Coming clean...how do you do it?

Squiffy

Justindebt wrote:

Three weeks after she comes back from Spain we are off to Portugal.

And that is why you need to tell her.

With £100K of debt, no matter how cheap the holiday you cannot afford it.

If she doesn't know, she will keep on spending.

I was in a similar situation to you. Debts of £70k+, and my wife knew nothing about them. So one morning, I just told her that I had something to say. I just blurted it out.

It is the best thing I've ever done. We are both pulling together to sort out the debts, and we've made incredible progress in the last couple of months. Our food bills are massively reduced as we plan properly, we go to the cinema on bargain Tuesday, we budget properly for eating out and other entertainment, etc, None of that would be possible if she wasn't fully committed to tackling our debts.

Good luck. I understand it isn't easy, but it is something that you have to do.

mountainofdebt

I totally agree with you with regards the timing of justindebt telling his wife.

Lets face facts if my hubby told me we were £100K in debt then I couldn't go away on holiday and relax.....the worry would be swirling around in my head all the time and as for spending money - there would be so many arguements over every penny spent then it would be pointless in us having gone away.

Justindebt you really have to tell her now........at least she can have time away from the situation, on her own to come to terms with it. No doubt she'll have a list of questions as long as her arm when she comes back but at least by then you both can talk rationally about it without arguing and hopefully tears.

If you don't feel brave enough to tell her then leave a couple of the statements out - I'm sure that will prompt questions.

Justindebt

Look, for the last time I am not telling her until she comes back from Spain.

I only posted this thread in order to hear a few opinions about how the heck I tell her.....not when.

And it doesn't matter how much she spends on holiday....she earns a lot of money and spending a couple of hundred quid on holiday won't make a blind bit of difference to the debt I have.

Having decided to tell her, I now feel a serenity, now it is a matter of rehearsing what I say and picking a suitable moment.

But that moment will be in a few weeks fron now, after she returns from Spain.

Then I will take the Squiffy route.

Little_Miss_Winner

Try...................Mrs Justin, I am £100k in debt ................?

Justindebt

Yeah.....I guess that is about the only way I can say it....

Little_Miss_Winner

SLAP!...............BANG!..............WOLLOP!...................

(only joking) - You need to have guts, draw a deep breath and get on with it!

Decide a date/time. And just tell her.

You will feel a lot better............................and will probably wish you had done it sooner.

look at your diary/calendar, and if you wait for the bit in between her coming off holiday, and you both going away. Then circle that date, and do it!!!! :T

(ps - let us all know when the date is though!)......................oooh I am so nosy!

best wishes
pot

Justindebt

Thank you, Pot.....

hilstep2000

Hi Justindebt
I agree with you, let her have her holiday, what will it achieve if you told her now, only a miserable holiday for her. BUT you must make a date to tell her, and stick to it.
Good Luck!

lush_walrus

Personally I could never ever plan to say anything of real importance, I would most definately bottle out of it at the time I wanted to say it and end up blurting it out at the least appropriate moment! But thats just me, you know if you can plan something like this or not.

In the ideal world I think I would first start by the obvious 'there is something I need to tell you' bit. Then simply state that I havent been straight with you about money, but Ive been really worried about lettting you down/giving you stress and was hoping that this was something I could sort out myself, but now its started to sink in that it isnt something I can sort out myself or feel that I should keep to myself. And Im really sorry for not telling you sooner. Then I would simply say that I have accumulated debt, then let that bit sink in and discuss how it happened etc (trying to be as honest as possible).

Then once that bit is out and discussed, your wife will of course want to know how much, then you will just need to tell her. But try to perhaps get her used to the idea of you having a debt first before dropping out how much it is, as not to scare you but £100,000 sounds huge, where as the idea of debt doesnt sound as bad and may give her a few minutes to get that idea in her head before moving onto the details.

If you can try to be armed with a plan of how you will start paying it back, basically to let her know that you havent just been building the debt up without a second thought and that you are trying and serious about getting out of it. And just try to express as much as you can how much you regret doing this to her, emphasis on her rather than you if you see what I mean.

Good luck Justin, if you dont manage to get it out the first time (whenever you feel that should be) then dont back out completely just get it done as soon as poss after that.

crystal_clear

Justin
Hi again hun !! glad to see you are rethinking regarding the IVA option and hopefully not considering bankruptcy.
How did you get on with the advice you were seeking from CCCS or CAB ?
Also one other thing springs to mind The equity in the home and the savings you have 35k savings and 242k plus in the house as equity?
Would the best option not be to use the savings then take out 65k as a second mortgage on the home this way the home is safe from creditors/bankruptcy the debt has been reduced initially by the 35k and you have the second mortgage costing less in interest than your current debt.
Again its only a suggestion but i would look in to the DMP just I get the impression that you will still get the ccj's with such large amounts of debts and then possibly one or two of your creditor trying to place charging orders on the property. And the DMP will damage your credit rating so future house moves may be a little difficult if you need more funds.
Just more ideas for you to bounce around your head. again this is your call but if i had the choices i know which way i would go with it.
Good luck and let us know any future developments