am I being selfish & unreasonable?

Gillby1

Jackie,

I feel a huge sense of frustration reading this thread because I’ve been in a similar position with my sister for years. She rarely asks for such large amounts, but will come to me in tears because she's short of money, despite buying a hugely expensive laptop or a booking an expensive weekend away with her friends. I often help her out in small ways, buy making sure she has enough food, or buying her drinks if we go out, and I often end up paying for birthday/Christmas gifts for our parents and family as she can’t afford to contribute. But it is incredibly hard to watch when she goes for her monthly hair appointment and spends over £60 each time! Telling her that she’s wasting money is difficult, because she gets upset about it…

The problem is not that you begrudge helping out your sister, but that you know your contribution isn’t appreciated (as the pattern keeps repeating itself). The worst thing is that you can be made out to be selfish, or end up feeling like a nag!

I hope you resolve this in a way that works well for everyone. Perhaps you could explain that you will help on this occasion, but only if you are assured that this will be the last time.

Gillby

Skippycat

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable. She is earning a decent wage and if she can find money for wine, takeaways etc then surely she can find the money to pay for her own car. If you pay for the car this time then she could expect you to do the same in future as well. She needs to learn how to budget and prioritise like other people do.

Carmina_Piranha_3

do you work? if not this is your husbands money she wants to take and not repay. if he says no then i really think you ought to respect that.

families are difficult and she seems to have your mum wrapped around her finger and not being able to see that she needs to start living within her means. however if your sis has only just split up from her partner and the child is used to having clothes from next and everything else then it might take a while to adjust to the way things are now. perhaps you could offer to buy the inter coat etc. from next for the child's birthdays or christmas presents, but then everything else could come from cheaper shops.

if losing the car will mean your sister loses her job and possibly her home then she really does need to get it fixed. i think you know you are going to give in on this, but rightly so it vexes you that she sees you as a cash source and has no intention of repaying you, or of changing her spending habits.

if i were you i think i would be too weak to go against the family, and i would feel sorry for my niece too. but i would let my husband tell her himself that she has to repay the money. actually, to begin with i would get my husband to tell her that she needs to ask work for a loan or for the pool car rather than expecting him to pay for her car.

floss2

speranza wrote: »

.....the person who suggested you buy her a copy of The Money Diet is totally out of order.....

Personally I think this is an inspired idea!

I also agree with the majority that you are not being unreasonable.....but maybe you could offer to pay for the repairs but not in cash. Either buy a voucher from the garage, or pre-pay direct with them, or even go with her when she picks her car up from the garage. Then you & your OH know that your money is going directly on the purpose for which it is being loaned and not on fripperies, and she may then realise that you are not a soft touch for cash any more.

Then you should come to some firm arrangement for repayment, over say 6months, in writing. Or offer to ebay some of her daughters old Next clothes & keep the proceeds as payment!

Floss x

jackie_w

Ive taken on everyones points, and Ive called my sister and told her that I will loan her the money, and have asked that she pay me £20 per month until the loan is repaid (she has found out from the garage that it will cost £425 to get the car fixed). She has told me that she cannot pay me the money back and that I can stick my money and hung up on me.

Oh and by the way, I was speaking to my dad earlier, and he has told me that she has a night out planned next week with her friends!!!!!!!

There is absolutely no way Im giving her any money, Im not having anybody treating me like a mug, family or no family.

Jackie

jak

Do NOT give that girl any money!!!!!She's not a child and is acting disgracefully!

shelly

jackie_w wrote: »

Ive taken on everyones points, and Ive called my sister and told her that I will loan her the money, and have asked that she pay me £20 per month until the loan is repaid (she has found out from the garage that it will cost £425 to get the car fixed). She has told me that she cannot pay me the money back and that I can stick my money and hung up on me.

Oh and by the way, I was speaking to my dad earlier, and he has told me that she has a night out planned next week with her friends!!!!!!!

There is absolutely no way Im giving her any money, Im not having anybody treating me like a mug, family or no family.

Jackie

At least you can say you tried, you offered a loan and she threw it back in your face.
Least you know where you stand with her now. Just remind her of this recent conversation next time she asks you for money because there most definately will be a next time!

floss2

You have made her the offer, and if she has refused to accept it then you can do no more.

I would leave her to it, and if she asks again, just remind her of the time that you offered but she refused.

Floss x

Carmina_Piranha_3

your sis has a cheek :eek:

you're her sister - not her partner or parent. it's not your problem. a loan at £20 a month (and you probably didn't ask for interest either, despite it taking her more than 2 years to repay you at £20 per month) is a REALLY generous deal! to not take you up on it, and to expect you to just hand over the money as a gift is really unbelievable.

jess1974

I have read this thread and feel furious for Jackie, how dare your sister treat you like this...In the past i have had 'friends' hinting that they need to borrow money, I have pre empted this by saying 'oh no my boiler needs replacing etc etc'. Is there anyway you can invent a reason to have to fork out lots of money thus making you skint for a while?
Then when she asks you again, its a case of 'i'd love to, but we're absolutely broke at the moment'...Instead of just saying no...
I personally think you should tell her to grow up and manage her own finances the way we all have to.
Your mum is doing her no favours in the long run.....
Good luck op i think you'll need it..