Not just about the money...

completelyspent

I have nearly finished paying off some debt after eighteen months of hard work. During that time I have made some big sacrifices, taken a second job and stayed focussed to clear my debt. I only have a small mortgage to clear now most of my unsecured debt is gone.
At the beginning of this process I started seeing someone who I think the absolute world of and someone I could really open up to. I could tell from their spending habits was possibly in debt too though but not facing it. I tried to encourage them to open up about it and then six months later they did. They had already moved home after renting a flat to save money and their parents lent them the money to clear their credit card debts so they no longer had to pay the interest, and could pay them back instead. They don’t drive so don’t run a car, they pay their parents some keep, buy their own food, pay for bus fares and apart from a mobile phone and paying towards cable TV have no other outgoings apart from debt repayment and what they chose to spend on going out/themselves. This is where the problem lies. They are spending somewhere between £350-£400 per month on cigarettes and alcohol. They told me eight months ago it would take two years max to pay off their debts, at this stage they are now saying the same thing-two years. I just feel frustrated with the progress as I feel if they cut back a bit and maybe got a few hours extra work they could repay this more quickly. If this was a few years ago I would not be so impatient for the debt to be re-paid-I do really love this person and I understand they are taking responsibility for their debts, but I am reaching my mid thirties and would love a family and need to feel that I do have some financial security and it’s not solely me who is doing this. They do want these things to but they are five years younger than me and the fact they are not in a hurry to repay these debts makes me wonder if they are really ready for the things I want, and they say they want too. This isn’t really about the money in itself-like I say I have a house and a reasonably paid job, but if I’ve made sacrifices to clear my debts with all the outgoings I have, I feel that they would be showing a bigger commitment to the relationship. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Any advice?

completelyspent

No replies then..:((

musicboy

Pal, the small font makes it difficult to read ... there's been tons of page views though !

For what it's worth, and it's only my gut feeling, I would say you need to find someone who is on the same wavelength about their future, and you say it's not just about the money, course it isn't - but it's a really significant part of it as you have made the efforts you have in the money stakes.

If the relationship is really strong then you have a bit more leeway to suggest what plans you want to make going forward, and that you need to work at it together - if there is any resistance, just remember that it's not easy talking about debt (as I know) and you just need to reiterate that you want to look to the future rather than controlling or telling this person what they should do with their life - at the end of the day, what you are trying to suggest would be 'doing the right thing' and maybe if they don't see that side of it then you need to ask yourself some honest questions about the whole thing,

This doesn't make much sense reading it back ! Hope it helps though.

CB1979_2

completelyspent wrote: »

I have nearly finished paying off some debt after eighteen months of hard work. During that time I have made some big sacrifices, taken a second job and stayed focussed to clear my debt. I only have a small mortgage to clear now most of my unsecured debt is gone.
At the beginning of this process I started seeing someone who I think the absolute world of and someone I could really open up to. I could tell from their spending habits was possibly in debt too though but not facing it. I tried to encourage them to open up about it and then six months later they did. They had already moved home after renting a flat to save money and their parents lent them the money to clear their credit card debts so they no longer had to pay the interest, and could pay them back instead. They don’t drive so don’t run a car, they pay their parents some keep, buy their own food, pay for bus fares and apart from a mobile phone and paying towards cable TV have no other outgoings apart from debt repayment and what they chose to spend on going out/themselves. This is where the problem lies. They are spending somewhere between £350-£400 per month on cigarettes and alcohol. They told me eight months ago it would take two years max to pay off their debts, at this stage they are now saying the same thing-two years. I just feel frustrated with the progress as I feel if they cut back a bit and maybe got a few hours extra work they could repay this more quickly. If this was a few years ago I would not be so impatient for the debt to be re-paid-I do really love this person and I understand they are taking responsibility for their debts, but I am reaching my mid thirties and would love a family and need to feel that I do have some financial security and it’s not solely me who is doing this. They do want these things to but they are five years younger than me and the fact they are not in a hurry to repay these debts makes me wonder if they are really ready for the things I want, and they say they want too. This isn’t really about the money in itself-like I say I have a house and a reasonably paid job, but if I’ve made sacrifices to clear my debts with all the outgoings I have, I feel that they would be showing a bigger commitment to the relationship. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Any advice?

may help some people be able to read it!

Oldernotwiser

But has this person (I'm unclear about the genders involved in this relationship) indicated that s/he wants to have a permanent relationship and children with you or are you just hoping? If s/he has then I can't see why you don't share your concerns with him/her and come to a compromise solution, if not then you need to either find out or be prepared to move on and find someone else who has the same life agenda as you do.

CB1979_2

right basically they are living like you were before you got your debts sorted out because they are 5 years younger so 30ish probably wanting to enjoy themselves whilst they're "young", as long as it's not interfering with your life why worry?

you may not be able to have kids, things may not work out the way you have planned, etc etc

ultimately they may look at you and think well you got into debt at my age, so don't go preaching.

they may "grow up" and deal with the debts themselves, but they may also be the type of person that is in debt forever as there are many people like that.

i'd certainly query it, but wouldn't make a massive deal out of it ie
"lose the debt or lose me, cos i want a family and financial security" etc etc

Oldernotwiser

CB1979 wrote: »

right basically they are living like you were before you got your debts sorted out because they are 5 years younger so 30ish probably wanting to enjoy themselves whilst they're "young", as long as it's not interfering with your life why worry?

you may not be able to have kids, things may not work out the way you have planned, etc etc

ultimately they may look at you and think well you got into debt at my age, so don't go preaching.

they may "grow up" and deal with the debts themselves, but they may also be the type of person that is in debt forever as there are many people like that.

i'd certainly query it, but wouldn't make a massive deal out of it ie
"lose the debt or lose me, cos i want a family and financial security" etc etc

I agree with everything except your last statement. If the OP is female and wants her own children she may feel that she hasn't too much time to play with. If that's the case and this other person isn't in the same place as she is then she may need to make a choice between the current relationship and moving on to achieve what she wants; she really hasn't got 5 years available to wait for this person to get to where she(?) is now.

CB1979_2

yeah unfortunately i'm just a romantic at heart.

you love the person for who/what they are not "what ifs".

unfortunately there's 99 times out of a 100 varying attitudes when there's an age gap, so you know what you're getting into, etc beforehand.

what if they can't have kids? would you go and dump someone cos of that?
what if they are crap with money? would you go and someone cos of that (if it didn't impact your finances)?

same goes from the other person too, if they knew the OP would want to have kids by a certain time, then they should've come out and said yay or nay.

it's obviously a man/woman thing, but i honestly don't get the "must have a kid by such and such time", it either happens or it don't imo, sure it'd be nice for everything to fall nicely into place in the grand master plan but !!!!!! happens sometimes (like not being able to have kids) and i feel some people set themselves up for heartache placing so much emphasis on the master plan, whilst not actually living for today.

Oldernotwiser

As a happily childfree woman I agree with much of your post, particularly about not assuming that children will automatically come along when you feel ready. On the other hand you have to accept that for many women having children is vitally important and investing a lot of time in a relationship when children aren't on the agenda is not a possibility when you're in your mid thirties.

oystercatcher

I think money is quite an important issue in a relationship. If one party is spending like mad it totally counteracts any moneysaving efforts by the other partner. It's personal choice about joint accounts or seperate but in general particularly if children arrive then all finances are basically shared and there needs to be a similar attitude to what is spent and discussion over large purchases.

I would suggest that completelyspent doesn't make a direct attack or any final ultimatum but discusses the matter in a fairly neutral way. Maybe making rough estimates of their own spending into a general discussion and 'gosh think how much you could save if you cut back a bit !!' or maybe suggesting a soft drink instead of the alcohol when they are together.
There's lots of ways of dropping hints and having discussions.
For a relationship to survive long term there needs to be lots of open honest discussion and a lot of give and take both sides.
If something is bugging you now it won't just go away it will fester and get bigger until it can't be coped with.

By the way , re wanting a child for many women it can be a completely overwhelming urge becoming more important than almost anything else so don't discount it as something that 'may' happen and isn't important. Some women spend thousands and thousands on an almost impossible chance of concieveing because they have left it too late.... Some women are much happier having a child alone if they haven't met the right partner. Not ideal but that' hormones for you they really screw your brain at times !!

Good luck completelyspent

oystercatcher

completelyspent

Thanks to everyone who has replied-I really do appreciate it