am I being selfish & unreasonable?

speranza

My goodness, that's a bit of a rude response, don't you think? Or do you just want everyone to agree with you so that you can feel validated? I didn't insult you at all, I specifically said that you *weren't* being unreasonable, but you did sound somewhat patronizing *to me*.

hobo28

You are not being unreasonable but from your families point of view, you are refusing to help your own sister in her time of need. Quite frankly your sister should never have put you in this position in the first place!

Now we can all see here why and for what its worth i think in the long run you are doing the right thing.

The fact your OH would also be against it to me says you have the perfect excuse. I wouldn't preach about managing her finances better. You can't help someone until they want help and right now she doesn't want help, she just wants cash. So I'd stick to the line that you are not siphoning money away and deceiving your OH.

As for spending on the occasional takeout and night out, don't be too harsh on your sister. She's obviously under a lot of pressure and we all deserve the occasional night out/luxury.

liney

I completely agree that you should notbe expected to bail your sister out, and she doesn't seem to have a clue with money. As she is in such a hole, does she have a birthday comming up You could you give her a small amount towards the repair saying ' I know you need your car fixing - i thought you might appreciate your birthday present early so you can put it towards the repairs' Perhaps that would take the edge off some of the bad feeling going around?

shelly

I'm with you on this one jackie (and the majority)

If she was learning then I'd say help her out, but for you to give her money to replace a wheel, then she gets a pic blown up, which is not a neccessity, beggars belief!
Maybe get her to compromise, you won't pay it all but will go halves with her. Tell her that's your offer, take it or leave it. But I think even that suggestion will be met with more sarcastic comments.

People like your sister will never learn because they don't have to.

*Louise*

I think she has a cheek asking for the money for repairs but obviously having no intention of paying it back.

If I were in the position, I would probably loan it, but under the condition that it was paid back, even if it was 'x' amount per month. And with a strict understanding that if she defaults, then she will never borrow another penny.

No one is going to learn if they are just given money.

Reggie_Rebel

Is it a loan, she's got no intention of paying it back?

If I were in your position, which you and your husband, have worked hard to attain, they I probably would consider lending the money but not on a 'not getting back basis', which is effectively a gift.

I would certainly want some commitment from her to repay you along with her other debts, obviously a loan from you has advantages, no interest and no fixed time scale. She's not going to get that deal anywhere else.

skylight

I have to agree with Louise.

I would look at it that I would not be happy, but she is my sister afterall. If the car is not repaired then what happens? Will she lose her job? I know that she could use the pool car temporarily or borrow some from work and I don't know why she wont.

But I too would tell her that this is not a gift, it is a repayable but interest free loan at x per month (even if its £30) starting from next month, standing order into my account. If its not repaid there will never be another penny coming from my direction. I too would mention the wheel that was never repaid and the fact that in my opinion she is taking my mother "for a ride".

RoxieW

I've recently had this with a family member borrowing £200 from me, then booking a holdiday to disneyworld. I dont think you're being unreasonable. The hard part is saying no, and you've done that. Stick to your guns. If you were to help anyone out it should be your mum - what a shame she's paying £70 a month out of her pension for your sisters loan grrrrrrrrrrr! that make sme mad!

pollyanna24

I simply wouldn't let people know the state of my finances.

Me and bf have worked out little butts off since we got together to get the nice house we are in now. At the moment we have savings of about £15K, but I don't think anyone need know about them as I am pregnant and we may have to dip into that money when I give up work.

My mum is of the impression that we are well off simply because we earn more than her and dad, but we hardly ever out and our mortgage is quite large.

I would be so miffed if I was expected to help a family member out just because they got themselves into a state (I'm not saying I wouldn't try and help if I could, it just I think how hard we have worked to get here - and there's a long long way to go before I feel financially secure). That £15K is my safety net, because I don't want to be in that kind of situation. We put money aside for everything because we don't want to rely on anyone because why should we, we are adults after all!

moneypooh

"Part of me does want to help her because she is my sister and I love her to bits, but, another part of me, a big part is like no, im not helping anymore".

Of course you want to help her but that doesn't mean giving in to her wants, when she can't see her own needs. The phrase 'hard love' is exactly that but in this case on you. If you give her the money where do you all stand? A fixed car, a happy (not learnt anything, except that you are a financila resourse) sister, and yourself concerned that you didn't do the right thing.
I guess there are 2 rights and 2 wrongs depending on your point of view and of course experience.
I think the best solution is to help, but with strings attached. Draw up an agreement for the money to be repaid, or no deal. Financial awareness is something people don't always want to have. It's easier to act the naive helpless person instead of getting a grip. It seems with her other expenditures she certainly hasn't got a grip of her new situation and this she must address.

You are not responsible for another adult just because you are her sister. Love and support, yes.