am I being selfish & unreasonable?

Kantankrus_Mare

How does your dad feel about all this Jackie? Could he not make your Mum see sense that your not being unreasonable?

There is no way I would have lent it to her either(unless I knew I would get it back) and I think you have done the right thing........hurtful though your sisters responce was.

I have a friend I work with. I know for a fact she is behind with her rent...council tax...and various other bills. (she tells me this on a weekly basis) but then she will go in expensive clothes shops and put things on lay by or she will go and buy expensive jewellery.

She also goes out regular and buys a few bottles of wine most weekends so........much as I like this girl and get on with her..I have no sympathy.

She lives in a not very nice rented place as well. Im afraid in her position I would be doing my damndest to get out of there but she will never change.

jackie_w

My dad agrees with me, he doesnt help her out, because he thinks shes a waster. Mum and Dad are separated so he doesnt say anything (to my mum) about her helping her out.

I just feel that im a bank to my sister just because Im comfortable (and call me patronising if you want I know Im not(whoever that poster was), just because ive been there done that and never going there again I make sure I never make the same mistakes), i think she thinks she can just ask me for money.

Its not that I feel Im above her, and shouldnt help her out, but, when I read through my post, and I remembered other things that she had done, and I gave her money to help out, I thought to myself "everybody should agree with you, cos i am being treated like a mug. My sister has been in debt for years, and would take out loan after loan after loan to try to reduce her debt, but it never worked, and all her debt went on doing up her house (which is absolutely gorgeous by the way), cars, and clothes.
I tried to tell her a couple of years ago that she should be looking at her finances and she used to reply "so what". It was only when her and her DH split up that the s##t hit the fan.

I feel I have bent over backwards to help her. Ive bought my neice clothes (but this doesnt stop my sis buying her clothes). At easter I spent more on my neice than I did on my own 2 kids. My 2 got an easter egg, but, I bought my neice a DVD and a Nintendo game which she had been asking for and sis was saying she was going to buy them for her, but, I stepped in and bought them because I knew she couldnt afford them.

I will just have to wait and see what happens. My mum looks after my DS when Im at work (I work for DH), so, I will see what she says tomorrow. I think I will tell her that if if bothers her that much she should use the babysitting money I give her to sort out my sister car.

Jackie

Carmina_Piranha_3

jackie it's not patronising. you've been in that situation yourself and you know that the only way to sort things out long term is to actually recognise there's a problem and want to do something about it.

does your mum babysit your sister's child too?

Gillianh2

Jackie,
I have to say that I am astounded that you pay your Mum to babysit:D My Parents used to look after my 2 whilst I worked worked and though by no means well off themselves they refused point blank to take any money.:rolleyes:
I think you are already helping your Sis as your Mum is paying her Credit Union loan with your Baby sitting money.:rolleyes:

Your Sis needs to learn that money doesnt grow on trees. One Month of no takeaways and no Wine and she should have almost enough to repair her car.

I wouldnt help her either she cant be bothered to help herself then its her own fault. You get her car repaired now what will it be next. The Boiler in the house, the daughters school uniform, trip etc; it will be a never ending circle with her going to the Bank of Sister.:eek:

jackie_w

Yes between her and my dad they look after my neice after school and during the school holidays. Sometimes her dad has her but its usually one day during the week because of his shifts at work.

My sis doesnt give my mum any money for baby sitting its only me, and to be honest, I offered my mum the money she didnt ask for it, but, DS is 3 now, and she has been watching him for a couple of years, and now she expects the money every month (£250). My mum doesnt have any savings either to help my sister out (by this I mean help her with her car)cos my mum has a large Provident loan.

Jackie

Lunar_Eclipse

speranza wrote: »

I don't think you're being unreasonable (though perhaps a bit patronizing - and the person who suggested you buy her a copy of The Money Diet is totally out of order), but I'm going to disagree with everyone else and suggest you help her.

Clearly, you have made better choices in life regarding finances - to the point where you can describe yourself as "very comfortable". While you have every right to feel good about that, why would you want to sit on all your savings knowing that your sister is struggling so hard and knowing that you could do something about it? You don't have an obligation to do so, but no one really has an obligation to help anyone - does that mean we shouldn't?

To be honest, this is something that bothers me a lot on these boards. People who've managed to do well for themselves and then think they're above helping anyone who's struggling because, well, why should they? Of course, they try to make it seem like they're only doing what's best for the person (their hardship was self-inflicted, they need to learn, etc.) but there's a nasty sort of moralising under that attitude and I don't like it at all.

You also say that she *needs* her car for work, so what happens if it becomes totally unusable? At a practical level, it makes more sense to get whatever is wrong fixed now rather than later.

It just seems to me that you want to not help so that you can prove a point. Is this really the best occasion to do that?

Excellent post. Honourable attitude that isn't often seen in action.

I agree that the OP is not being selfish or unreasonable. However I'm not sure I would refuse to help either. Her actions are not reasonable (new clothes?), but then she has a failed relationship and by the sounds of it, serious money issues. I suspect she is burying her head in the sand.

However, on the basis that she clearly has disposable income (although I would suspect in reality she doesn't and should be sticking to a very strict budget), I think a loan would be fair. She can pay back a pre-determined amount every month. (Although what can you do if she defaults)? Perhaps making it clear that you are expecting to be repaid as agreed in advance and if she doesn't stick to it 100%, there could be future consequences if she needs your help.

jackie_w

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Excellent post. Honourable attitude that isn't often seen in action.

I agree that the OP is not being selfish or unreasonable. However I'm not sure I would refuse to help either. Her actions are not reasonable (new clothes?), but then she has a failed relationship and by the sounds of it, serious money issues. I suspect she is burying her head in the sand.

However, on the basis that she clearly has disposable income (although I would suspect in reality she doesn't and should be sticking to a very strict budget), I think a loan would be fair. She can pay back a pre-determined amount every month. (Although what can you do if she defaults)? Perhaps making it clear that you are expecting to be repaid as agreed in advance and if she doesn't stick to it 100%, there could be future consequences if she needs your help.

But ive helped in the past, shes asking for help again, so where does it end? As ive said Ive already offered her the money in a loan, and shes threw it back in my face because she cant afford to pay me back, and all I was asking was for £20 per month until it was paid!!! What else can I do?

Jackie

Lunar_Eclipse

jackie_w wrote: »

Ive taken on everyones points, and Ive called my sister and told her that I will loan her the money, and have asked that she pay me £20 per month until the loan is repaid (she has found out from the garage that it will cost £425 to get the car fixed). She has told me that she cannot pay me the money back and that I can stick my money and hung up on me.

Oh and by the way, I was speaking to my dad earlier, and he has told me that she has a night out planned next week with her friends!!!!!!!

There is absolutely no way Im giving her any money, Im not having anybody treating me like a mug, family or no family.

Jackie

Oh dear. Well good for you. You tried to do a good deed and her behaviour is really not on. Hopefully she will see that. I rather suspect she is just really really jealous of your situation/you.

celyn90

jackie_w wrote: »

Its not that I feel Im above her, and shouldnt help her out, but, when I read through my post, and I remembered other things that she had done, and I gave her money to help out, I thought to myself "everybody should agree with you, cos i am being treated like a mug.

You don't sound at all like you think you are above her. You sound like a concerned sibling wanting her sister not to be in this situation and realising that handing over cash isn't going to solve the problem; and you've been there yourself so you know it's not the answer. You sound like a sibling who is quite rightly disappointed that she is treated in such a dreadful fashion and one that feels she is treated more like a bank than family member. You sound like someone who's tried very hard in the past to make it better for her.

I'm really sorry she didn't react well to your suggestion - it was a very reasonable one to make; one which would have solved her problem and forced her to take or at least consider taking some responsibility. You offered a helping hand, and she *chose* not to take it. It does sound a little like jealousy to me.

"It's alright for you, you don't have any debt" was the retort that used to wind me up with my sister - which was true, but then I also don't have boxfuls of designer clothes, the latest games consoles, a huge TV, money to buy the whole bar rounds of vodka shots or to spend in health spas and posh salons - in fact I had so little disposable income I could hardly afford anything.

Oh - my sister and I get on fine now by the way. I guess she's grown up a bit since then.

I hope you get on okay tommorrow and that it doesn't cause a problem in your family. cel x

Lunar_Eclipse

jackie_w wrote: »

But ive helped in the past, shes asking for help again, so where does it end? As ive said Ive already offered her the money in a loan, and shes threw it back in my face because she cant afford to pay me back, and all I was asking was for £20 per month until it was paid!!! What else can I do?

Jackie

Sorry, cross post. Nothing. You've done the right thing (IMO). Well done. It must have been hard to even offer given her past behaviour so I would just leave her to it and see what happens.

Your idea about the pool car loan was brilliant. She is not helping herself sadly.