am I being selfish & unreasonable?

arthur_dent_2

I am sorry to say it, but your sister does not sound very nice to me. In fact she sounds very childish and selfish. As for your mum she is just trying to do her best by her daughter. Unfortunately it does seem to be the case that often one child is treated with little respect when they are doing things as they should be done and another less deserving child is treated like a saint despite really really not deserving it.

You were very good hearted to have offered your sister a loan and since she doesn't even have the decency to know upon which side her bread is buttered, I would not offer again.

*Louise*

jackie_w wrote: »

Ive taken on everyones points, and Ive called my sister and told her that I will loan her the money, and have asked that she pay me £20 per month until the loan is repaid (she has found out from the garage that it will cost £425 to get the car fixed). She has told me that she cannot pay me the money back and that I can stick my money and hung up on me.

*Shocked*
I'm sorry...I know it's your sister...but what an ungrateful so-and-so:eek: (trying hard not to swear)

you tried - you offered her a more than reasonable option for repayment. She can't need her car that badly if she can tell you to 'stick' £425.

I'm gobsmacked that she really expected you to just give her the money for nothing....wow.:shocked:

JimmyTheWig

Ive sat her down, and went through all her finances, and when she seen a financial advisor, he told her things didnt look good.

Ah, that was going to be my suggestion.

jackie_w wrote: »

I did give her money just after Christmas as her car needed a new wheel, and it was about £60, then a couple of days after I gave her the money, she got this photo blown up of her daughter which cost her £20!!! I was like "that could have been put towards your car wheel", to which sis replies "well you said you would give me the money". There is just no getting through to her.

This to me would be the last straw.

...

But then she does need this car for work. If she lost her job that really wouldn't help anyone.

How "comfortable" are you? Would you be ok if you gave her this money and didn't get it back? If so, how about you lend her the money but let her work it off for you. Are there jobs she could help you with - e.g. cleaning, ironing, etc? At least then she'd be "paying it back" in some sense.
And/or could a condition of giving her the money be that this will be the last time and she needs to budget to make sure she doesn't end up in this situation again. Could you help her with this? Use your expertise from when you were there yourself?

At some point you need to say no. Whether this is that point or not, only you can decide...

Burlesque_Babe

There is nothing else you can do. You went over and above the 'cause of duty' by offering her the money and she spurned what is a very generous offer.

Sometimes, tough love is needed if a loved one is ever going to give themselves a shake and sort out their life.

It's time for you to step back - you 'did the right thing' in the eyes of your mum (even though you were definitely not being selfish by not wanting to help!) and if she makes any more comments, you can tell her what happened on the phone.

Some people have to hit rock bottom before they can move back up again. With credit cards, a next account all maxed and a broken car, she will start to head that way.

Fingers crossed that one day she will come to you for help in re-shaping her finances.

Bring her along to the DFW board armed with an SOA and we'll all help her.

melancholly

do you think that maybe your mum might be constantly telling her how much money you have and how 'comfortable' you are which may be inflaming the situation? perhaps your sister just feels inadequate being compared against you? not that that is anything to do with your behaviour and i think you've done the right thing - giving your sister the money isn't going to stop the problem, just make it go away until the next time.

i don't know what to suggest to fix it long term though. it's a common thing - you really just can't help anyone until they want to be helped.... she is well overdue a LBM about her spending habits. it's a horrible position to be in, but facilitating an irresponsible attitude over money by giving more handouts will not help her in the long term.

seven-day-weekend

You know sometimes if you have what other people consider to be 'money' some people think that is your duty to share it around with them as they haven't got 'money'. This can be anyone, not just family.

My next-door neighbour in the UK is convinced we have what he considers 'money' and is always saying things like 'well of course I have to pay my Council Tax ' (so do we), 'well of course I have a mortgage (so did we and just kept paying it for twenty years until it was gone). He won't ever socialise as 'he can't afford it'.

And yet he is the one who buys a new car, shops at Sainsburys, goes on holiday for six weeks at a time and buys hand-made shoes.

I think your offer has been more than generous.

Errata

jackie_w wrote: »

But ive helped in the past, shes asking for help again, so where does it end? As ive said Ive already offered her the money in a loan, and shes threw it back in my face because she cant afford to pay me back, and all I was asking was for £20 per month until it was paid!!! What else can I do?

Jackie

There's nothing more you can do. If you give her the money it will never end and neither will the emotional blackmail.
I wonder if your sister has ever done anything to help you?

Dill

jackie_w wrote: »

Ive taken on everyones points, and Ive called my sister and told her that I will loan her the money, and have asked that she pay me £20 per month until the loan is repaid (she has found out from the garage that it will cost £425 to get the car fixed). She has told me that she cannot pay me the money back and that I can stick my money and hung up on me.

:eek:
Your sister seems to have an exaggerated sense of entitlement, to say the least! It's puzzling to me how someone can demand £400-odd, just like that. And then throw a strop at being asked to pay it back!

Well done for being strong about this, - as others have said, she's on a reasonable wage, just can't/won't manage her money. How long will it be before she comes to you again..

3plus1

OP, whilst your sister may feel inferior to you because of your earnings, that does not by any means give her an automatic right to your income. For one thing, like her, you've made your own family now. Whether or not you and your OH have kids, you're each other's 'new' family and you need to put each other first when it comes to financial decisions. I'm appalled at your mother and your sister suggesting 'he doesn't need to know' - apart from the fact that they're being selfish, they're showing very little respect for your relationship. Of course your OH has a right to have an opinion on where your money should go - it's not just your money, as in you singular, it's your money, as in the money belonging to the two of you. Both being married, I'm surprised they don't understand that.

I would be inclined to sympathise with your sister if she was the slightest bit remorseful, but she's just using you. If she gets over herself, accepts that you earn more money, but that's nothing to be jealous or upset about because you're her sister and of course she should want good things for you, then she might get into the frame of mind where spending sensibly and cutting back is a possibility! I don't think she'll have her lightbulb moment until she stops thinking about her own selfish needs and starts being happy for you rather than resentful.

If you end up seeing her struggle in front of you and she seems more amenable to it, do offer her that loan again. If she won't take it, at least you'll know you'll have given her every opportunity to sort herself out.

Incidentally, I would 'lend' money to my sister for an unexpected bill like her car breaking down. Why? My sister's attitudes to money have turned round over the past few years, she's very MSE Old Style now and I know she's doing her best to live within her means. She's proud of me for earning more money, and that's why I wouldn't ask for the 'loan' back. Your sister on the other hand seems to be making no effort.

haylibo

Jackie-W Sorry, slightly different angle....
Of course you know you are being reasonable but I suspect the title of your post should have been something like 'I know I am reasonable and careful with money, my sister spends like water and is irresponsible AND my mum is taking her side in demanding I pay for my sisters costs!' (bit long:))
The question then is how to get your sister to understand and how to get your mum to see sense but there's a good reason for not posting that one and it's because you can't. I hope it's some consolation that we MSEers largely support your viewpoint but it must be tough that your mum doesn't agree with you not giving your sis the money.
You've been brave to stand up for yourself and sounds like you've done your best in the past. You don't have to justify not giving your sister money as being in her own best interest, you can simply say 'no' because you don't want to do it for the umpteenth time. Your money, your choice. Families can be a mystery...

PS I agree with others on not letting family know how much money you earn/savings you have etc. Keep them out of your beeswax:)

PPS Good idea to put in the offer of a loan. If I was in !!!!!! and someone offered me a bail-out loan I'd be grateful not slamming the 'phone down.
Out of interest, is your sister the youngest?
BW