Not just about the money...

January20

completelyspent, how/ why did you quote me for something I didn't say?

Please re-read my post! and amend yours!

miserly_mum

January20 wrote: »

completelyspent, how/ why did you quote me for something I didn't say?

Please re-read my post! and amend yours!

OP was quoting me and i'd quoted a bit from one of your posts, sorry for any confusion

January20

miserly_mum wrote: »

OP was quoting me and i'd quoted a bit from one of your posts, sorry for any confusion

Ah don't apologise! I'm just a pain about people not misunderstanding what I write! You wouldn't believe how long I take to write my posts lol! Just look at my post count, says it all really!

And it's not the easiest of system to use either!

completelyspent

Thanks both posters-sorry for any confusion and for the advice.

I had a chat last night about the situation and they admitted they drank too much and want to cut down, and said they really want to give up smoking.
They said if they weren't living at home they couldn't afford to drink.
They are drinking again tonight...I am very down and realise in my heart that I'm not enough of an incentive for change..thanks for listening/advice.

miserly_mum

Completelyspent don't be so hard on yourself.

It's all very well us sitting here giving advice from behind our computer screens. We don't know you or your BF so are only working from what you have told us.

Having said that......YOU have had YOUR "lightbulb moment" as it were. YOU have changed YOUR life for the better.

You assumed/ hoped that your BF would want to accompany you on your journey to improve your life. Unfortunately that hasn't happened and if you are being totally honest with yourself........it's probably never going to.

You are not the first person to have encountered this problem with a loved one......and sadly you won't be the last. As I said in a previous post, BF doesn't WANT to change. He likes his lifestyle and he'l love you.....as long as you fit in with it.

So far you have fitted in. Yes you might have a "talk" now and then and he might try to keep you onside by telling you he really does want to cut down. But thats usually done in the Pub or over a bottle of wine.

While you are still there being the loyal GF he has no reason to change. When we love someone completely it's easy to assume they feel the same in return. This is not always the case. Sometimes a relationship can be very one sided.

A relationship is suppose to bring you happiness and fulfillment. Your's just seems to be making you miserable.

yoni_one

completelyspent wrote: »

They said if they weren't living at home they couldn't afford to drink.

For personal reasons the above quote really sums it up for me. Your 30 year old OH puts his need for alcohol and cigarettes above repaying his parents money he has borrowed from them to save him from higher interest charges. So many adults think it is ok accept financial help from their parents and then make far less effort to repay that debt than they would if they owed it elsewhere.

IMO people who do this are taking advantage of the relationship they have with their parents.

Your OH chooses to continue to rely on their generosity so that he can continue to afford his current life choices, you say he is taking responsibility for his debts but this particular choice of his doesn't appear to support that view.

However lovely he is in all other ways, I would think very carefully before entrusting your future and that of your future children in the hands of someone who currently prioritises in the way you describe.

January20

completelyspent wrote: »

Thanks both posters-sorry for any confusion and for the advice.

I had a chat last night about the situation and they admitted they drank too much and want to cut down, and said they really want to give up smoking.
They said if they weren't living at home they couldn't afford to drink.
They are drinking again tonight...I am very down and realise in my heart that I'm not enough of an incentive for change..thanks for listening/advice.

It's not you. It's him. It's 100% him. He has to have the willpower to do it.
Words are easy and he'll probably say whatever you want to hear and probably mean it at the time but when it comes to the crunch, well it's not that easy.

Time to take a step back, look at what you want from your partner and decide whether he is the right person for you, but do not ever think that you are not enough. It's not your fault.

sarymclary

My husband died aged 37 from the effects of his drinking. He never visited a GP about it, never had any medical side-effects before his death (other than looking bl00dy awful). He held down a very successful, high paid career, didn't visit pubs, but drank at home quietly, once I recognised his drinking was abnormally high I asked him to cut down. He showed signs that he had, but all that had really happened was that he was doing more in secret (ie. he'd stop half a mile down the road before he got home from work and have a large couple of drinks in the car).

I did what you've done, I became a teetotaller to prove you don't need to have a drink to be happy, to socialise, etc, but it didn't work. In the end I stayed teetotal because one of us needed to be sober!

I invested too much of me, too much of my life, and had children with this man, who was, unbeknown to me, an addict. I adored this man, he was kind, funny, generous, thoughtful and romantic. He lit up my world the day he entered it. He swept me off my feet, put me up on a pedestal and made me feel fantastic. He loved me with all his heart, and I loved him too. We had the world at our feet, and were embarking upon a wonderful adventure together, but.... the alcohol, albeit very discreet in the beginning, was there.

Initially I was a working girl, who liked an occasional cigarette and a few drinks when I socialised. I never drank at home, I certainly never drank mid-week when I was working, but he did. I thought it was OK to begin with, but then once we were married, realised there wasn't really a night he didn't like to drink.

It will spiral out of control, because he will need more alcohol to give the same effect as a bottle or so now. Eventually a bottle won't even make it's mark on him.

You've seen the early warning signs, and be thankful they're there. This person is not changing their habits, because they are addicted, and are unable to do so without professional help, and a true desire to want to change. He doesn't see his behaviour affects his life in any way, and you aren't making any great waves about it either, so what's the problem? He doesn't have a problem. The next tactic will be that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, but YOU apparently do!

I would urge you to speak to Alanon, they are lovely people, and they will give you some practical advice, as well as just listen to you.

You sound confused, because he's so nice. Alcoholics can be lovely, they aren't the stereotype you see on the news or on Holby City, believe me. They can be extremely charismatic, wonderful people, but they always end up hurting the people who love them most of all.

I wish you the very best of luck.

completelyspent

Thank you sarymclary for sharing your terribly sad story-I will take on board everything you said.

Fidget21

Completelyspent...I just want to give you a (((hug))) to make everything better!

Don't turn this round on yourself. It is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on your BF.

The posts you have made on here show what a caring partner you are, and you have put up with so much and tried so hard already. If that is not enough of an incentive for him then it is definately his problem and possibly his loss.