Not just about the money...

completelyspent

Well it's been seven weeks since I've drunk any alcohol myself. O/H was cutting back and not drinking Monday and Tuesdays but for the past week has been on leave, and has drunk eight nights running, and is still smoking. On the nights i've seen him (four nights) he had a whole bottle of red wine each time.
Do you think this denotes a problem, or is it acceptable as he's on annual leave and wants to relax? A couple of the other nights he had big nights out with lots of drink and the two other nights he drank but I don't know how much.

Fidget21

Completelyspent, I think you are asking questions that in your heart you know the answers to. Your OH is drinking to much for his own health.

Also, you say you would like a family in the future? Can you picture him in 5 years still drinking the same, still smoking and with a baby/toddler/child in the house?? Is this what you want?

I'm sorry, that sounds really harsh and it isn't meant to be, at least not towards you. It is more to try and put it into black and white terms to help you address this issue, as it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later so that either he can change or you can re-evaluate whether your future is with him.

IMO if he wanted to show a real commitment to his new regime (although regime is probably not the most inspiring word for it!!) he would have shown how much he has cut back on the drinking by drinking in moderation (now I sound like a government advertisement!!) on his annual leave.

I wish you all the best in dealing with this.

ailuro2

If you have to ask, then you don't need us to tell you the answer....

When many people are on holiday they do tend to drink more than they do usually. A bottle of wine isn't a big amount of alcohol for some people. Drink doesn't bother me so I tend not to drink more at holidaysd, no pont in having a hangover when I could be away doing something nice!

If you resent this person's lifestyle so much I suggest you cut your ties now and find someone who has similar views to you. And fwiw I think to truly love someone you need to take on board their faults and still be happy with them, no questions,because the faults are not an issue to you....

January20

completelyspent wrote: »

Well it's been seven weeks since I've drunk any alcohol myself. O/H was cutting back and not drinking Monday and Tuesdays but for the past week has been on leave, and has drunk eight nights running, and is still smoking. On the nights i've seen him (four nights) he had a whole bottle of red wine each time.

If you can spend 7 weeks without having a drink, why can't your partner do the same IF they haven't got a problem?

completelyspent wrote:

Do you think this denotes a problem, or is it acceptable as he's on annual leave and wants to relax? A couple of the other nights he had big nights out with lots of drink and the two other nights he drank but I don't know how much.

I think "only" drinking 5 nights out of 7 is a problem so I really think drinking 8 days in a row is too.

This would really put me off. I am sitting here imagining the smell of his breath as he drinks so much, and smokes on top of that, the damage he is doing to his teeth, his liver, his lungs...

If I were in your position, I would walk away but that's just me. Of course, it could be argued too that as long as you stay with him and put up with it, he has no incentive to change.

miserly_mum

January20 wrote: »

If you can spend 7 weeks without having a drink, why can't your partner do the same IF they haven't got a problem?

I think the answer is a very simple one HE DOESN'T WANT TO!!

Some people are drinkers and some aren't. I'm not talking about alcoholics here. You either enjoy drinking as part of your social life or you don't.

I love my red wine and although my OH and I don't drink every night if i'm honest its about 5 out of 7.

I'll drink a bottle of red wine on average and OH has maybe 4 or 5 beer while watching a DVD after the kids are in bed.

We don't go out to bars. OH works hard every day. All the bills are paid and the kids get everything they need. We have a very nice lifestyle which doesn't revolve around alcohol but does include it.

Now this works for us because a) we can afford it b) we both enjoy it

In the OP's case it is a problem because the BF "enjoys" his drink and she doesn't like him drinking.

The sort of person she wants him to become is probably in all honesty never going to immerge.

They aren't married, living together, financially tied or have kids. What he chooses to do with his money or spare time is up to him. The OP is going to have to accept it or move on and cut her loses. I very much doubt he's ever going to be good husband/father material.

completelyspent

Thanks for all your replies and differing points of view.
I do love him for all his faults-I wouldn't have tried so hard otherwise but I think addictions are different to faults?
I know a bottle of wine a night may not be anything much to some people but this is often the minimum and when you are in a lot of debt it is not something you can necessarily afford.
He is a lovely, lovely person-kind and thoughtful is so many respects. He has just been to the shop to buy me lunch and pick up some shopping. He bought me some J2O's as he knows I'm not drinking-and some wine and beer for himself.
I am very mixed up

miserly_mum

completelyspent wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies and differing points of view.
I do love him for all his faults-I wouldn't have tried so hard otherwise but I think addictions are different to faults?
I know a bottle of wine a night may not be anything much to some people but this is often the minimum and when you are in a lot of debt it is not something you can necessarily afford.
He is a lovely, lovely person-kind and thoughtful is so many respects. He has just been to the shop to buy me lunch and pick up some shopping. He bought me some J2O's as he knows I'm not drinking-and some wine and beer for himself.
I am very mixed up

Hi again, if your BF didn't have debt and earned a good wage (and could afford a bottle of wine and 20 cigs every day) would you find his drinking AS much of a problem?

Primrose

My first reaction to reading your posting is that you may possibly be deluding yourself because you are so fond of this person, and are trying to look at them with your "blind eye". The individual doesn't seem 100% committed to eliminating his/her debt if they are still spending large sums on cigarettes and alcohol, and quite frankly that individual's alcohol consumption would worry me hugely. Are you sure that this individual isn't alcoholic? Be really honest with yourself about this, because if you are in denial and end up in a permanent relationship with children, you will go through HELL living with an alcoholic. (Read all the posts about alcoholics on this site if you need convincing). Money is hugely important in any relationship and it seems to me that this individual hasn't reached the stage of financial maturity where he/she can give you what you are looking for. If your loved one is half-hearted about the commitment to clearing debts, will he/she be equally half-hearted when it comes to dealing with all the other difficult things that might lie ahead of you. This person sadly isn't ready for you. However hard it may be for you to move on, maybe that is what you need to do if you're going to find somebody who will totally share your goals and aspirations.

completelyspent

miserly_mum wrote: »

Hi again, if your BF didn't have debt and earned a good wage (and could afford a bottle of wine and 20 cigs every day) would you find his drinking AS much of a problem?

I think the drinking whilst in so much debt is a double whammy as it isn't showing to me a committment to paying off his debt and our future. But I am worried about his health..like I said originally it's not just about the money..he is storing up health problems for himself. Most people here have said that is a lot he is drinking and where I've been in the middle of this it's been difficult to face up to. My friend's mum recently died of alcoholism at the age of 57 from drinking a couple of bottles of wine a day for the last 15 years. He's started a lot younger than that and although is male and isn't drinking that much at the moment, I am desperately worried it will increase.

completelyspent

miserly_mum wrote: »

January20 wrote: »

If you can spend 7 weeks without having a drink, why can't your partner do the same IF they haven't got a problem?


In the OP's case it is a problem because the BF "enjoys" his drink and she doesn't like him drinking.

The sort of person she wants him to become is probably in all honesty never going to immerge.

They aren't married, living together, financially tied or have kids. What he chooses to do with his money or spare time is up to him. The OP is going to have to accept it or move on and cut her loses. I very much doubt he's ever going to be good husband/father material.

It's not true that I don't like him drinking either...I don't like him drinking to excess and to the detriment of his health and his wallet. I have enjoyed drinking over the years and I did really like red wine, but this experience has put me off.