boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

brownbabygirl

BallandChain wrote: »

I've read a lot of posts by MargaretClare and she always comes across as sensible and level headed. I could do with someone like you MargaretClare to give me a really good shake when I need it!

MC you are a wonderful lady and I wished I knew you personally.

OP, LISTEN to her:j

margaretclare

BallandChain wrote: »

I've read a lot of posts by MargaretClare and she always comes across as sensible and level headed. I could do with someone like you MargaretClare to give me a really good shake when I need it!

Thank you, and thanks to brownbabygirl too.

I have often been criticised on these boards for being 'rude' or 'cruel'. I am afraid there are times when things just have to be said. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and it doesn't seem to me that I deal with personal relationships very well as far as some family members are concerned, so I'm not exactly perfect. It's just that when you've been around a long time and haven't exactly lived a sheltered life, you tend to have met a lot of people and heard of a lot of different family and relationship situations.

Caroleann, don't think I don't sympathise. My heart bleeds for you, it really does. This bloke likes having two women on a string, hanging on his every word. He has now given you a way out. Please don't phone any more, don't write, don't text, don't send a message by carrier-pigeon, don't do anything except just concentrate on your own life! It will take time, but honestly, it will get easier. There'll always be a scar and sometimes you may be tempted to think 'what if' or 'if only'. We all do that, but leave it as it is, don't go back to it, don't, as I said before, be tempted to try to reopen an old wound by poking it to see if it still hurts.

Re the pension, that was always irrelevant - it's a pretext, it's not the real issue.

With best wishes

CB1979_2

it's all about the money, just shows he's more worried about his pennies than a "bit on the side"

larmy16

Margaret Clare speaks with great wisdom! I am in a relationship right now and it is not easy because there are so many emotions connected with it.

Sometimes I look back on my years of singledom as pure luxury. The only time I ever felt worried or upset was a) money or b) something went wrong with the car, things like that!!!

Rarely was I lonely. I loved that sense of the brain being yours and yours alone, not worrying about what the other person really wants, thinks etc. etc.

Craftyscholar

k1mmie wrote: »

I too have not posted here on this thread, but have followed your plight. I would like to confirm what many readers as well as yourself have stated, that SEPERATED does not mean SEPERATED.

My husband told me after 20 years he was unhappy but loved me. He was going through many upsets in his life with job and his mother ill etc. Anyhow did not leave the family house (or my bed) for one night. Yet found out he had started talking on the internet with someone and met them and told her he was seperated for 6 months. I tracked her down and told her the truth. She was absolutely gobsmacked and realised how dangerous this situation could have become. So word to the wise for all you reading, please be cautious.

Was talking to a friend yesterday. Her OH has moved in with his 'new lady' except she is his THIRD new lady! The second one she has since met and heard the story. She was divorced many years ago, had raised her children on her own and now thought she had found her future partner. He told her he was separated and she took him to meet her parents, they were looking at houses and only when she said they needed to find out about mortgages did he tell her the truth. He didn't even finish with her properly, she saw his car in a pub car park went in and found him with number three!!

Maz

Women rock!

AMILLIONDOLLARS

caroleann wrote: »

Thank you Margretclare,
Wish I could be as strong as you are all telling me to be, I cant, I have rang him, texd him and e mailed him and he has ignored them all, I feel stupid now and wish I had'nt, but its done now, I even told him I would have him back without him getting a divorce, thats how desperate i feel and how much I love him. Nothing has worked and he's being very cruel by ignoring me, he knows I'm devastated, cant eat or sleep or concentrate at work, dont think he cares, I have stopped now though.

probably too busy making it up with the wife!! She's probably said no contact with you and he has probably agreed!!!! He's going back to the status quo, if you can face this head-on you'll probably feel a lot better and move on.

Good luck for the future and there will be one. As I always say every disappointment is for a good you wait and see

All the best
AMD

Errata

Carolanne, I'm so sorry you've been upset so badly again by this louse.
He's treated you like dirt and if you think about it, he's also treated his wife and kids like dirt. He may say he won't divorce her, but that dosn't mean she won't divorce him ! She hasn't, as far as you know, been crawling on her knees begging him to go back to her.
My crystal ball tells me he'll be back in the marital home and helping to get everything ready for the big move to Australia.
Have a good cry, in private, whenever you need to. Hang close with your kids, they love you. It will get better ! Not tomorrow or next week or next month, but one day you'll find yourself thinking about him and cursing him to hell and back and will see him for the immature, emotionally abusive, dishonest loser that he is.
Don't overvalue what he did for you, balance those things with what you did for him - you're probably evens.
Sometimes when our emotions have been put into spin by a person, it's hard to figure out what and how to think - thoughts seem to go round and round in circles. What can help is to put things into writing, kind of a like a balance sheet: one column for good points, one for bad; one for things you liked, one for things you didn't like etc etc. If you want to have a go at doing this, and nobody but you will know, just write things down quickly without analysing too much, and then have a look at which column is the longest for each 'topic'. Sometimes things can become clearer when they're down in black and white. The other thing it's useful to think about is not 'how could he do x y and z to me' but to figure out who benefitted from the behaviour, and why.
HTH, hang on in there canny lass.

Loretta

In about 2 years time I am sure there will be someone else in your position, wife probably knows what he is like and has decided it is worth all his nonsense for financial reasons, he is definitely worried about that pension, it must be worth a fair bit!!

Children are always selfish, they want everything to stay the same and stay cosy, father should be with mother, whether they are 5 when parents split up or 45, they stay children over these sort of things, us old people, anyone over 30 that is, should know how to behave and be sensible and not do love or lust or anything like that!

I bet if you could be bothered to look into it he has probably done this all his married life.

Forget him, I know it is hard, but you are worth so much more, for a start you are honest and he isn't.

Don't get mixed up in this couple's games, I bet they have spent their whole married life doing this sort of thing and that is why his children are so odd

Good luck

k1mmie

Hope you are feeling a little better today Carolanne. Everyone is thinking of you. Please keep strong.

Big Hugs from us all.