boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

brownbabygirl

Margaret, you are speaking Truth.

Buffy_the_Vampire_Bat

First things first caroleann...(((((((((HUG)))))))))

I've not posted on this thread before but have read it...however, the most recent event has prompted me to post. I once had a relationship very similar to yours - he was separated from his wife, divorce proceedings were begun etc...and in the end in seems I ended up being just a rather perverted form of marriage therapy for them both, as they eventually got back together and made a fresh start (In their own words they'd been "muddling along" for years, and it was only when it looked as though their marriage was going to come to a permanent end that they both looked at their relationship properly)

I really really loved him. Please don't shoot me ladies (and gents ), yes, I knew he was still technically married when we met, but at the time I thought he was the man I'd been looking for, and after it all ended I had no idea how I was going to move forward. It's hard to explain now, but it literally felt like I had no idea how to go on - not that I wanted to kill myself or anything as drastic as that, but I simply could not comprehend my way of life continuing without him, and for me that was probably the hardest thing of all. I could accept that my relationship with him was over, but I just couldn't work out how to move forward.

But I did. And you will too. How? In the end you just find yourself getting on with it. It gets easier, I promise you And in time you will come to realise that you are worth so much better.

Marker_2

Ach well, it was only 9 months, and at least now his pension will be a little safer with 'the wife'.

caroleann

Marker wrote: »

Ach well, it was only 9 months, and at least now his pension will be a little safer with 'the wife'.

We'd have been together a year this month, I never wanted his pension, just him.

caroleann

margaretclare wrote: »

No, you do NOT need to talk to him!!! I cannot emphasise that point strongly enough. If I was near enough I'd give you a good shake and then a hug. You DO NOT need to talk to him!! Have I made myself clear?

All you are doing, by 'wanting to talk' to him, is prolonging the agony, putting yourself through more of the 'shall I shan't I, will he won't he' that you've had in recent months. Walk away. End it - NOW. Today is the start of the rest of your life. As my DH's 'Bubba' used to say (and goodness knows, she should know) - you wipe your mouth and you move on. Do your crying - I know you'll do some in time to come. It's just the same as a bereavement, but please do not go back trying to reopen an old wound. Give the wound chance to heal. Don't keep poking at it to see if it still hurts.

Do NOT give him any more opportunity to pull your strings. Please!!! Listen to someone who has been there, seen it, done it, someone from another generation who has done a lotta living (even though I've got some still to do!)

With very best and sincerest wishes

Thank you Margretclare,
Wish I could be as strong as you are all telling me to be, I cant, I have rang him, texd him and e mailed him and he has ignored them all, I feel stupid now and wish I had'nt, but its done now, I even told him I would have him back without him getting a divorce, thats how desperate i feel and how much I love him. Nothing has worked and he's being very cruel by ignoring me, he knows I'm devastated, cant eat or sleep or concentrate at work, dont think he cares, I have stopped now though.

margaretclare

caroleann wrote: »

Thank you Margretclare,
Wish I could be as strong as you are all telling me to be, I can't, I have rang him, texd him and e mailed him and he has ignored them all, I feel stupid now and wish I hadn't, but its done now, I even told him I would have him back without him getting a divorce, that's how desperate i feel and how much I love him. Nothing has worked and he's being very cruel by ignoring me, he knows I'm devastated, can't eat or sleep or concentrate at work, don't think he cares, I have stopped now though.

Please, Caroleann, it's not a question of 'being strong'. Of course you feel stupid now! What did I tell you about letting yourself in for more of the 'shall I shan't I, will he won't he'? How much more of this are you going to beat yourself up with?

Telling him you'd have him back without him getting a divorce - why don't you just tell him you're a doormat and invite him to walk all over you and wipe his shoes on you?

He's not being 'very cruel' by ignoring you, he's said all that he has to say, and in fact he may be being kinder to you than you can see at present. It's over! You have to see that and you have to move on. All right, it's a bereavement, it will take time. Of course you can't eat or sleep at the moment but as others have already told you, things will get better.

cheepskate_2

take him back now and you are putting yourself into a position to be abused and mentally hurt whenever he feels like it.
you are better off without him, why want him if he loves the wife more/still and wont recipicate (sp) loyalty , love and the 101 things that go with a relationship.

It is very difficult to accept that he does not love you and be glad it was only 9 months and not years and years as some people have .

margaretclare

caroleann wrote: »

We'd have been together a year this month, I never wanted his pension, just him.

But you weren't 'together', were you? At least, not in the sense that most of us understand it. He used you. You were a convenient sh*g whenever he felt like it, along with the other home comforts, meals, laundry etc, but you weren't 'together' with him because he never really left his wife, and at various times he told you just that, but you couldn't let go. He wanted to 'have his cake and eat it', in the old phrase. Over the past year he has humiliated you and you don't seem to be able to see it. It's as if he was saying 'Jump' and your only response was 'How high?'

Cannot you see it?

BallandChain

I've read a lot of posts by MargaretClare and she always comes across as sensible and level headed. I could do with someone like you MargaretClare to give me a really good shake when I need it!

mrcow

caroleann wrote: »

Thank you Margretclare,
Wish I could be as strong as you are all telling me to be, I cant, I have rang him, texd him and e mailed him and he has ignored them all, I feel stupid now and wish I had'nt, but its done now, I even told him I would have him back without him getting a divorce, thats how desperate i feel and how much I love him. Nothing has worked and he's being very cruel by ignoring me, he knows I'm devastated, cant eat or sleep or concentrate at work, dont think he cares, I have stopped now though.

He's not being cruel, he just couldn't give a stuff.

You say that you are feeling stupid and desperate at the moment. Let's face it, it's not exactly an attractive way to be. You're never going to "get him back" like this. It isn't going to work. He sounds very weak and pretty selfish too......not exactly a catch!

You need to move on and to look for someone who is actually into you - just because you are you.......forsaking others and ready for a proper fun and loving friendship.

Set your sights a little higher than you currently are.....this guy sounds a complete jerk