Not sure what to think ? My Teen DD?!

vwcampervan72

Steel wrote: »

Nice one. Try thinking back to what you felt like at that age and help her. Not batter her senseless with threats. Or invade her privacy and show her you clearly don't trust her. Or she's going to go to great lengths to keep her business from you and sneak off to public places to make out with BF or skive off school during free periods to his house.

How do I know? Because my father was like you and I used to do the same. He had no respect for my privacy and would burst into my room when friends or boyfriends were there and bustle around doing things that clearly were not important just to find out what was going on. He had no interest in my feelings or listening to my idea or thoughts and was intent on imposing his will on me, just the way you're doing with your daughter. He told me if any boy so much as looked at me before the age of 16 he's break their spines.

I spent most of my teenage years from the age of 14 lying to him so I could enjoy a life of my own. Don't be surprised if your daughter does the same. She a human being with thoughts, feelings and confusions like everyone else, but she feels emotions more keenly because of her age and because all of this is new to her. And unfortunately she has a mother she can't share it with because you'll over react and have her boyfriends dragged off to prison.

Steel I didnt come across on my 1st post as id of liked, i really get on with my daughter, people are amazed at how well we get on, since both of my girls have been little ive loved getting on their wave length and enjoying things they do

She knows i wouldnt have her BF sentenced and she knew that comment was made in jest with a hint of seriousness to it, theyve been together for 8 months been friends for over 3 years, hes like part of the family stays for tea etc, im very good friends with his parents theyre in the same year at school and shes two months older than him.

I dont burst into either of my childrens rooms, i knock and wait but dont wait too long lol

I know my children have feelings etc and i fully respect them as theyre human beings everyone deserves respect whatever age they are, i can also trust my daughter when she goes to school and she phones or txts me if shes going anywhere, she knows the boundries ie what she can cross and not cross : im always telling her i remember having convos like this with my mom and we can laugh about that so can my mom with me and DD

This is why i dont comment on forums very often because i find it hard to get my message across

sticher

Spendless that does sound extreme and stifling, lol.

Do you think the parents attitudes have helped to prevent their daughter from having a s3xual relationship earlier though or not?

I suppose what I am thinking is that I see teenagers the same age as my son (14) allowed out on the streets (and from a much younger age) to 'hang around' and do just as they like (smoke, cause trouble, have sex, etc) and the parents say there is nothing they can do as they are 'teenagers', and they (parents) can't stop them. My son and his close group of friends go to places (cinema, etc) but are usually (not always) ferried in the car (their choice) - they don't usually just 'hang out' and I presume this is because us parents discouraged this when they were younger due to the roads, etc. I do not feel I over-parent my sons, but at the same time, I do let them know we have boundaries.

piratess

vwcampervan i have the same problem with explaining into words what i have in my head lol ...

Sami Bee! .. my DD does know roughly what happened regarding me running away from home she knows how much i hurt my parents and she knows i regret doing it in the way that i did and also how hard it was to get away from the situation! My father refused to speak to me for 2 yrs and it was all horribly heartbreaking as i was really close to him, Thankfully i am again, BUT when hes had a few to drink he always says things like
"you broke my heart you did" and dads mate says i was a right rebel! ... i SO wish i could turn the clock back but we cant so i want to make sure i have an open relationship with my DD so she CAN talk to me about anything ...

Its so difficult being a parent and finding a balance but i think we all try and do the best we can.

Badger_Lady

As we've started mentioning teenage pregnancies, I should add that there are two people in my circle of friends who accidentally became pregnant long before they were ready (and whilst living with their parents).

Both of them are lovely girls, who in my opinion were "babied" - their parents were very protective (in a loving, caring way), and the girls never really had their own privacy - they were kept as children. They also never really rebelled, meaning that the "babying" continued throughout their teenage years.

They also clearly never learned to take their own responsibility so, as soon as they became sexually active at 16, they did so with no real concern for the consequences.

They each have a gorgeous little boy now, but the fathers ran off long ago and it's the grandparents who have to provide them with lodgings etc... not to mention the fact that the Mothers have had to drop out of education.

Maybe this would have happened to them anyway, but it seems coincidental to me that the teenagers who were allowed their own independence appropriately took more precautions against getting into trouble.

Rebellion is a natural part of a human being's psychological development into adulthood and something that you have to allow to happen, otherwise your children will always remain exactly that. So you can take a step back and trust them, or you can interfere and battle your way painfully through it.

haylibo

I should add that there are two people in my circle of friends who accidentally became pregnant long before they were ready (and whilst living with their parents).

Both of them are lovely girls, who in my opinion were "babied"

I'm sorry badgerlady, that may be your experience but that's not what the statistics are showing with regard to teen pregancy or the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. It's generally not 'over protected' children.

I'm not suggesting that this is what you intended to imply but I would just like to add that 16 is the minimum age you can legally give consent, it isn't compulsary nor does everyone choose to have sex at this age.

it seems coincidental to me that the teenagers who were allowed their own independence appropriately took more precautions against getting into trouble yes it is just that, a coincidence. It isn't about independence and I don't want to go into a huge rant about the demographics of who gets pregnant early or why but there are different kinds of independence and I feel really strongly that as a culture we sexualise our kids more readily than do other countries but we lack focus in other areas of their lives. Teenage sex is much more of a focus here than it is say on the continent and it is quite sad IMVHO.

Badger_Lady

Have you got a copy of those stats? I'd genuinely be fascinated - sounds like it could give some accurate guidance on how to raise your children!

Spendless

sticher wrote: »

Spendless that does sound extreme and stifling, lol.

Do you think the parents attitudes have helped to prevent their daughter from having a s3xual relationship earlier though or not?

I've done this answer a couple of times. I suppose it depends in what way you mean. Being very babyish for their years a few years back has meant that whilst the rest of persons peers were into boyfriends and girlfriends, the opposite sex wasn't interested- so in that way yes.

If you are saying if a boyfriend had come along, would it have stopped them doing anything. I don't believe so. I think they'd have just kept quiet.

macaroni

piratess wrote: »

vwcampervan i have the same problem with explaining into words what i have in my head lol ...

Sami Bee! .. my DD does know roughly what happened regarding me running away from home she knows how much i hurt my parents and she knows i regret doing it in the way that i did and also how hard it was to get away from the situation! My father refused to speak to me for 2 yrs and it was all horribly heartbreaking as i was really close to him, Thankfully i am again, BUT when hes had a few to drink he always says things like
"you broke my heart you did" and dads mate says i was a right rebel! ... i SO wish i could turn the clock back but we cant so i want to make sure i have an open relationship with my DD so she CAN talk to me about anything ...

Its so difficult being a parent and finding a balance but i think we all try and do the best we can.

From what youve said you should be extremely proud of yourself and I hope I am even half of the mum that you are !!

I worry about my 12yo DD, I can remember what I got upto at that age -boobs and more - and I wasnt even tempted to have sex until 15 1/2 !!

Mobiles are kept downstairs overnight, but on the odd occasion this doesnt happen ( like this weekend) something usually happens, generally them going flat:mad: or like this time, a friend, also 12, ringing at 11.30pm :eek: . Thankfully my DD just rejected the call after it had woke her up, and wasnt happy about her sleep being disturbed LOL

I also regularly check both DD and DS phones and MSN !!

Jayne_Carrentals

Wow, just read this entire thread.
I am 21 myself so can slearly remember being a teenager. I had a wide variety of friends at high school some of which were allowed to do as they pleased, others 1 friend in particular, had very strict parents. Thi particular friends parents had strong religous beliefs, she was not allowed out with certain kids from school as they were seen as bad influences. As i moved away from the area with my parents agaed 16 i lost touch with her but several years later on a visit 2 my hometown to visit family i bumped into her and she hadnt changed at all, i felt she hadnt been able to develop her own personality and unfortunately making mistakes is all part of growing up and its how most teenagaers learn, i know its the way i did. And i would not say that i was rebellious i just knew my own mind and had the confidence to make this clear to boys and friends that tried to encourage me to smoke, do drugs etc. And in the end they respected my opinion. And for the record not every1 who has sex under the age of 16 is a "sl&g" or is stupid. Like i said before its all part of growing and will happen at some point in time.
To OP sounds like u hav a great relationship with your daughter and she sound like really great girl who u should be rightly proud of, well done so far.
Parenting does not sound easy. lol

sticher

I've done this answer a couple of times. I suppose it depends in what way you mean. Being very babyish for their years a few years back has meant that whilst the rest of persons peers were into boyfriends and girlfriends, the opposite sex wasn't interested- so in that way yes.

I have to say that I think this is good. I am all for preserving a child's innocence for as long as possible and if it does stop teenage pregnancies, then maybe this is the the way to go?

If you are saying if a boyfriend had come along, would it have stopped them doing anything. I don't believe so. I think they'd have just kept quiet.

I agree - this is what happened to me - but I was 17 by then, lol and old enough to have a more sensible approach I think.