am I being selfish & unreasonable?

jackie_w

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think I should take you all with me when I tell mi sis def no money from me. My mum is def giving me a hard time about this because I will be honest, Dh and I are very comfortable and have savings. I dont struggle at all now, but, I have in the past, and the only reason I dont stuggle now is 1. Ive learned my lesson never to live beyond my means, and 2. DH is self employed and his business is doing great.

Ive had a few sarcastic comments from my mum like "oh is okay for you in your big fancy house", and Dh is getting a new car on Monday, and my mum said " if you can spend that amount on a new car, you can give your sister money to get her car fixed"!!!!!!!!!
The only reason we can afford these things is because DH works his a**e off to ger where he is now.

DH wouldnt be too happy about giving her money, and I have explained this too, but, my mum and sis are telling me just to take the money from my bank and not tell him!!!!! There is no way I would do this!!!!!!

I did give her money just after Christmas as her car needed a new wheel, and it was about £60, then a couple of days after I gave her the money, she got this photo blown up of her daughter which cost her £20!!! I was like "that could have been put towards your car wheel", to which sis replies "well you said you would give me the money". There is just no getting through to her.

Ive sat her down, and went through all her finances, and when she seen a financial advisor, he told her things didnt look good. Either she still has her head in the sand, or shes kidding us all on about how much money she is actually getting. Her ex doesnt pay her any maintenance for their daugher, because, he is paying her share of the joint loans.

I just know, that Im going to end up being the bad one in all this, and i feel that im in a no win situation.

Jackie

beachbeth

jackie_w wrote: »

I did give her money just after Christmas as her car needed a new wheel, and it was about £60, then a couple of days after I gave her the money, she got this photo blown up of her daughter which cost her £20!!! I was like "that could have been put towards your car wheel", to which sis replies "well you said you would give me the money". There is just no getting through to her.

Unbelievable! How do you know she wouldn't do something similar after you've given her money to have her car fixed? I would use this as an example when explaining to them why you won't pay for her car.

Maz

Not unreasonable at all. Why should you just hand over the cash, knowing that you'll never be repaid? Just because you've got the money doesn't mean that you should be guilt-tripped into bailing out your sister. Sounds as if she's trying to maintain a lifestyle she clearly can't afford, at others expense (namely - yours and your Mum's!)

If anything, I'd say that it's your mum and sis who are the unreasonable ones here. Mind you, there are some people who just refuse to take responsibility for their own finances, maybe your sis is one of them. Or, maybe she's so used to getting easy credit, she doesn't see why that shouldn't extend to her family as well! Wonder how the numerous credit cards companies she owes money to would react if she told them she wouldn't be repaying her debts?

margaretclare

I have agreed with everyone on here who has said 'no, you're not being unreasonable - don't do it'. Your sister seems to have a reasonable income but, as is the case with so many people, she hasn't learned how to manage it, and her problem is not income but expenditure. I liked the description of some people as 'empty drums' - I hadn't heard that before, but it's very true.

Most of us have learned that it's necessary to have a 'rainy day fund' and it's there for just those kind of unexpected expenses, the car needing attention, the fridge packing up, the washer breaking down. Anyone who has a car knows that it will need attention from time to time, especially if it doesn't get regular servicing, and money should be put aside for this kind of contingency.

As regards your Mum giving you a hard time, this is hard to cope with because they know just 'which buttons to press', don't they? It's emotional blackmail, and I hope you can resist it. You'll get no thanks even if you do help sister out on this occasion, and then something else will come along, and you'll be seen as a soft touch.

HTH

Yorkshire-Lady_3

Your sister needs to prioritise and a take away and bottle of wine is NOT high on my list! You should not feel bad about not bailing her out with regards to her car. She should be ashamed that your mum is paying out of her own pocket on her behalf.

Be strong!

Sally

speranza

I don't think you're being unreasonable (though perhaps a bit patronizing - and the person who suggested you buy her a copy of The Money Diet is totally out of order), but I'm going to disagree with everyone else and suggest you help her.

Clearly, you have made better choices in life regarding finances - to the point where you can describe yourself as "very comfortable". While you have every right to feel good about that, why would you want to sit on all your savings knowing that your sister is struggling so hard and knowing that you could do something about it? You don't have an obligation to do so, but no one really has an obligation to help anyone - does that mean we shouldn't?

To be honest, this is something that bothers me a lot on these boards. People who've managed to do well for themselves and then think they're above helping anyone who's struggling because, well, why should they? Of course, they try to make it seem like they're only doing what's best for the person (their hardship was self-inflicted, they need to learn, etc.) but there's a nasty sort of moralising under that attitude and I don't like it at all.

You also say that she *needs* her car for work, so what happens if it becomes totally unusable? At a practical level, it makes more sense to get whatever is wrong fixed now rather than later.

It just seems to me that you want to not help so that you can prove a point. Is this really the best occasion to do that?

osagefo

I think I am going to take a slightly different view. I really do not think you are selfish or unreasonable, but you have to be careful as sometimes families can be irrational and may therefore consider you as such.
Your sister has falling on hard times and it will affect her daughter, your niece. Can you imagine the impression you will be creating with your niece if she hears some of what you have said?
You are fortunate that you are in a position to help her, and I will say just help if/when you can, and in the process also give her some advice. She is not a kid anymore so it cannot use tough love.
Your sister has to revise her ways, doing Next, I am afraid, does not make much sense when you are in so much debt, but that together with the wine and takeaways may just be a shield. She needs help, so just do what you can to support her. If by not given her the cash to fix the car, you think she will change, then go ahead. But I rather think not, and the cost to you (as a family) of her not working as a result of the car not being fixed, will be far greater.

Good luck

starbump

If you have money to spend on luxuries then you clearly have money to spend on necessities. OP's sister, who is apparently a homeowner with a £24k p.a. income, needs to learn the difference between a luxury and a necessity. As for cash gifts, gifts should be freely given - not expected and never demanded!!

jackie_w

speranza wrote: »

I don't think you're being unreasonable (though perhaps a bit patronizing - and the person who suggested you buy her a copy of The Money Diet is totally out of order), but I'm going to disagree with everyone else and suggest you help her.

Clearly, you have made better choices in life regarding finances - to the point where you can describe yourself as "very comfortable". While you have every right to feel good about that, why would you want to sit on all your savings knowing that your sister is struggling so hard and knowing that you could do something about it? You don't have an obligation to do so, but no one really has an obligation to help anyone - does that mean we shouldn't?

To be honest, this is something that bothers me a lot on these boards. People who've managed to do well for themselves and then think they're above helping anyone who's struggling because, well, why should they? Of course, they try to make it seem like they're only doing what's best for the person (their hardship was self-inflicted, they need to learn, etc.) but there's a nasty sort of moralising under that attitude and I don't like it at all.

You also say that she *needs* her car for work, so what happens if it becomes totally unusable? At a practical level, it makes more sense to get whatever is wrong fixed now rather than later.

It just seems to me that you want to not help so that you can prove a point. Is this really the best occasion to do that?

Where do I come across as being patronising???? My POINT that I was making was that I have helped her in the past, and I feel that she is NOT helping herself. If you read my posts you will see the reason why I feel that I shouldnt help her. I was asking for outsiders views and I thank you for your comments, they are appreciated. Yes her financial position was self inflicted many people have been there, and there is nothing wrong with asking family for help especially if you are trying to get yourself out of a hole but my point is , I dont feel she is trying because of the lurxuries she is still indulging in.

Maybe I dont want to help to prove a point as youve said, BUT this is because I have helped her in the past and she still isnt learning.

I'll tell you what, why dont you email me your address and telephone number, and I'll tell her to come to you, and you can help her out.

And by the way, the choices ive made in my life regarding my financies now have been because I have been where she has been before, and nearly lost my home because I used to live beyond my means. Ive learned the hard way.

jackie_w

osagefo wrote: »

I think I am going to take a slightly different view. I really do not think you are selfish or unreasonable, but you have to be careful as sometimes families can be irrational and may therefore consider you as such.
Your sister has falling on hard times and it will affect her daughter, your niece. Can you imagine the impression you will be creating with your niece if she hears some of what you have said?
You are fortunate that you are in a position to help her, and I will say just help if/when you can, and in the process also give her some advice. She is not a kid anymore so it cannot use tough love.
Your sister has to revise her ways, doing Next, I am afraid, does not make much sense when you are in so much debt, but that together with the wine and takeaways may just be a shield. She needs help, so just do what you can to support her. If by not given her the cash to fix the car, you think she will change, then go ahead. But I rather think not, and the cost to you (as a family) of her not working as a result of the car not being fixed, will be far greater.

Good luck

Thanks for your reply.

I know she needs help, and Ive tried to help her, but, her thinking that im a quick source of cash I dont think is the answer.

Part of me does want to help her because she is my sister and I love her to bits, but, another part of me, a big part is like no, im not helping anymore.


There is a pool car at her work, and Ive said to her to speak to her boss (after all my sis is the manager), and either ask them for a loan or ask them for a loan of the pool car, and she has said no. Her work have given loans to other people but, she wont ask them!!! Dh thnks she is asking me for the money because she can say to me "I wont be able to give you it back" but, to ask for it from anyone else she will have to pay it back.

I do feel that if I give her the money to get her car fixed it wont end there especially after me giving her money to get a new wheel at Christmas.