am I being selfish & unreasonable?

Gillianh2

I am gobsmacked that she has the cheek to ask for over £400 and when you say yes and you can pay me back at £20 a month she refuses!!!!!!!

I have a suggestion tell your Mum to recommend her to Provident I am sure they will be more than happy to lend her the money at a great!!! rate!!!LOL

Jackie you have done all you can let her get on with it. She has a night out planned well lets hope she enjoys it!!!!!! You've offered help she didnt like the terms so leave it.

As the saying goes "You can take a Horse to water but you cant make it drink it"

jackie_w

Thanks everyone for your replies. I wont reply to everyone individually if you dont mind.

Ive tried to get my sis to come on here, she wont. Ive tried to get her to shop at Lidl, Aldi etc, she wont, says the shops look "manky"!!!!!

My mum doesnt know how "comfortable" I am, she only thinks she know because of where I stay (but I do have a very large mortgage), and because Dh is getting a new car on Monday!!!!!
I dont have any credit/stor cards (learned my lesson there years ago), and because I pay everything by cash, and also because Im going on holiday this year.

Yes it does seem that they think I have a right to help her, but, Im only willing to her if she is willing to help herself, and TBH I dont think she is.

All you people telling me im right doesnt im afraid make me feel any better, I feel like a complete and utter s##t, and i will probably cave in. Going to speak to DH tonight when he gets home.

Jackie

jackie_w

haylibo wrote: »

Jackie-W Sorry, slightly different angle....
Of course you know you are being reasonable but I suspect the title of your post should have been something like 'I know I am reasonable and careful with money, my sister spends like water and is irresponsible AND my mum is taking her side in demanding I pay for my sisters costs!' (bit long:))
The question then is how to get your sister to understand and how to get your mum to see sense but there's a good reason for not posting that one and it's because you can't. I hope it's some consolation that we MSEers largely support your viewpoint but it must be tough that your mum doesn't agree with you not giving your sis the money.
You've been brave to stand up for yourself and sounds like you've done your best in the past. You don't have to justify not giving your sister money as being in her own best interest, you can simply say 'no' because you don't want to do it for the umpteenth time. Your money, your choice. Families can be a mystery...

PS I agree with others on not letting family know how much money you earn/savings you have etc. Keep them out of your beeswax:)

PPS Good idea to put in the offer of a loan. If I was in !!!!!! and someone offered me a bail-out loan I'd be grateful not slamming the 'phone down.
Out of interest, is your sister the youngest?
BW

Yes she is the youngest, Im the eldest.

Jackie

Surfbabe

You have to do whats right for you - but don't cave in as in the long run it will only get worse

haylibo

jackie_w wrote: »

Yes she is the youngest, Im the eldest.

Jackie

I guessed. I've always wanted a nice, older sister, would you adopt? You sound so together and organised.
If you do give the cash this time is it worth telling everyone that it is the very last time just so they know not to expect more when the credit crunch really takes a squeeze and your sister's cards start to bite?
Good luck with it.
Hayles

jen_jen_2

Your family are being unreasonable asking for your money. The offer of a loan is enough, you have saved your money by being sensible, i'd be tempted to book a holiday and say its all gone now!

If your sister asks for money, it comes with strings and gives you the right to pass comment on what she spends her money on. ie hair, clothes, take aways etc. If she is not prepared to stand by those terms then she can't have the money!

Tell her to pay for the car herself (the credit will be more expensive than your offer ) and occassionally buy her some food (from Aldi,Netto) to stock up her cupboard, this will help you ensure she is not suffering and feel that you are assisting her without bailing her out.

You are by no means leaving her in the lurch, she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her own actions. While you continue to bail her out she will continue her behaviour, her OH has realised this and left.

Hope you manage a solution that doesn't make you feel bad

GlasweJen

Please don't cave. You have your niece to think about, what sort of example is a mother who wont prioritise and get her car fixed because she wants a night out? Your sister needs to wise up fast and take responsibility and she wont do that if people keep bailing her out.

Your mum sounds like she's protecting her youngest which is normal and she'll get over it as your sister will eventually get the car fixed or be forced to use the car pool until she can afford the repair.

You and your DH have to look after yourselves and your family, you are not responsible for your sister.

Craftyscholar

jackie_w wrote: »

Ive tried to get her to shop at Lidl, Aldi etc, she wont, says the shops look "manky"!!!!!

I looked slightly surprised when my former line manager (both in good jobs, regular foreign holidays etc) said she shopped at Lidl. Her reply- look at the expensive cars in the car park!

margaretclare

Craftyscholar wrote: »

I looked slightly surprised when my former line manager (both in good jobs, regular foreign holidays etc) said she shopped at Lidl. Her reply - look at the expensive cars in the car park!

A book that's well worth reading is 'The Millionaire Next Door'. American, but the principles are the same. Basically, people who have made their money the hard way, saved, are now well-off, are the most careful with money. In this context, they'd shop at Lidl! They know the value of money, and you can't tell by looking at them, their clothes, their cars etc, that they're very comfortably off. They know what it takes to earn the money and they don't throw it around on useless show, things to make people envy them.

I used to know people who had Provident cheques, and they used to go from one to another i.e. got near to paying one off and they'd start another, and so on, and on...it was always things like 'gotta give the kids a good Christmas', so Christmas - which everyone knows about, happens every year at the same time! - was treated as a crisis requiring a loan to be paid off. And then it was the summer holiday, and back to Christmas again. So they were never out of debt, and then there were the catalogues too, everyone buying from each other on 20 weeks' credit - it was a way of life

ceridwen

jackie

Mine's another vote for the "no - you are definitely NOT being unreasonable". She certainly is - and your mother is totally wrong to try pulling the "guilt card" on you. If one freely chooses to give money to someone who clearly doesnt "need" it (as they are "blowing" money in other directions) then that is up to the giver - but your sister should not be asking and your mother should not be pressurising you.

Keep that purse locked.