Coming clean...how do you do it?

Justindebt

Hi, Crystal.....yes, in a perfect world that would be the preferred soloution.

Everything hinges, of course, on how Mrs. J reacts.

The other major option would be just to sell up and downsize.

I don't think bankruptcy is an option for me because as far as I am aware I would have to wait six years after signing the house over to the wife.....if I went bankrupt now they would insist I sell my half of the house, as far as I know.

The CCCS people are calling me on Tuesday.

I'll let you all know what they say.

What is a DMP?

Tony_H_3

It seem's logical to me that if you have sufficient assests to clear your debt and earn substancial wages then down sizing is the way to go. After you have told your wife and if you are both agreeable you should place a time limit on how long you will sit in the down sized property and concentrate on replenishing your savings.

During this period of time you can learn to control your spending & budgeting and with anyluck this will be the time when the housing market crashes meaning you will have a substancial sum to reinvest in a dream property. If you downsize enough this will limit your loss on this property.

You've had more than enough advise on the best way to tell your wife so I wont add to that.

HTH

mountainofdebt

I think, on reflection, that you will need to approach coming clean like an interview.

Think of all the questions that your wife is going to ask....how much (she'll want exact figures not a guess), who the loans are with, how it got built up, over what period of time etc.

Get all the paperwork together so she can see for her self the situation.

swebber

Hiya,

I've read through this thread and noticed that nobody has mentioned the idea of writing a letter. I don't mean post it or just leave it for her, but sometimes no matter how much we want to say the words, we just can't.

With a letter, you can sit down and try as many times as you want, until it says everything you want it to. Telling her you are worried about her reaction, say your sorry and that you love her.

When she comes back, sit down with you and give her the letter, ask her to read the whole thing through before she says anything, even make her promise to try to before she reacts.

I've always found this route extremely successful for achieving complete honesty and to get things across to someone completely.

Good luck hun, hope it works out ok.

ashmit

Justindebt - have you spoken to your wife yet? How did it go?

lee3276

When you tell her Justindebt take her for a walk do it on netural ground.

westernpromise

elvis_bloggs wrote:

I don't want to sound harsh but if your wife would leave you because of money problems then she must be a very shallow person and must not love you, tell her everything and take it from there.

If she left because the OP has been deceiving her then the issue is the deception, not the money per se.

foxcub_2

Justindebt, before you tell your wife about your debt, you must be absolutely resolute to changing your spending ways. You can never allow this to happen again. Whatever it is that tempts you into spending you must conquer, otherwise involving your wife with a problem you alone have created will be a purely selfish act.
I say this as I know of couples who have surmounted debt problems that one partner has accrued, and even when those debts have been paid off, either by remortgaging or savings or both, the frivolous spending that has created the situation in the first place has continued. To the partner who has not accrued the debt, this is the biggest kick in the teeth, not the actual finding out in the first place, as usually they already have an idea of what is going on, but not the extent of it.
Also, I do not advise you to go away for the night after telling her, have the decency to face it out as long as it takes, if you still want a marriage.
So, all that leaves is to wish you good luck, not just in telling your wife, but in remaining married and recovering from a very diificult situation.

Scooterman

Don't understand why you have £35k in cash - shouldn't this have been used to reduce the most expensive borrowing?
How did you accumulate the debts - did your wife benefit from your spending?
What has your wife been doing with her salary?

Of course eventually your wife will get to know, possibly at a time and in a manner that you never envisaged, but it will be for the best in the long term.

If you have overspent misguidely but genuinely believing it was for your joint benefit she should understand and after the initial outrage and hysterics she should help you find a solution that involves keeping the house (if it means a lot to you both).

If you've boozed and gambled and womanised the dosh away well I guess you might not expect any support.

coolhandluke1551

Hi Justindebt. my heart goes out to you! I've been there, and it was my fiancee at the time who got me out of it. But the hardest part was telling her. I was a jack the lad, spent money like water (I'm sure you're not!) and thought the bills would sort themselves out. She helped negotiate a loan, using HER house as collaterl, and made me stick to a budget. 6 years later, 4 happliy married, i dont owe anybody anythng. But you HAVE to tell her!

God bless and i wish you well

Cool hand Luke