to money.
After all,if he was to move in, then you would expect a division of costs, and if he cant manage that then where does that leave you standing in the future?
I think that makes sense?LOL
I reckon that once he has learned to manage his money,THEN may be a good time for him to make his residency at your house permanent Getting debt free...0
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