Coming clean...how do you do it?

Justindebt

Forgive me for having a moan here, because I know my probems can be solved a lot easier than most on here, but I can't go on living the lie that I am living.

Some might remember me from a few months ago posting that I was circa 100K in debt and that my wife know nothing of it.

I was, and still am, fiddling around and paying my way, but I am weary of having to be first to the post every day, and having my heart in my mouth every time my wife asks a question about our finances is starting to take its toll.

I want to come clean.

I need to come clean.

I keep asking myself what is the worst that can happen.

She can leave me, but quite frankly I am so ashamed of the mess I have made of our lives I wouldn't mind not having to look at her beautiful face as she sleeps, unaware of the wolf I have brought to the door.

And the best that can happen?

She will be heartbroken....will rant and rave....she will cry and she will worry.

She won't sleep.

But the upside is that maybe she won't leave me and will look at the practicalities of my predicament and work it through.

And that would be the easy bit.

I done a tot of our savings today and we have around £35,000 in cash.

Our house has a 58K mortgage but it would fetch in the region of £300,000 is we sold it.

For me, the road is forked.

One fork leads to further misery for both of us....me alone and broke, her comfortable enough (she has a good job) but alone and unwell (she suffers from MS).

But the other fork leads to happieness and the ordinariness I so crave.

Sell the house....pay the debts....buy a cheaper house.

I was wondering how others here broke the news to their other half.....or how they reacted when the other half broke the news to them.

Thanx for listening.


Insert From Martin

This is a fascinating and very brave post. Like the replies i have read below, I wish you the best of luck and the courage you need to face this.

In general terms for those reading, I think when you are about to tell your partner, it is best, like Justindebt to hava a plan about how to stop the overspending and how to deal with the problems. So that when you present the problem hand in hand is a solution.

If i can urge those in similar circumstances to read through my where to start with problem debts guide.

Pay special attention if you are in debt crisis to where to get the free help and make an appointment with one of the free debt counsellors. You may choose to do this alone and then tell your partner, or tell them and have the appointment ready so you go through the whole process.

The most important thing to do is take action. Debts spiral and continue to get worse unless they're dealt with. Time will not heal it, you must heal it yourself by facing the debts and the underlying problem. It won't be easy but you will feel better in the long run. There are many beautiful moving posts in this Debt-free wannabee forum alone from people who have started to deal with their problem or have solved them, and now talk about how they sleep at night.

best wishes, martin

elvis_bloggs

I don't want to sound harsh but if your wife would leave you because of money problems then she must be a very shallow person and must not love you, tell her everything and take it from there.

lush_walrus

I really feel for you, BUT you have to come clean, for yourself, your wife and your relationship. Keeping it from her is ultimately disolving any trust you have in each other, your trust in her to be able to love you beyond the debt and if she finds out before you tell her then her trust in anything you say or do. Give her the chance to choose how to react, you seem to have missed the point that by telling her she may well help you get through it all.

I don't want to be harsh, but don't pre empt your wifes reactions, find out what they will really be and tell her.

I personally havent been in debt, but when I met my BF he had lots of little debts. By the time we were in a relationship, he told me about them all and rather than be put off in any way shape or form I spent 2 years finding ways for him to budget, reduce the amount of interest he was paying, and now he is completely clear of any debt and not to blow my own trumpet, but I helped him with all of that. The point I am trying to make is that if you share the pressure of the debt and tell your wife, then you may well find the problem is halved and she may be able to help you reseach into ways to reduce it where you can and adjust your budget. A debt of £100,000 is not going to just disappear, and you seem to have a very obvious way of getting rid of it completely by downsizing your house. Your wife may well straight away suggest thats what you should both do, and then in a years time you will have moved into a new house and completely free of this stress.

Surely in a marriage everything is shared, including debts so its not just your issue really. Especially as presumably the house is shared between you both. I completely share financial matters with my BF and we help each other along, as that is the ultimate of trust in my eyes

Please please please just tell her.

Dumbledore55

I can imagine how difficult it would be for you to tell her but she deserves to know the truth and I'm sure she'll work with you to clear the debts and prevent you getting in that mess again.

Take heart from other threads on here where partners have helped sort the situation out.

You are only going to make yourself ill bottling up the problems and I'm sure she suspects something is bothering you.

Good luck and keep posting if you need support.

DD

Apple_2

Justindebt

My O/H told me about his debts in May just gone - about 40K.

This may seem weird, but I was relieved, I knew something was wrong ( he was non-communicative and depressed ) but knowing was much better.

To be brutally honest, I may have reacted differently if his debt had been as high as yours and it involved selling the home. I hope not but don't know. In our situation I believed we could dig him out, if we followed a plan - we have yet to see if it works!. What I'm trying to say is I didn't feel hopeless about it. I also seem to remember from your previous post, that this isn't the first time this has happened. It is the first time with my partner. Maybe a second time I'd react differently.

He was absolutely sick with guilt and worry before he told me. There's still worry ( for both of us ) but we're dealing with it together. 'Secrets' are killers.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

Midas

There's no easy way, but just tell her, straight up.

You know you have to do it, so just do it. Things will start to get easier from then on in.

Rikki

She may already know something is wrong. (not what)

A problem shared is easier to deal with and she may have more ideas and ways to save money. Women are very practical.

Good Luck. :grouphug:

ashmit

elvis_bloggs wrote:

I don't want to sound harsh but if your wife would leave you because of money problems then she must be a very shallow person and must not love you, tell her everything and take it from there.

elvis_bloggs, if I was in the wife's situation and left, it would be because my husband had kept it secret, not because of the money per se.

justindebt - tell her. secrets are bad for relationships. I suppose my point to Elvis_bloggs above points that out. Don't second guess what she may or may not say without giving her a chance to know the truth.

What everyone else said, especially lush walrus.

And good luck. I'll be wishing you well with telling her.

kazzaj

Hiya
OMG - how I sympathise. I have been there - having to get up early and sneak to the post to hide any letters i dont want my OH to see, switching the phone off so the creditors dont call, its a horrible situation to find yourself in.
My OH found out about our debt problems when he found a letter I had hidden in my bag while he was after some change from my purse. We had a particularly difficult weekend, and I was not sure what would happen relationship wise. We were about £25K in debt, but my husband actually told me that it wasnt the debt that bothered him, but the deceipt - my keeping it from him and not being able to tell him about what, ultimately, was a joint problem.
We worked it through and remortgaged as we too had equity in the property. I have just paid off all our CC debts and loans and in most cases have settled for thousands less than the oustanding balances.
Tell her, or leave some evidence that she will find, the sooner its out in the open the better you will feel.
Good luck
xxx

Ember999

Keeping secrets is what makes wives walk out. Not debt or other solveable problems, it's the deceit, the lies, the lack of trust finding out a lie causes, that's what damages marriages and make a woman walk. Tell her! She's your wife, she will help you sort it. If you hide it, she will find out and you will probably end up losing everything, her, your house and still remain in debt and be made bankrupt.

Hope it all works out,

Ember xx

tattooed_lady

justindebt

As a wife myself I would definately want to know, however bad the amount is. Please tell her, it will make you ill if you don't. _pale_