Not just about the money...

completelyspent

Just a 'non update' really. I have been slowly trying to tackle this and things haven't massively progressed..still not drinking Monday/Tuesday's but drinking the other days. I spoke to a very good friend about it and she said 'you might just have to accept he's a drinker'. She went on to say that she drinks 4/5 bottles of wine a week so maybe it's endemic??! She is pregnant at the moment and has cut most of it out but is still smoking...maybe I just know a lot of people with addictions and perhaps now i've taken a step back from that it's become more apparent..or perhaps I am too judgemental on other's lifestyles..??

arthur_dent_2

4-5 bottles of wine a week, for a start how do they afford it and secondly I am horrified that someone thinks that it is ok to drink and smoke anything during pregnancy. Aside from that, I personally don't believe that it is necessary to drink all of the time. Giving up 2 nights a week still very much constitutes a severe problem in my opinion. You don't HAVE to accept that he is a drinker at all because I am pretty sure that it is a downward spiral from then on.

miserly_mum

arthur_dent wrote: »

You don't HAVE to accept that he is a drinker at all because I am pretty sure that it is a downward spiral from then on.

She may well HAVE to accept he's a drinker if she wants to stay in a relationship with him.

If he is happy with his lifestyle and is unwilling to change it for her then she either has to accept it or move on.

Dinah93

OP, you seem like a lovely, level-headed and optemistic person, which makes it harder that you are prepared to keep giving your OH the option to prove themselves and their commitment to you, and you keep being let down. I may be slated for this opinion - but its my feeling that if they wanted to give up they would do. They haven't truely had their lightbulb moment and seen they need to change, they're making token gestures and believe their behaviour is okay. It's not, it's putting a pause on your future together, and potentially will shorten their life or reduce the quality with heart disease, lung cancer, cirosis, emphisema and so on. They know how much this matters to you, and from the fact you've had a talk about it I can assume you have explained to them why it matters to you clearly. They think 9/14 nights is acceptable, would they still think this was acceptable if a family was on the cards? Would you be home alone every night holding the baby?

My lovely OH and I recently were having a talk, and he was testing the waters a bit to gauge my reaction to future commitments, and he said he was going to strive as hard as he could do become a man I would be happy and proud spending the rest of my life with. My response was that there was only one thing I would change to make me want to spend my life with him, cutting out the smoking, as I want a long, happy healthy life with my OH, not worrying he's going to drop dead when our kids are still in infant school. To which there was a pause, then 'Right, well in that case, I'm not going to smoke today. Or again for that matter'. That was a little over a month ago, and he's gone from 25-35 on an average day, to 0 overnight. He hasn't found it easy at times, especially the first week he was a little like a caged bear, but he's pulling round it and I was so proud of him when we walked past some smokers coming out of a restaurant last week and he said the smell made him feel sick now! If your OH has the drive and determination, he could do it, but he doesn't see the issue with what he's doing. One thing that really struck me about smoking was hearing a mate of mine say to his wife 'If I was sat here with a knife cutting myself each night, you wouldn't be okay with that, so what makes it different that I have to watch you harm yourself each evening with smoking?' (works for booze too!). Cos if he doesn't think he's harming himself with his lifestyle, he's living on cloud 9 I'm afraid love!

Best wishes to you, you need a lot of strength to reconcile yourself to this problem, and I've been in similar situations so I know, it's almost like committing to banging your head against a brick wall until he wakes up and sees its a problem too.

Dinah x

moggylover

sarymclary wrote: »

My husband died aged 37 from the effects of his drinking. He never visited a GP about it, never had any medical side-effects before his death (other than looking bl00dy awful). He held down a very successful, high paid career, didn't visit pubs, but drank at home quietly, once I recognised his drinking was abnormally high I asked him to cut down. He showed signs that he had, but all that had really happened was that he was doing more in secret (ie. he'd stop half a mile down the road before he got home from work and have a large couple of drinks in the car).

I did what you've done, I became a teetotaller to prove you don't need to have a drink to be happy, to socialise, etc, but it didn't work. In the end I stayed teetotal because one of us needed to be sober!

I invested too much of me, too much of my life, and had children with this man, who was, unbeknown to me, an addict. I adored this man, he was kind, funny, generous, thoughtful and romantic. He lit up my world the day he entered it. He swept me off my feet, put me up on a pedestal and made me feel fantastic. He loved me with all his heart, and I loved him too. We had the world at our feet, and were embarking upon a wonderful adventure together, but.... the alcohol, albeit very discreet in the beginning, was there.

Initially I was a working girl, who liked an occasional cigarette and a few drinks when I socialised. I never drank at home, I certainly never drank mid-week when I was working, but he did. I thought it was OK to begin with, but then once we were married, realised there wasn't really a night he didn't like to drink.

It will spiral out of control, because he will need more alcohol to give the same effect as a bottle or so now. Eventually a bottle won't even make it's mark on him.

You've seen the early warning signs, and be thankful they're there. This person is not changing their habits, because they are addicted, and are unable to do so without professional help, and a true desire to want to change. He doesn't see his behaviour affects his life in any way, and you aren't making any great waves about it either, so what's the problem? He doesn't have a problem. The next tactic will be that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, but YOU apparently do!

I would urge you to speak to Alanon, they are lovely people, and they will give you some practical advice, as well as just listen to you.

You sound confused, because he's so nice. Alcoholics can be lovely, they aren't the stereotype you see on the news or on Holby City, believe me. They can be extremely charismatic, wonderful people, but they always end up hurting the people who love them most of all.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Very similar to much of my own experience - but he never held down a well paid job - and he hasn't managed to kill himself: YET!

I think you know that this is the wrong place for you to be. HIS addiction is spoiling YOUR socialising (which you had completely in control - with a nice healthy attitude to "having a drink to socialise").

In my experience, those who "enjoy a drink for the sake of the drink" rather than as a social thing, all have a dependence upon some part of what that drink offers. It may just be a "comfort" dummy - like sucking a cigarette is - or a physical dependence - but it is still there.

Whether I could afford it or not - I was never comfortable with the "lets have a drink - just for the sake of it/it's been a bad day/been a good day/need to relax, etc." reasons, and I think you know that this person is weaker than you and wants you as a replacement safety net in his life - not a partner.

Whether you want to be his mother, watch him damage himself, of waste you life trying to change/help him his up to you - but the one thing to remember clearly is that YOU cannot change him - only he can do that and he can only do it for HIMSELF, and not for any of the things around him. People will give up everything, and anyone for these addicitions - and many/most do not turn their lives around until they have lost everything. Many just carry on until it kills them.

It isn't a case of you "not being enough" for him to change for - nothing can be until HE wants to make it happen - and for that he has to admit that it is a problem in the first place, and HE IS NOT DOING SO AT THE MOMENT.

My heartfelt advice would be to get out before he does you any more damage or causes you anymore pain. Do not wait until you have children (as I did) to grow up in a household where alcohol is a central part of one parents life. This is not good for them. I don't usually put advice that clearly (cowardly really, don't want the big stick if people feel it is wrong) but I did exactly what you are doing now with the hope that me, home, kids, would change him. It did not - and he destroyed the kids and I and it has taken years of hard work to rebuild it.

Off now - bit emotional - but my advice - RUN, RUN HARD and do not look back. You are worth more.

completelyspent

Thank you for those really supportive posts and sharing your stories-they are really helpful and give real food for thought and I appreciate them massively.

Dinah93 your OH sounds wonderful (and you sound like a lovely person too!)and I do hope things work out for you :-)

moggylover I am really sorry to hear about your experience and what you've had to go through..thank you so much for posting.

Dinah93

Thanks completelyspent, I really hope things work out for you too. It's a real shame your OH doesn't see what he's missing out on as he's constantly hiding behind beer goggles.

My OH is an amazing man, just a shame I had to cross the sea to find him!

Feel free to PM me any time if you need a chat

Dinah x

completelyspent

Dinah93 wrote: »

Thanks completelyspent, I really hope things work out for you too. It's a real shame your OH doesn't see what he's missing out on as he's constantly hiding behind beer goggles.

My OH is an amazing man, just a shame I had to cross the sea to find him!

Feel free to PM me any time if you need a chat

Dinah x

Thank you..I might just do that at some point

completelyspent

Well I've finally put it in a pretty clear and concise way i.e. that I feel there is a problem with his drinking and either he decides it's a problem for him and he needs to cut down quite significantly (of which I will support him) or he sees it as a problem for me, in which case it's in my hands and I can't live with the current situation and I can't afford to bank on him changing. It is very possible he'll have a lightbulb moment, cut down on the drinking and smoking, learn to drive, want to buy a house etc but maybe I'm going to have to accept he's not ready to do those things with me. He keeps saying he wants marriage and kids but maybe he isn't going to be ready any time soon and this whole drinking thing is part of that..although he did lie about not drinking the other day and said he'd had some Ribena when myself and a relative could smell alcohol on him and that made me feel sad for him.
Sorry for rambling...it's cathartic!

Fidget21

If it helps I think you've done the right thing. Just thought you might want to hear somebody say it!