Whiffy In-Law

miserly_mum

Mademoiselle i've worked with people like that too, its awful. One guy in particular who was so bad I actually felt nauseus working beside him.Yet his wife, kids and his home were clean and immaculate.

Everyone make excuses for SIL, which bugs me. Theres no excuse for being dirty. Even the cheap value toiletries will do the job.

If i'm honest everything about her disgusts me. Not just how she smells her whole way of life.

I'm nice to her to keep things sweet with OH and his family. She rents a lovely house which she has turned into a midden.

We buy her nice clothes for Xmas and birthdays as do the rest of the family and she still looks like a bag lady. We bought her a mini hi fi for xmas as her other one was broken. It's still in the box and will stay there until OH goes and takes it out and plugs it in.

She lived in her current house for over 6 months with no light bulbs anywhere until OH noticed. She had the bulbs in the cupboard the whole time just couldn't be arsed putting them in.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR this is a 37 year old woman

MKwife

She sounds a bit depressed....?

louise540056

MKwife wrote: »

She sounds a bit depressed....?

I agree- it does sound like depression! That doesn't help you with the impending visit though - and I really feel for you- what an awkward situation!! :eek:

DKLS

You have my empathy, I have a very sensitive nose, and have one of my employees who smells like he died 6 months ago, being, subtle, blunt, giving him a pack of Lynx for secret santa, and giving him the hard word, hasnt made any difference.

I simply wouldnt invite her, especially is she is going to contaminate your car and house with her foul odours.

paddy's_mum

Like Mademoiselle, I too have had some experience of a person like this. The behaviour is quite deliberate and in my view, often based on sheer laziness. No amount of subtle hints or gifts of toiletries will make any difference since the person chooses to inflict this on those around them. I have also found that a dirty body is usually teamed with an equally unclean mind and a wallow-in-filth lifestyle.

Nothing we tried worked until my hubby told his relative in no uncertain terms that he was not to come here unless he had bathed and washed his (long!) hair. It was a difficult conversation to have but it did achieve a better level of 'pong'-ness that we could just about tolerate.

I think that in view of the fact that the whole family have tried to achieve a change in her hygiene, as well as an employer saying the same, you would/should be saying now that she does not come to visit unless she is bodily clean. Such an announcement will hardly come as a shock to her or to other members of the family.

I'm particularly sensitive to sour, rotten body odour (like my mother, can spot it from 500 yards away!) and find it grossly offensive. There is no way that sister in law would get inside my house, hubby's relative or not! Good luck.

miserly_mum

louise540056 wrote: »

I agree- it does sound like depression! That doesn't help you with the impending visit though - and I really feel for you- what an awkward situation!! :eek:

Yes SIL is depressed but it's due to her being lonely and having no partner/friends.

To a degree OH and I have sympathy with her but also believe in a lot of ways its her own fault. She'll come home from work throw herself down on the sofa to watch TV and fall asleep later with her work clothes on and go straight out to work the next morning without changing.

She rarely gets invited out with the girls from work. Not because thay don't like her, but because even on a night out she makes no effort with her hygiene or her appearance. Also when she does go out she gets really drunk (only takes 4 or 5 drinks) and has to be sent home in a taxi really early on in the night Likewise they don't like having her round to their houses for girly nights in for the same reason.

She has never had a boyfriend/relationship. I know she would like her life to be different but makes no effort to change it. Sitting in everynight on your own watching DVDs is not a life its an existance. Even her doctors told her a social life would be more use to her than anti depressants.

Bogof_Babe

It sounds to me like she might have borderline "learning difficulties". Clearly there is a fitting-in-with-normal-society gene missing. You say she has seen a doctor - I think it is time she saw one again, or a practice nurse. I'm almost inclined to suggest you contact social services, as her life sounds like one that is verging on abnormal behaviour.

As for what you can do, I think I would write her a letter saying "I'm sorry to have to be up front with you, but hints don't seem to work. The situation is basically that until you get yourself sorted out I cannot invite you to visit as your strong body odour upsets me and my son". You could go on to say "I understand you are aware of your hygiene issues, and the solution is obvious - if you are unable to afford hot water for bathing or detergent for laundering your clothes, you must let us know so that we can look into sources of support for you".

I think you would be doing this lady a huge favour, not to mention the people she works with. I would also tell your m-i-l what you are doing, and make sure your husband is okay with it, although I can't imagine that he wouldn't want the problem resolved.

miserly_mum

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

It sounds to me like she might have borderline "learning difficulties". Clearly there is a fitting-in-with-normal-society gene missing. You say she has seen a doctor - I think it is time she saw one again, or a practice nurse. I'm almost inclined to suggest you contact social services, as her life sounds like one that is verging on abnormal behaviour.

As for what you can do, I think I would write her a letter saying "I'm sorry to have to be up front with you, but hints don't seem to work. The situation is basically that until you get yourself sorted out I cannot invite you to visit as your strong body odour upsets me and my son". You could go on to say "I understand you are aware of your hygiene issues, and the solution is obvious - if you are unable to afford hot water for bathing or detergent for laundering your clothes, you must let us know so that we can look into sources of support for you".

I think you would be doing this lady a huge favour, not to mention the people she works with. I would also tell your m-i-l what you are doing, and make sure your husband is okay with it, although I can't imagine that he wouldn't want the problem resolved.

I understand exactly what you are saying, but SIL does not have learning difficulties and was in a normal class the whole way through school. She has lived on her own and worked to support herself since she was 17

She has worked her way up in her job and they have more or less allowed her to get away with the hygiene issue because she is so bloody good at her job

Her Doctor prescribes mild anti depressants but keeps telling her she needs to change her lifestyle ie getting out more, socialising etc. All of which would be possible if she would start washing.

She is a likable person and has many good qualities, but they are all over shadowed by her lack of hygiene.

I suppose i'm a bit soft and just think its such a waste of a life. I know she would love to have a partner and children and is very fond of our son. But doesn't seem to equate not being able to find a partner with the fact that she smells and hasn't brushed her teeth in years.

mamamia

What is your husband doing about the problems. If you really want to help your SIL, you have to be blunt about it. When she is at your place, fill the bath for her and tell her it is time for her wash as you would tell a child. I know she is an adult, but she needs help. Get her a new toothbrush and remind her to brush her teeth at least twice daily. Be honest with her and let her know that you really care. She needs help badly before her condition gets out of hand.

miserly_mum

mamamia wrote: »

What is your husband doing about the problems. If you really want to help your SIL, you have to be blunt about it. When she is at your place, fill the bath for her and tell her it is time for her wash as you would tell a child. I know she is an adult, but she needs help. Get her a new toothbrush and remind her to brush her teeth at least twice daily. Be honest with her and let her know that you really care. She needs help badly before her condition gets out of hand.

At the end of the day OH is her brother not her father and even if he was at 37 its not like you can give her a clip round the ear and make her wash. He has been very blunt over the years about her hygiene and her answer is always the same.........but I had a bath yesterday.

When you pour her a bath she'll go into the bathroom but not actually get in, just damp her hair to make it look the part. (I listened at the door)

Short of OH holding her down while I strip her and dump her in i'm not sure what else we can do. She's 37 not 7.

She does know we care, OH is very fond of her as she is older than him and was very good to him when he was a child. He rings her regularly and when she had an operation last year we visited her every evening and helped her out financially until she got back to work.

She has plenty of toiletries, many of which we and the family buy her as pressies. They just don't get used.

I used to wonder if it was a phobia she had of actual baths or being in water? But there are ways to keep yourself clean other than bathing , even a good wash down would be acceptble if it was done regularly.