am I being selfish & unreasonable?

*Louise*

jackie_w wrote: »

All you people telling me im right doesnt im afraid make me feel any better, I feel like a complete and utter s##t, and i will probably cave in. Going to speak to DH tonight when he gets home.

Please please PLEASE don't cave in!!!

Let your mum know that you offered her the money to be repaid at £20p/m and it was turned down.

If you just give your sis the money: 1) She will think she has got one up on you and you will be tapped again for money 2) You will resent giving in and it may affect your relationship with your sis.


£400 is a lot of money to most people - I would bet there are very few people on this site who would give it away to someone who obviously does not appreciate it.

Errata

Jackie, do what feels right for you your OH and your family. It's easy for us to say don't give in to sis, but we won't have to suffer the fallout.
Perhaps this might be an opportunity to lay down some ground rules and set some boundaries ?

bright_side

IF you decide to help her out (which I don't think you should) make sure she knows that asking for more help further down the line is out of the question if she is not prepared to help herself - otherwise I imagine this situation is likely to crop up again and again.

January20

Jackie, I've held my tongue so far, as being an older sister to a much more loved younger sister, I felt I couldn't be objective but... I have to say something now.

Don't cave in now or it will never stop. She will constantly ask you for money with no intention of paying it back and your mother will expect you to give her money.

I suspect that, as you have helped your sis before and perhaps not expected the money back (like the tyre), you have set a precedent and now your sis expects you to carry on subsiding her lifestyle.

Your responsibility is to your OH and your own children.
The only way to stop your sister asking for money is to stop giving it to her. Or if she accepts a loan from you, to no give her any more money until the loan is paid off.

You won't really be helping her out by bailing her out all the time. And what are you teaching your niece? That you can be reckless and then go cap in hand begging to family members?

It's easy for me to say all this to you but honestly I wouldn't like to be in your shoes though because you will need so much courage and strength...

celyn90

Craftyscholar wrote: »

I looked slightly surprised when my former line manager (both in good jobs, regular foreign holidays etc) said she shopped at Lidl. Her reply- look at the expensive cars in the car park!

We shop in Lidl - My OH is German and thinks sainsbury's is scanky
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Edited to say: I think the expression I mentioned earlier is "Fass ohne Boden" - literally a "drum without a bottom"

poppett

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If she has money left over to buy treats then she has to learn that treats must be stopped for a while until the important things are sorted. Did she just ask you outright to pay for it? I personally think she's taking the ...... seeing as she has your mum paying off her credit union loan, then asking you to pay for her car too.

Direct her to this site and maybe she'll have her lightbulb moment.

I must admit that we have had a loan of m-i-l when times were VERY difficult for us but we religiously paid this back monthly to her and our last payment is this month.

JimmyTheWig

jackie_w wrote: »

All you people telling me im right doesnt im afraid make me feel any better, I feel like a complete and utter s##t, and i will probably cave in.

I'm not surprised about any of these three things.
It's a horrible situation to be in. Not fair of your sister or your mum to put you in that situation.

I think caving in is probably inevitable, even though it would be best not to.
I think the question is what terms do you attach to caving in - e.g. getting her to work the money off for you, getting her to allow you to help her with her finances, getting her to agree (maybe in writing to show you mean it) that this is the last time.

Incidentally, is there another family member (aunt, grand parent, etc) who might see things from your (and our) point of view. I know you don't really want to escalate things, but I think you need someone to back you up.

epsilondraconis

I agree you shouldn't cave in; however sometimes that's easier said than done.

How about telling her that you will give her half of the money and that for her birthday / Christmas, you will give her only a token present?

epsilondraconis

Once all of this has blown over, one apporach I think it is worth taking is to every so often mention to your mum and sister that you wish everything wasn't going up in price because you're finding you don't have any spare money at the end of each month and it just seems to be getting worse.

Hopefully then you won't be perceived as being the source of free handouts and your sister will think twice about asking you to bail her out.

aliasojo

Dill wrote: »

:eek:
Your sister seems to have an exaggerated sense of entitlement, to say the least!

This rang a huge bell with me. Short (ish) version is.....son was extremely spolied by his Father (we separated when he was 7) who bought everything his son desired. He was known as the walking wallet in our house. :rolleyes:

I couldn't and wouldn't supply everything son desired so 'Daddy' was the bees knees and I was lesser thought of for many years in my son's eyes. Son became very materialistic and wanted all sorts of gadgets/electronics/brand clothes etc and Daddy supplied. Son knew the value of nothing and had no work ethic and no backbone. He didn't know how to strive for anything as it had all been given to him freely.

He wasted his own money and went to Dad to pay for the important stuff. It never even crossed his mind that there would come a time where he couldn't have something or do what he wanted with no consequences. His sense of entitlement was huge and the moods and strops that occurred if he thought he couldnt get what he wanted were ridiculous. He was a spolit, self centred little swine. It was such a shame, as it wasn't his fault that he turned out like that.....his Father's input had ensured that our son had never fully developed a well rounded personality as he had never had any hardship to deal with.

Although I tried for years to counteract this, an immature spoiled person will never understand the sense in doing without when they've always just got whatever they wanted from somewhere else, so my words fell on deaf ears.

Fast forward years later and the shoe is on the other foot, Son is an adult and has matured. He has more respect for me...and none for his Dad, he treats his Dad like a doormat now he realises that his Dad only ever wanted an easy life and didn't want to rock the boat by actually caring enough about son's welfare and development enough to say no sometimes.

I suspect the OP's Mum might be a little like my son's Dad, and the sister is like my son........it's easier to give people what they want rather than cause a row. The sister is the youngest so is more likely to have got her own way possibly?

Nothing you can say will have an effect imo. Unless the person themselves want to change (and why should they as there are always people to fall back on like the OP?)....then this is just a perpetuating circle. Change involves actions, not words.....and sis's actions include still spending money on things that she could easily cut back on, but doesn't want to.

It's all about choice. So if her choice is to live in that way, your choice should be to let her get on with it (and suffer the consequences). It's amazing to me that anyone thinks it's acceptable for an adult person to not only have to deal with their own finances and budgets but they should also have the role of financial back up for a spender.

I KNOW how hard it is to be the baddie. I KNOW how bad it can make you feel. I also KNOW that sometimes you have to be the stronger person not just for your sis's sake but also your own.

Don't keep bailing her out.