Shutting 11 year old in bathroom

peely

pulliptears wrote: »

Kaz, you have my sympathy. My DD was exactly as you describe. My son was angelic, and as a teenager still is.

DD started the raging hissy fits around 4. She would really throw tantrums where she would bite, scream, kick and punch. We tried ignoring her, it didnt work. we tried sending her to her room, again didnt work.

She didnt have them often, maybe 3 or 4 a year, but when she did good lord she had them. She managed to break the airbag sensor in the car because she kicked the seat so hard. She slammed her door to the point it warped. One night she threw a fit in the bathroom and began hurling bottles around. She was holding a book at the time and the bathroom window was open. I snatched it out of her hands and threw it straight out of the window. That stopped her dead. I told her at that point if she was going to throw my things I would throw hers and that was the last of the throwing routine.

Another time she had a fit in the bathroom she bit me and stood screaming until she could barely breathe, I filled a toothbrush mug with cold water and threw it at her face. The shock stopped her and again she drew breath as she was going blue at this point.

I stripped her room of toys and her TV etc in punishment as well, but as she got older her tantrums became much less violent. She's 10 now, and still a stroppy madam, but she goes off to sulk now, stomping upstairs and as I said earlier in the thread she usually locks herself in the bathroom and we leave her to it until she reappears later.

I sought advice through the school but they simply couldnt believe that she could be that way as she was quiet and shy at school. The family Dr just said she would grow out of it, and he was right.

But yes, I'll take half a dozen boys for a girl!

With hindsight, I'd choose my single, childless life back....I wouldn't really, but it would be a h*ll of a lot easier on the nerves, and cheaper. A colleague told me today that I will find the money to pay for the entirety of my twins' education at University. Hmmmmmmm....tuition fees, accommodation and living costs for two for three years, just so they don't have any debt....errrr....aren't student loans supposed to be a reasonable type of debt. I intend paying for some of it, but we have a relatively small household income, and taxes were higher in my day when I came out of higher education. That's why we had grants!

leoetal19

if its any consolation to anyone the girl/boy thing rectifies as they get older. oldest/youngest boys-eldest pretty smooth really-grounded twice in his life-hated diapproval so a look or disapproving tone was always enoug (22 n it still is!!) youngest boy a bit more trying - several more groundings n talkings too-but knows by my look / voice when enuff is enuff
middle one dear daughter much bumpier ride and a look didnt work-she just looked back harder n her tone of voice!! i would have willingly had 12 boys insteda at times. BUT hang in there she hit 16 and is my very very best friend n soooo gorgeous-theres something in the rhyme-'your sons your son til he finds him a wife but your daughters your daughter all your life'
shes the one id want to chose my care home 4 sure
so to those with little 'i will wear that/do that/go there' witches-hang on its a bumby ride but trust me its worth it

---

i wouldnt swap her for the world x

Carmina_Piranha_3

Poppy9 wrote: »

I wish I had that self control 100% of the time but, being honest, I don't. 99% of the time it's fine, and she knows by one look, without me evening opening my mouth, that I'm not happy. But there is that 1% when I'm tired, run ragged, hormonal and fed up of repeating myself that I just lose it. I don't hit her or lock her in her room I just scream at her to get out of my sight because I know I'm near the edge.

that's very honest. it's been like that here last weekend, my hormones don't make for intelligent handling of my son's tantrums.

peely there's usually a lift as an alternative to the escalators, people with prams or wheelchairs can't use escalators.

UglyBetty

Locking a child in the bathroom is potentially dangerous.

Thirty minutes can seem like an eternity to a child especially when they are distressed or in a tantrum. It could be counter productive in the long run. Some children test your parenting skills and patience to the limits and can wear you down. Some good advice, links and free downloads on different parenting strategies to try are on:

http://www.childrenareunbeatable.org.uk/pages/advice.html

shelley_crow

I don't think i'd lock a child in the bathroom unless they were violent and a danger to everyone. Having said that my son is only nearly three, plenty of tantrums ahead! x

vetfred

Personally, I don't like the idea of locking a child in a room to punish them. If locking a child away becomes the only answer when things "kick off" and the child continues to show the same behaviour afterwards anyway, then isn't the technique only providing the parent with some respite rather than addressing any behavioural problem?

Where a child is repeatedly violent, you can obviously stop them hitting you or others by locking them away on their own. I would rather address why they act that way and ask for help rather than relying on their problem being cured over time by itself using such a technique.

RHYSDAD

An interesting thread with obviously differing points of view. I think though that the OP really should mind their own business TBH. They say in their own words that they are pretty great parents (in her opinion) in all other respects, so why the hell such pontification about how they punish their own child? Too much interference these days from do-gooders and hand-wringers. 'I don't feel happy about this, but don't know if there is anything I can do about it'?....... Excuse me but it really is nothing to do with you and i'm sure your friend would be thrilled to know you are discussing, as well as, demeaning their parenting. Who needs a friend like you? Tsk...
As for discipline, well there isn't enough tough love by any measure these day's. Little brats who are never told no, never chastised by lazy, unfit parents will ultimately grow to be spoilt, opinionated brats who will, in the end, find life a lot tougher as strangers are not so willing to accept their bullish, brattish ways.
I think it's okay to lock her in too, otherwise it may simply be a case of her just walking out the door and away. Kid's KNOW their rights these days as do-gooding adults are so willing to tell them. The case of a Father fed up with his lazy b@astard of a son who wouldn't get out of bed, arrested when he tries to forcefully remove him when the son reports him to the police. Incredible!!

Properly administered discipline and chastisement, whichever form it takes, is the fabric that underpins society and would explain the current 5hitty sate of affairs this country finds itself in.

peely

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

that's very honest. it's been like that here last weekend, my hormones don't make for intelligent handling of my son's tantrums.

peely there's usually a lift as an alternative to the escalators, people with prams or wheelchairs can't use escalators.

I know there are lifts, but usually, escalators are more handy, and I don't want the whole family to have to avoid them just because of her fear. Also I don't think us all avoiding them will help her to deal with her fear. Its more the dealing with fear I need advice on, rather than alternatives to using escalators.

Nenen

RHYSDAD wrote: »

An interesting thread with obviously differing points of view. I think though that the OP really should mind their own business TBH. They say in their own words that they are pretty great parents (in her opinion) in all other respects, so why the hell such pontification about how they punish their own child? Too much interference these days from do-gooders and hand-wringers. 'I don't feel happy about this, but don't know if there is anything I can do about it'?....... Excuse me but it really is nothing to do with you and i'm sure your friend would be thrilled to know you are discussing, as well as, demeaning their parenting. Who needs a friend like you? Tsk...
...Properly administered discipline and chastisement, whichever form it takes, is the fabric that underpins society and would explain the current 5hitty sate of affairs this country finds itself in.

...and who needs a member of society like you who is blind to the needs of children who should be protected by us all? Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!:rolleyes:

I have worked with too many children who have been the victims of horrendous abuse (in all its forms) who were ignored by people like you who absolved themselves from any responsibility by saying that other parents have a 'right' to deal with their child in 'whatever form it takes' not to feel anything but anger at your response. I am not suggesting that the situation described by the OP necessarily constitutes abuse (although I would be very interested to know the reaction of the SS) but IMHO the OP has done something very sensible by admitting she is concerned about a child and asking for advice (albeit from an internet forum). It is often the 'gut feeling' that something is wrong, by someone that knows the child, that is later proved correct and can, if acted upon, lead to the child (and often the family) getting the help and protection s/he so desperately needs. I would certainly urge the OP to look at the NSPCC website where she will find contact details of someone she can ring and speak to about this.

Given the statistics that 10% of boys and almost 20% of girls have been sexually abused and that 72% of all people in prison have been abused as children, IMHO it is a great shame that more people don't get involved and report children who they think might be at risk in some way (link to stats from House of Lords): http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/ld200607/ldhansrd/text/70327-0001.htm

Until 'society' (and that means all of us) realise that children are our future, irrespective of whether they are in our own family or someone else's, and that we all have a responsibility to care for and protect them, then the neglect, cruelty and abuse will continue which in turn leads to consequences including crime that we all eventually pay for in one way or another. By all means bury your head in the sand and say that anyone trying to ensure a child is safe is a 'do-gooder' or 'hand-wringer' who should mind their own business but don't be surprised when the consequences of your washing your hands of any responsibility to a defenceless child come back to bite you!

Nenen

peely wrote: »

I know there are lifts, but usually, escalators are more handy, and I don't want the whole family to have to avoid them just because of her fear. Also I don't think us all avoiding them will help her to deal with her fear. Its more the dealing with fear I need advice on, rather than alternatives to using escalators.

I had a terrible fear of escalators as a child that lasted until I was 21 when I met my dh! He helped me overcome my fear with enormous patience and calm. We started off by finding the shortest one we could that was relatively quiet (M&S on a midweek day). Like your dd I was unable to hold on to the handrail and terrified of stepping on so I used to stand behind my dh and clutch him around the waist and shut my eyes. He would then step on to the escalator with me behind and somehow (don't know how he managed it), ensure my feet were on a step. We practised this loads of times before I gradually managed to open my eyes and finally managed to grasp the handrail with one hand while still holding on tight to my dh! We eventually progressed to longer and longer escalators and then to me stepping on behind my dh without holding on to him. All this took months of practice! However, the good news is that eventually I could use escalators by myself - although I still don't like them very much!

Sometimes it is difficult for a parent to possess the necessary time and patience to do this so it might be a good idea to find someone your dd trusts who could spare the time to do this with her over a period of time. Good luck!