am I being selfish & unreasonable?

vicky_kidder

Yes your sister does need help right now - but not in monetary terms. The problem is every feels entitled to have luxury items as if they are everyday necessities, e.g. widecreen-tv's, regular hair appointments, nails done, nights-outs, meals etc.

This just simply isn't the case. Priorities are skewed and people are living beyond their means. You sohuld not give her the money - you would not be helping her.

I'm a third year degree student and rather than accumulate high overdrafts and numerous expensive credit and store cards by going out 4 nights a week and wasting money on alcohol and expensive clothes, I set my self a budget of what needed to be paid, what I wanted to save and then spent whatever I had left. I got myself a job part-time and enjoyed a weekly night out.

Now instead of coming out of uni in masses of debt I'm £5,000 up. If you live within your means and prioritise life is not so hard although you might not be able to afford luxuries but hey!

(By the way, I haven't relied on parents for hand-outs or anything like that, I've never taken a penny. I've just worked damn hard and resticted my outgoings!)

arthur_dent_2

Well done Jackie W and an extra special well done to Mr W. I would have been very proud of my husband if he had stood up for me like that. I am sure in time your mum will be back to normal and as for your sister, as hard as it is she must learn.

belfastgirl23

I think the biggest problem here is the expectation and the fact that your sister is refusing to take proper responsibility for her own life (and that of her daughter). Presumably this isn't a recent thing either if there was joint debt before she split up from her husband. And in asking for money I guess I would somehow feel that she was asking me to shoulder some of that responsibility. I wonder if you could put it to her like this? She'll probably hate it but if she's already annoyed with you then what have you got to lose. I agree with the others that you wouldn't be doing her any favours by doing this.

I guess though that it's probably worth looking at where you might be able to help in a different way. EG with clothes for your neice (if you can find stuff cheaper etc) or inviting them round for a decent meal once in a while, so helping to ease the burden in whatever way YOU find appropriate rather than being dictated to by your sister.

arthur_dent_2

If she must have Next clothes or better, I suggest she starts going to car boot sales. I couldn't give a monkeys about the label on the back of my childrens clothes, but as I buy the majority from car boot sales I do find that a big percentage say Next.

Carmina_Piranha_3

given the choice i prefer to buy next for one of my children because he's chunky, and i've found that ebay is great for next clothes. if however your sis is like one of my friends and wants the current next stuff and gets a buzz from going into the shop and buying it, and wouldn't want her kids to be seen in last season's next () then she probably won't listen.

next clothes wash quite well and don't shrink , fade or twist the way that supermarket clothes do so quite often second hand ones are okay.

beachbeth

arthur_dent wrote: »

If she must have Next clothes or better, I suggest she starts going to car boot sales. I couldn't give a monkeys about the label on the back of my childrens clothes, but as I buy the majority from car boot sales I do find that a big percentage say Next.

Ive bought Next clothes from Ebay and they've been great and so cheap too!

Well done Jackie_W! Its so hard standing up to your mum and other family and its great that your hubby did this for you. The trouble with your sister is that, knowing that people are there to bail her out makes her carry on behaving in the same way. Imagine if she had no family at all! She would have to be more careful with money because there would be no one to help should she come a cropper.

Having a nice buffer in the form of a mum and older sister means she doesn't have to think too much about where her money goes.

k.louise_2

I would never lend/give to anybody again. 4 yrs ago I was persauded to ,lend. £5,000 to my brother who promised he could pay me back. So far not a penny, never mentions it. Its also a secret, his wife must not know. So Ive lost £5,000 to keep a secret.I was a mug.I am a pensioner as well.as a wally. I dont know how some people sleep. End of rant. People change when theyre in trouble.

nearlyrich

I am always happy to lend people who I care about money if they are having a bad time and I don't always ask for it back but I think the OP's sister is unreasonable expecting £425 without any intention of paying it back. £20 a month is only one bottle of wine a week or half a takeaway meal. If she can't manage on £24k with one child she is living beyond her means and constantly being bailed out by Mummy and big Sis won't get her to change her ways.

Don't feel bad Jackie you have done the right thing.

ohsosad

speranza wrote: »

I don't think you're being unreasonable (though perhaps a bit patronizing - and the person who suggested you buy her a copy of The Money Diet is totally out of order), but I'm going to disagree with everyone else and suggest you help her.

Clearly, you have made better choices in life regarding finances - to the point where you can describe yourself as "very comfortable". While you have every right to feel good about that, why would you want to sit on all your savings knowing that your sister is struggling so hard and knowing that you could do something about it? You don't have an obligation to do so, but no one really has an obligation to help anyone - does that mean we shouldn't?

To be honest, this is something that bothers me a lot on these boards. People who've managed to do well for themselves and then think they're above helping anyone who's struggling because, well, why should they? Of course, they try to make it seem like they're only doing what's best for the person (their hardship was self-inflicted, they need to learn, etc.) but there's a nasty sort of moralising under that attitude and I don't like it at all.

You also say that she *needs* her car for work, so what happens if it becomes totally unusable? At a practical level, it makes more sense to get whatever is wrong fixed now rather than later.

It just seems to me that you want to not help so that you can prove a point. Is this really the best occasion to do that?

Do you think this could be your sister:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: