am I being selfish & unreasonable?

jackie_w

My Sis has alot of debt, and I mean alot of debt. She split up from her partner just before Christmas, and the majority of the debt is in her name. The debt which is in joint names her ex is paying by himself.

She works full time, and earns £24k per year, she has just had her mortgage changed into her name.

She is having problems with her car which she does need to get her to and from work, and she cant afford to put the car into the garage, and she has asked me to pay for it, but, she wont be able to give me the money back. The repair for the car will be in the region of £300 - £400.

Now I can pay for this, but TBH I really grudge paying it for her because I dont feel she is really trying to get herself out of a hole For example, she has about 3 credit cards, 2 catalogues, 1 loan and a next directory card. She says she is concentrating on paying the next directory card because its the only source she has to buy clothing for her and her daughter. She is still buying bottles of wine at the weekend. Usually gets a take away on a saturday for her and DD, still gets her hair cut AND she has even had a night out. There was money left over from when she changed the mortage over into her own name, and she bought some things for the house!!!!!
My mum who is a pensioner is paying my sis' credit union loan which is £15 per week.

Ive told my sister that I dont think I should be paying for her car to be fixed as she has had money which she could have used to get the car fixed, and Ive told her that I dont think she is trying hard enough. All of her credit cards a limited up to the maximum so she cant even use these to pay for the repair.

My sis and my mum think I am being very selfish about this, because I can afford to pay for the repairs, and think Im being unreasonable when I say she shouldnt be treating herself and her daughter to luxuries. You should have see their faces when I said that maybe she shoudl try the charity shops or premark, George or Matalan for clothes until such times as she is in a better position moneywise. The reason I say all these things is because Ive been where she is now (as in money problems), and these are things that Me and my family did without and I certainly went to cheaper sources for clothing.

So, I would like an outsiders point of view, am I being unreasonable and selfish. What would you do?


Jackie xx

feelinggood_2

No, you aren't being unreasonable or selfish. I think that if you were to bail your sister out, it is less likely that she will change her ways. Perhaps a compromise would work, instead of paying for her car to be fixed, why not buy her a copy of The Money Diet?

newcook

I dont think you are being unreasonable. Perhaps you could sit down with her and list all incomings, outgoings and whats left over and show her she can still have 'treats' but if she went without these treats for a couple of months then debt 'x' would be gone leaving more etc...

bulchy

I dont think your being unreasonable. You say shes had the money and spent it on other things, what has she spent it on that was more important than her car repairs? If you bail her out this time, she will never learn.
Sue

debs66_2

you are not responsible for your sister. she is an adult and capable of looking after herself. if she chooses to fritter away her cash, then she pays the consequences.

if she was struggling, and you could see she was desperate, and cutting her cloth accordingly, then i'm sure you would offer before being asked.

if she's still showing no signs of managing her money better, then she's taking the ****, and no offence re your mum, but she is enabling your sister's financial activities and mentality. shame on your sister for letting your mum pay that £15 a week from her pension.

you could offer to help as a loan, and make sure you draw up an agreement, but would you be prepared to take action if she failed to pay...?

This is going to end up messy whatever, but you have two options, pay up and keep the peace (and then she may come back for more), or pass on some honest truths and stand your ground.

good luck!

families, eh?

angelfairy

Just for my 2p worth, i do not think you are being selfish. As you say, you have been in a similar position to her and you and your family had to make sacrifices.

It is like why should you have had to make all those changes to your life and then she gets to live the same life which helped her get the debts she has, only for you to bail her out.

Not fair in my opinion, but that is only my opinion.

celyn90

No, you're not being selfish or unreasonable at all. In fact I think you are being really very reasonable. You will help more by not giving money in the long run.

I've been in the same situation, bailing out a sibling in trouble - and I had no money myself at the time. Then she then promptly went and did it again - and I still feel a little sad that she felt it was appropriate to blow money on partying and alochol in the way that she did when she had effectively been resuced by my parents and me, neither of whom could afford it really and were living very simply to avoid debt. Only when the source of credit ran out did my sister have to rethink her lifestyle and learn that the basic "needs" need to be paid before the "wants". My partners mother describes people like that as "empty drums" where you an keep pouring in cash, but it never stops being empty. I love my sister to bits, but provision of money - which would have been a constant thing - would never have solved her debt problems.

Her problem isn't/wasn't debt, but expenditure - the lifestyle she wanted coupled with inability to live within her means. It's hard when it is a family member, but it doesn't mean you don't love her - from what you've written - she could pay for the repairs herself - she just chooses not to - so it's not that she is helpless. I think you've done the right thing. The hardest thing, but the right thing.

Carmina_Piranha_3

she does need help, but i would be unwilling to give it if she wasn't learning to change her habits.

buying next clothes, for example. i like next clothes because they are a good fit for one of my children, but i buy them from ebay second hand, or in the next sale. it's nice to get new clothes for a wedding etc. but second hand is good enough for most days and any new clothes usually come from tesco.

it's all very well choosing to buy new clothes from next if the finances allow, but if you are skint then it's just throwing money away. there are much cheaper places to buy clothes.

if your sister is not willing to face this and refuses to buy cheaper clothes then she is always going to be in financial trouble. she needs educating and i agree that you should buy her the money diet.

janegresty

You are def not being selfish. How will she ever learn in life if people keep offering to do things for her? If she can afford a night out, hair cuts, take aways etc then tbh she is not struggling with money. As if she really needed your help, she would be wearing worn clothes, eating baked beans and cheapy food... not bothering with her hair etc. And she def would not be going out.
If she needs the car to get to work, then tbh she needs to prioritise her money and get the car sorted. If you pay for that and she doesn't pay you back, then what else will she expect you to pay for next time?
She may then spend more on crap, and then come running when she is in debt or can't pay her electric etc... and will expect you to bail her out.

squidge60

why should you help your sister .trouble is family want help and expect it but in my experiance they dont give anything back!!dont do it if you feel the way you do now you will only end up feeling worse if you do.;)

beachbeth

I don't think you're being selfish either. A few years ago when my husband and I were strapped for cash we certainly didn't shop at Next!!! Its not the most expensive shop but it isn't cheap either. I bought clothes from the cheap shops or not at all, ate cheaper cuts of meat and never went out. We didn't have huge credit card bills and didn't want to build any up either so we just went without.

Its hard to help someone who doesn't seem to be trying to help themselves. If it was me, though, I would probably pay up to keep the peace but if you feel strongly enough about this then try to find other ways to help her rather than giving her money.