Should I let skint new boyfriend move in for free?

melee67

I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for about six months. We’re great together, he all but lives in my house now, and has recently been granted his own set of keys. He’s there 6 out of 7 nights a week, but I am loathe to let him ‘move in properly’. Partly cos it’s still a bit too soon for such a big and permanent-seeming step, but partly because I know he can’t pay his way financially. I am not struggling financially, but I do not have much disposable income left once all the mortgage and bill payments have gone out. He earns significantly less than I do – not a bad wage, in itself, but he has a lot of debt which eats up almost all his weekly pay packet. I know he could never contribute to the mortgage, and, as it’s my house, I’m okay with that, but I am inclined to think he ought to make some small contribution to bills and groceries...

At the moment I am okay with the situation, but I worry that as time goes on it will get harder to broach the subject of money, and that I will become bitter and feel as if he is living off me.

How do other moneysaving cohabiters deal with this kind of thing?

UPDATE!

Oh gosh, thank you all - I didn't expect such a big response. And some really good points. In response, or to clarify bits:

My situation
Yes, I have worked very hard to get where I am. I do still have student debts of my own, but I have everything very well under control (it took some time and some growing up). I actually met the new chap when I wanted some extra money in the run up to Christmas and, determined not to borrow anything, I took some bar shifts in my local on top of my full-time job (he's the manager). That's turned into a regular thing and I do two shifts a week now as the extra money helps out a lot and I would miss it too much now to not have it! Also, it’s not bad to be paid to spend time with your boyfriend!

His situation
Technically, he lives at home with his parents, paying his mum nominal housekeeping and getting his meals cooked and laundry done, only, of course, he's never actually there anymore, and I’m cooking his meals (although as he works quite a few evening shifts, I’m not feeding him every night, and I make a point of not doing his laundry, which gets taken home to mummy every so often). I suspect he has never had to pay a 'proper' rent as most of his jobs have come with live-in accommodation. He has been very open with me about his situation right from the start, and I was equally open with him: I told him right from the word go that I would not give him money or get tied to his debt in any way, and to be fair on him he doesn’t ask me to help – apart from sometimes using my debit card to make a payment, and he always gives me the cash back on the spot. He was totally overwhelmed by the scale of his debt, and was effecting a head-in-the-sand approach, but I have got him to look at it all and we’re now making claims for charges, etc, and ordering the debts so he pays off the most expensive ones first. It’s scary, but it’s not insurmountable.

Lodgers and rent
I actually do have a lodger already. Her room rent is offset against the mortgage, and she pays me an additional £75 a month towards bills and council tax.

Is it too soon?
I think it is too soon for any sort of official moving-in – i.e. the point at which I make space in the cupboard and he starts getting post delivered to mine and can invite his mates over and choose the channel on the telly. I’ve never taken that step with anyone, and when I do I will do it with the intention of it being forever. At that point I would definitely draw up an agreement to say the house is mine and all mine, and that he could never make a claim on it. And I would expect him at that point to pay half of everything except the mortgage (and any kind of work I might have done on the house). And I won’t let this happen until his finances are in much better overall shape.

My dilemma remains over this in-between time. I love him being there, which is why we have so quickly got into the current situation, and I do trust him, but there is, as Loretta said, a little niggle in my head. I do not want to be taken for granted. Equally, I do not wish to profit from him. Ultimately, I want him to be able to get everything in shape so that when the time is right, we could take that forever-step.

The solution?
I think, perhaps, I need to be a bit braver, and talk to him directly. He’s terribly bad at dealing with anything he feels to be a criticism, so it’s not easy territory. But I shall order some of these thoughts and see what we can make of it all...

Thank you, everyone. Let me know if you have any more thoughts or questions! And I’ll let you know what he says...

Phunky

If you was going to rent out a spare box room to a lodger what would you charge them?

Start at that!

He may have debts but im sure he can also afford to pay his way, it will most likely cause arguments in the long run if he does not at least pay his way!

When i first moved in with the Mrs in here little 1 bedroom flat i paid £230 a month and got my own food, now three years on we split everything 50/50 even tho she has 5 figure debt to pay off.

silvercar

At some point in the relationship you will have to move from "his money" and "my money" to "our money"; moving in is one step to that point.

SPANIEL36

can i ask where does he live at the moment and what does he pay there?

mytchell

I was also going to ask what does he pay at the moment it may be a compromise you can come to and then he can clear his debts quicker.

PasturesNew

From your title alone I'd say "no" because 6 months is no time at all. You need to go probably 2 years and a couple of Xmases to know if they're too mardy and awkward or flakey and unreliable for starters.

If he can sort out his debts, then it might be a goer. But he might see moving in with you as an easy option. Like a replacement mum with sex.

lostinrates

I wouldn't recommend a friend of mine just let a partner move in like that, because it both puts an un unfair financial situation on you AND risks dirtying what could be the relationship of your life with petty resentments or unleel playing fields.

Where does he live now and whats he paying there? I think you should get AT LEAST your tax free allowance for a lodger (not a contribution to the mortgage, but 'rent') and halves on bills. As for food, if you both work, why not split shopping and cooking bills? So you alternate who cooks and buys food? (or split th week in half and eat out/get a takeaway one ay a week!). Now, incidently, DH was living mortgage free when I met him and invited me to move in with him (we were very, very quick about it so I don't follow my own avdvice, within month we moved intogether and he knew then he was going to ask me to marry him, lol). I did not want to take advantage of him so it was me who raise the finance situation, an he was als crtain he din't want to make a profit out of me. So, ignoring the lack of rent/mortgage payments needed, we did what I know suggest to you re bills and food. (and both started saving!). The result is that from the start we felt fair towards each other. He took time off earning full time to go back to university and I picked up all the bills, now I'm out of work and he picks up all the bills. But we needed a straught down the middle basis to start from so that we were established as a permant couple and start to rely on each other financially.

iolande

bills and groceries should be a definite. As for contributions to the mortgage - you want to avoid that just in case things fall apart in the future. I have heard of a couple of cases where people have sued for the return of their investment. I live in my bf's place and I pay direct into his bank account with the subject line stating RENT so that we both know where to stand. We got a joint bank account for bills and groceries, so it is very clear that we are going 50/50. I guess the main difference we have from you is that we are debt-free, and I earn the greater income.

I would be careful as this also represents an increase in your commitment to this man (and he may well be a lovely man), but as he has a lot of debt, I would want to know how he is managing it as you need to protect your own financial future as well.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Six months is too soon. Wait another six and see how you feel then. This will give him more time to reduce his debts, before committing to you and your living arrangements. It will show you how keen he is to commit to you if he is making an effort with his finances as well.

AMD

angelavdavis

Big no, too soon. Let him earn the right to live with you ...

If he is there for the majority of the week, you should also ask him to contribute to food/electric - I am guessing you cook for him too ?

I once did this to a boyfriend who practically lived at mine. I earned barely enough to survive yet, when I asked him, he stopped staying there!!! Got shot of him as soon as I saw through him!!!!! Fleecer!

The man I married offered when he stayed with me!!! So thoughtful, he was a catch!!!

lostinrates

re everyone saying too soon....I want to reiterate that I think if the arrangement is fair then the timing is perhaps not too soon. DH and I went on holiday for our fourth date two weeks after first meeting and he asked me to move in with him the week after that (I'd stayed at his place then he came home with me for a few days). We got engaged a year to the day we met, married a year later again, and our apporaching our third wedding aniversary more in love than in those ridiculous paced first days in lust. I just think that the fact we both tried to be FAIR to each other financially and not have one fleecing or endebted to the other really, really mattered. I know it might not seem prudent but really we are a match and have a great relationship (since then we have had to cope with working in different countries, that ws harder but also livable through). nothing is normal in relationships! I'm not saying what we did was a pattern I'd recommend, but that things sometimes do work when they are quick if everything else is right and fair.

Good luck what ever you decide Melee67.