Coming clean...how do you do it?

CTT_2

The situation in your eyes may seem bleak but you have £35000 in savings and a house with a lot of equity in it. Stop being a coward and tell your wife and dont keep asking our permission. You know in your heart what you have to do but you are just not brave enough to do it. Perhaps your wife already has some idea but wants you to confirm her suspcions.

DO IT NOW......

BeatrixKiddo

Dear Justindebt,

I am the wife of someone who was in a similar situation. I found out about my Husband's debts about a week before the birth of our first child (not the best timing in the world!). I'll be honest - it was my worst nightmare and very nearly did split us up. I had just left my job to have our child so I had no income and my Husbands income was fairly lowat the time. We had huge outgoings and were renting, so we didn't have the option of selling our house (which seems like a very sensible option, to me). We literally ended up selling everything we had just to buy baby formula for our Daughter.

To people such as Elvis_Bloggs who believe that your wife must be a very selfish person etc. to leave you, cannot possibly comment unless they have actually been in that situation. I, fortunately am reasonably sensible with money and helped him draw up budgets etc. to try and resolve matters. In the end we went to an insolvancy agency which really helped a lot and after about 7 years we are finally straight again!

I won't lie - yes it was a complete nightmare and yes, it very nearly did split us up, but in my personal experience, I had enough love & respect for my Husband that we managed to make it through to the other side and are actually doing quite well now, thank God. If he hadn't of had the guts to sit me down and break the news, I don't know how things would have turned out. At least he took the first step and started the ball rolling. If I had found out accidently I think my life would be very different now.

I think taking her somewhere neutral & quiet, e.g a park etc. and breaking the news is a good idea, and telling her that you will do whatever it takes to sort things out. I'm sure once you start, the gates will open and you will know the right things to say. For me, seeing my Husband in floods of tears begging for forgiveness immediately made me realise how very sorry he really was and how I could not turn my back on him at his lowest time. Sometimes I think once you hit rock bottom, things can only get better.

I really do wish you the best of luck and I sincerely hope things will work out ok for you. If you want to PM me to discuss anything etc. I don't mind at all.

Take care & don't worry - things WILL get better.

delboypass

Just remorgage the house for £60k and use the savings for the rest. still got circa ~£200k equity in the house. What exactly is the problem?? Surely they are also her debts as somewhere in that £100k you must have spent some of it on her? no??

Just release some equity and clear your mind.

tom_and_barbara_good

delboypass wrote:

Surely they are also her debts as somewhere in that £100k you must have spent some of it on her? no??

If you read some of the earlier posts by the OP it would appear that most of the debts were caused by gambling so I don't think that his wife saw much of this money

yonny1

Have you told her? Hows it going? Do let us know!

pet14

Justindebt,

Reading your problem has brought back so many memories and bad feeling for me.

My O/H found out I had spiraling debts a little over a year ago. He found out by finding a letter in my handbag when my mobile phone went off and I wasn't in the house.

When confronted I has the chance to own up to the one debt relating to the letter he found but for some reason I told him everything. I guess I finally admitted I needed help. I was in a very dark place at the time. I had seriously considered, numerous times, ending things so the insurance would pay out but the thought of doing that to my son and my husabnd kept stopping me.

I can't say it was a good time. I didn't know if we would still be together but I finaly realised I made made this situation for myself and would have to ride the wave and see were it took me.

We are still together and stronger than we have ever been in our 13 years of marriage. All my family know what happened (that's another story) and they often comment on how we are around each other now.

I still have my own demons to deal with. I have been to councelling (which I strongly recommend) to try and get my head round things. I don't know if I will every be able to forgive myself for what I have done to the most important person in my life. I wish I had never put him through it but we are a better couple. Nothing is hidden now. We made that a stick rule.

I know you feel you have to do it and are dreading the moment but take courage. I came out the other side. He knew something was wrong he just didn't want to ask as he didn't know what answer he would get. He had never even thought it would involve money.

Ride your wave and if need be shout and I'll ride it with you.

northerngirl_2

When i fond out we were 25k in debt i was more angry at my OH for keeping it a secret,i didn't rant and rave as it was a joint problem(even though he kept the fact that he had 4 cc on the go)but i let him know that i was more hurt over the lies and secretcy than the debt.And yes i did have and still do have sleepless nights,cry and worry(its still in the process of getting sorted).
I think he was glad to get it in the open and put 2 heads together than just 1,so be brave and sit her down and tell her.

southernscouser

Justindebt,

Would be good to hear how things went. I too haven't told my gf about my debts although we don't live together.

I haven't got the courage to tell her yet!

welf_man

Well, sorry to post the downside - but whatever you do, don't let OH find out before you tell them.

My husband has found out - I think he must have applied for a credit reference in my name, so obviously had suspicions - and as expected has said he wants a divorce. It is, he says, because of the deceit although there have been a lot of other problems anyway.

Tell them - how much worse can it be?!

skintchick

welf_man wrote:

Well, sorry to post the downside - but whatever you do, don't let OH find out before you tell them.

My husband has found out - I think he must have applied for a credit reference in my name, so obviously had suspicions - and as expected has said he wants a divorce. It is, he says, because of the deceit although there have been a lot of other problems anyway.

Tell them - how much worse can it be?!

Oh honey, I'm really sorry to hear that :grouphug:

I think Justindebt has disappeared and we are wasting our breath on this thread - he hasn't posted for weeks.