Coming clean...how do you do it?

Jamer

Hey Justindebt!

My other half told me about her (£22k) debt over a meal in a Toby Carvery! Now, while it did put a bit of a dampner on an otherwise pleasant sunday evening, it was the beginning of a whole new chapter in our life.

There were tears, near-arguments, awkward silences etc etc for a couple of weeks, but over time we talked about it, we went through all the options, where the debts were, where they could be moved to, whether to sell the house... and we came up with a flexible plan of action that suited our own medium term finances.

You know what though? I knew there was something wrong - even though she was keeping up with the re-payments and all that, she was still having to find alot of money every month without me knowing.

The moral is that a problem shared is a problem halved. It won't be comfortable but it does work.

James

shellsuit

Justindebt,

Please tell her as soon as possible.

Be honest with her, of course she may rant and rave, I don't know of many women who wouldn't, but as James has said, a problem shared is a problem halved.

If you were my partner, I would be more upset that you kept it from me as a husband and wife are meant to share everything and take the rough with the smooth.

'For better or for worse, for richer for poorer'.....remember those words and let her in on it....you may be suprised by her reaction and once you have come clean you can sit together and work out a way to get out of the mess you are in.

So long as you have a good relationship, you can get through anything....even this, so stop worrying!

Good Luck xxx

Penny-Pincher!!

Hi Justindebt :hello:

I think if i was your wife, I would be more annoyed if you didnt tell me. I could cope with the debt and money problems, but not with the lies and deceit. It will also lighten your load too, then you could relax a little and get the problems sorted together and decide what course of action would be best suited for you both.

You really do need to tell her ASAP. If she receives a call or finds a letter etc-I guarentee she wont be happy..lol.

Good luck

PP
xx

fairylights_2

Justindebt

I was the wife too! I knew something was not right as he wasn't opening the post, and I kept finding envelopes everywhere. He was also not right emotionally with me or the children and I couldn't be sure as to why. So one day (slap my wrists) I opened his post. ALL of it. And I think I was more devastated that he hadn't felt he could tell me about it. Most of our debt was because I stopped work to stay home with the babies and he didn't feel that he could say "work more we need the money" so he shoved it all on the cards and hoped it would go away.

If she finds out by any other way, you will have to explain why you were keeping secrets. And in the bit between her finding out and you explaining she'll wonder whether she actually knows you or not. She - if she's like me - will also wonder where to start, as if you don't tell her she may not realise you're doing something about it.

I like the idea of taking her out to tell her about it BUT 1. can you afford a meal out? and 2. It may seem like you've taken her out so she can't shout at you without embarrassing herself in the process :rotfl:

I'm sure things will be ok, and I'll have my fingers crossed for you both

Gillby1

It's all been said, really. So I'll just add another Good Luck!!!

Let us know how you get on. x

System

My friend was in this position about 10 years ago. She was at home looking after two newborn babies whilst her husband worked, and paid the bills. Its a good job the council house they lived in was in her name as he was in debt up to his ears, he had kept her out of it, hid the letters and dealt with it himself until one day when the bailiff turned up. :rolleyes:

Apple_2

I am Apple's other half and thought it might be worth sharing my experience. I am an alcoholic and thought I had sucessfully hidden that fact. I thought I was in control. I was petrified to admit this to anyone as I was convinced that I would be even more alone than I felt anyway.

Eventually I could not cope with my 'secret' and admitted the problem.

The first thing that amazed me was that my family knew there was something very wrong already. They may not have put the right label on it but they knew something was wrong.

The second thing I learned was that they had stuck with me through my attrocious behaviour and were not about to abandon me when I admitted the problem and tried doing something about it. They were angry at times: they were upset about me not trusting them enough before I finally came clean. They were all sorts of things but they were supportive.

Four years later, life has never been better. I still struggle occasionally trying to put things right but if today is better than yesterday then I count the day as a success. I no longer feel that i have to live a lie.

Maybe I can give you something to hang onto. The biggest thing you have to conquer is your own fears. Things are rarely as bad as we imagine they might be.

I hope you get the courage to be honest with your wife.

loobyloo1980

I agree with what everyone else has said - you have no choice but to tell your wife. My husband knew we had debts, as the biggest single chunk was his, but my smaller ones added up to around the same amount. We brought debts from previous relationships to ours, so it was not reckless spending we had brought on ourselves. I was naive in my previous relationship having things in my sole name that should have been joint (household bills etc) and I got landed with the whole lot on single parent benefits, plus other smaller bits that were perfectly manageable on previous income level.

I sat down with him a couple of months ago and went through what we owe everyone, and he was shocked as he doesn't take interest in that kind of stuff, but it was nice for me to have shared our situation with him. We sat and made joint decisions on how best to tackle our debts and things like that.

I find that him knowing has made it easier to say no to things when we are out. I just say no because we've no budget left and he understands now what that means, whereas before he just thought I was being selfish saying no to him.

A problem shared is a problem halved, and you fortunately have a solution to your debts sat staring you in the face. Tell your wife, discuss selling the house to settle it all, or see if she can think of an alternative way to raise the money to clear the debts. But the first step is definitely being open and honest before you wreck your marriage through lies. Good luck.

roversbabe

Hi Justindebt

I agree with everyone here. You do need to tell her. Keeping a secret from her is worse than the debt you are in.

She may already know that something is wrong.

Good luck

mountainofdebt

I wasn't sure how you arrived at your present situation until I did a search.

Having done that search I realise that you admitting the truth to your wife is going to be hard but you really do need to bite the bullet on this one....otherwise the truth will come out when you least expect or want it to.

However having said that reading your previous post I know that is easier said than done.

I have to say this - and I don't mean to be patronising - but do you have a gambling problem? Whilst gambling seems to be funding your life at the moment I think that it is not helping the situation. Have you ever thought about going to gamblers anon? Perhaps if you went to a few meetings then your wife may be prepared to stand by you.