Not just about the money...

completelyspent

I had a chat today and made lots of positive suggestions. I really do love this person but they do drink and smoke a lot which is hampering their debt repayments. Would you say drinking a bottle and a half of wine in one sitting is a lot? To me it is but I'm not sure if I'm out of touch.

oystercatcher

A bottle and a half of wine seems a lot to me but I do know people who think nothing of downing two bottles .
If someone is drinking that much every day or even most days I'd be wondering about a drink problem that's a lot of units ...... can't be bothered to work it out but I'm SURE it's well over the recommended amount.

Oystercatcher

completelyspent

They were drinking every or most nights but have cut down to four or five nights. I have started to suggest other activities not involving drinking, and I've actually cut down to the point of stopping to try and encourage them to cut back..I worry about their health foremost and I'm becoming increasingly aware that it is a dependency. It does also cost them a fortune-although that is secondary to the other damage it does.

ailuro2

Been there, done that, but I was in my early twenties at the time. Thankfully I was right about drinking every night and only cutting back to '4 or 5' nights a week not being enough.It always crept back to 6 or 7.:rolleyes:
If I'd stuck around I'd still be living in a ropey area of town with a credit card bill and not much to show for it, instead of being with my lovely hubby in a nice house in a nice part of town, with only our mortgage as debt.
I heard a few years back the guy I left had never really 'grown up' and had even ended up in hospital for treatment for alcohol dependency.


Even cheap wine will be costing your 'OH' £40 a week. Plus the smokes are over £5 a pack these days.5 nights a week sober is more like it,but I have to say you will never force anyone to give up smoking- I used to smoke myself, and know how difficult it is.



For you, if you are desperate to settle down, I'd suggest changing this person to friendship status and going looking for Mr Right instead of sticking with Mr Drunken Smoking Sperm Donor. Sorry to be so blunt, but his swimmers won't be such great quality anyway with that lifestyle.:o:eek: Good Luck, whatever you decide.

completelyspent

Ailuro2 your post really hit home and I have been thinking about stuff overnight. I suppose when I met the person I was in a different place-not dealing with my debts and probably going out and drinking a lot more and am now in a calmer place. The thought of having a more 'serious' chat makes me feel sick to the stomach because I think I've probably always known deep down that they are not ready for the sort of committment that I want-despite reassaurances that they are..the words and behaviour are at odds.
Thanks to all those who have read and those that have responded.

Mojisola

completelyspent wrote: »

They are spending somewhere between £350-£400 per month on cigarettes and alcohol.

I understand they are taking responsibility for their debts

I don't think these two things go together - it's one or the other. It sounds as if moving home has just let him/her cut down on essential outgoings while keeping up the fun spending.

beer_tins

RE: alcohol. A bottle and a half is a lot for one person. As a rule of thumb, a man shouldn't drink more than a half bottle of wine per day on a regular basis, a woman less (around a third of a bottle if wine's your drink). Drinking a whole bottle is considered binge drinking.

Regularly drinking a small amount (e.g. 2 pints) isn't a problem, binge drinking is. It's harmful whether you do it every day or once a month.

I house shared with uni friends straight after graduation, so there was a lot of boozing and smoking, especially as we all had money in our pockets all of a sudden. Now I'm early 30s, stopped smoking and don't drink as much (though I drink too much on occasion), you'd be amazed at the difference that's made to my bank balance! I reckon it's about £250 a month extra in my pocket and that's with me still going out and having a drink sometimes or some wine at home.

MrsTinks

The sheer amount of wine would worry me... Don't get me wrong I used to drink a fair amount of wine when I was single - I'd get home from work, sit down at the PC and start working on my websites I used to run and before I knew it a bottle would be gone and I'd seriously consider opening bottle number 2! Now I'm lucky if I manage a bottle a week!
Did I have a drinking problem? Well if you asked me then I'd say no - looking back... not so much problem as habit... it was just my routine and although I could merrily go weeks without alcohol it just became a habit when I was working at home to crack open the bottle and sit down to work...

Whether or not you both want the same things in life and are both willing to put in that work it requires... I think that's really what is in question here isn't it?

pinkshoes

I'd find it unattractive that a person couldn't see through the fags and booze to see the bigger picture of starting a debt free life together.

A bottle and a half of wine in one sitting is fair enough if it's a 1 off, and only an absolute maximum of once a week, but if this is several times a week, you have to question what they're trying to escape from!

My OH jokingly calls me an alcoholic, but I never have more than a couple of small glasses of wine (125ml) a night, and not every night! I left the binge drinking behind me in my early 20s!!

calculatethis

Hi Completelyspent, I really feel for you. Your BF shouldnt be drinking so much; Ive been doing a lot of research into drinking levels and what is "normal" or right...my husband is nearly 40 and he is drinking between half a bottle and one and a half bottles of wine most nights a week, and he has been doing this since his mid 20s. Apart from the hidden problems (like he may be wrecking his liver) he has really really put on weight and is now (this sounds mean, but is true) really overweight, unattractive and unfit physically. But its like he has one of these fairground mirrors that show you thinner than you are, he doesnt think (or at least wont admit!) there is a problem.

Sorry to be brutal but if your bloke continues he will end up probably the same way as it really creeps up on them, then years go by and you think God, what a difference in their appearance and health. It brought it home to me when I found photos of our wedding and he was so skinny! and it is all due to alcohol as he has a fairly healthy diet otherwise.

It sounds like he is happy to be dependent on his parents..freeing up more money for his fags and booze....I know you love him and thats lovely, but take care that he doesnt become too reliant on your good nature..it is easy to feel good to be "wanted and needed" and be the sensible one in the relationship but as time goes on they will be putting more and more of the decision making and "grown up" stuff, like financial management onto you as "your responsibility" and this can just wear you down if you both dont have the same attitude towards money. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get control of your debts and spending, well done you!