Not just about the money...

completelyspent

Fidget21 wrote: »

If it helps I think you've done the right thing. Just thought you might want to hear somebody say it!

Thank you...it does.

completelyspent

He thinks what I've said is manipulative and that the problem is half his but also half mine (for not liking his lifestyle I guess and that probably is fair enough). Not really sure what to think apart from needing a holiday.

Fidget21

What you've said is manipulative. That is the point. You are trying to manipulate him into a situation where the two of you have a future. Personally, I prefer the word persuade, but men do tend to like the word manipulate because it means that any decision they take they are taking because they HAVE to , because we've manipulated them into it!!

You need to seriously ask him where he sees his future. Actually have an active discussion on where you both see your relationship going. This is the rest of your life we could be talking about and you either needsomebody with like-minded values or both parties need to be willing to compromise a lot.

ailuro2

It's very sad he's lying to you about drinking - do you ever suspect you'd be better off looking elsewhere for the future you want - you're taking one hell of a gamble with your happiness I already told you my take on it in a previous post, and will say to you what a good friend said to me when she saw my red rimmed eyes after another night of crying after arguments about drinking- she said -

'Do you really want to keep living like this?'

and I made up my own mind....

Steel_2

I think it's part of maturing that you look at the person you are with and make a decision that no matter how much you love them, you cannot change them and make them the person you want. You just have to accept who they are or let them go.

He may not be right for you, but would be perfect for someone else who has a similar lifestyle.

Before I met my husband, I was with a man for many years that I loved very much. He was a heavy drinker, a smoker, was very overweight and occasionally snorted cocaine as well.

He was a very funny man, the life and soul of the party, the one everyone could talk to. He would help anyone. He was out almost every night after work socialising and all weekend. He earned a load of money and spent it all every month on partying. He had no savings of any kind and no financial plans of any kind. Yet he was The Man and I adored him.

Me? I'm a country girl. I have a glass of wine once in a while, don't smoke and enjoy a quiet life. I save and make plans. I am frugal. After years of keeping up with his lifestyle, I realised it was making me ill to live against who I was really was, so I made a very difficult decision to split with him, which shocked him and everyone else enormously. I had to put up with a barrage of people telling me I was idiot, that I'd never find anyone as great as him, but I persevered even though I spent weeks in floods of tears and not answering the phone to him, because I knew ultimately we didn't have a future as we were so different. I think if I'd answered the phone at any time in the month after we split I would have been persuaded back into that life again - I was that fragile.

Four months after we split up I heard he had a heart attack at 29 after snorting a massive dose of cocaine at a party. Even that didn't slow him down. After a month he was starting to go out and drink again and I found out he had lied to the doctors about stopping smoking. He didn't even bother attending the appointments with the cardiac rehabilitation team. I realised then how right I was to leave him and also that I was so much happier alone planning my future.

18 months after I split with him I met the man I was to marry, who was very similar to me in values and lifestyle and we've now been married 2 years.

You cannot change him into what you want. Imagine if the boot was on the other foot and he tried to change you into the person he wanted. Would you accept that? I doubt it.

Be brave and make the split. You will find someone else who suits you better and who you can forge a future with.

miserly_mum

I very much agree with Steel ,you would be better off finding a partner who genuinely shares your values.

OP imagine if by some minor miracle you persuade/manipulate your BF into adopting your lifestyle and values because he doesn't want to lose you.

How long do you think he could keep up the pretense? A month, a year, 2 years????

Because it would only be a pretense ......to keep you happy. He'd be living a lie and constantly struggling to be "good".

completelyspent

Thanks again for your comments and no one should have to change to please another..I do accept that.
I actually jumped to an incorrect conclusion the other night about smelling alcohol on him-he'd used a mouthwash with alcohol in and I did feel really bad about mentioning the fact I'd smelt alcohol when he said he hadn't drank and I totally understand why that angered him.
I really love him but I know how important drinking is to him-he's spelt it out to me. Why can't people see excessive drinking/smoking is sooo damaging to their health?
I am scared if I let go that I never will meet anyone I like as much and who will want the things I want. I suppose that's all part of life though..some risks pay off and some don't.

miserly_mum

But suppose Mr Right is out there and you hang on to Mr Not(quite)Right simply because you are too scared of ending up on your own to find out?

I tried for many years to change my ex hubby into a "better" person. ie a man who preferred the company of me and his children to that of his cronies in the bar.

He did go through periods of trying really hard to be "good" but it never lasted because he had to try........it just wasn't in his nature to be a
homebird/family man. No matter how skint we were he'd have literally sold his Granny for the price of a night out and 20 fags.

I finally admitted defeat after 13 years. Yes it was hard but if i'd have stayed with him i'd never have met my Partner of 4 years who is (and yes I know it sounds soppy) my Soulmate.

Its so enlightening to be with someone who shares my beliefs and values. Who actually prefers being with me than being in the Pub.

Primrose

I haven't posted much on this because you need time to absorb everything and to decide what you really want, and equally important, what qualities in your partner are going to make you happy for the rest of your life. Being in denial is the easiest option to take when confronted with difficult decisions but I do believe that most of us instinctively, (even if we don't want to admit it to ourselves) are really quite intuitive about our needs. It's just that it takes courage to admit that occasionally we've made the wrong decision. Write down a list about the qualities and values which you do and don't want in your future. And once you have had some space away from the things that are currently causing you grief, I think you will then be able to decide how you go foward.

completelyspent

Random question, but does anyone know if psoriasis can be triggered by heavy drinking (and smoking)?