Shutting 11 year old in bathroom

jamjar,

Thank you everyone for your responses. In every other way they seem sensible parents, it was interesting to hear other peoples views.

Nenen

Personally, I think locking a child in any room is wrong. Even in residential schools or homes for children with severe emotional and behavioural problems it is illegal to lock them in a room ever... no matter how bad their behaviour (unless they are in a secure unit for their own safety in which case they are locked inside a building with staff around and not just in one room on their own).

Special schools and children's homes are allowed to have a 'time-out' room but that MUST NOT be locked with a key, bolt etc. These rooms are only ever used as a last resort when a child is completely unable to control him/herself and is acting in a way that is likely to cause harm to him/herself or another person. A member of staff is allowed to hold the door shut from outside while looking through a glass panel in the door to ensure the CHILD IS SAFE AT ALL TIMES. The room must not contain anything which the child could use to harm him/herself. There has to be a record kept of how often this is used and how long for... certainly more than ten minutes at age 11 would have been severely frowned upon and likely to cause the institution to be investigated by Social Services.

I think your friend is treading a very fine line and would only have herself to blame if her daughter harmed herself while locked in the bathroom. Could she live with the consequences? Could you if you don't speak out?

ailuro2

I think the 30 minutes is excessive, and the locking in part I feel to be over the top, but I can see why they would do it if it is an effective way they have found that lets everyone calm down..

We treat our 9yo daughter with the respect she deserves because overall she is pretty well behaved. When she misbehaves we stay calm, either tell her straight out what her punishment is (usually loss of screen time) or for something bigger tell her we need to discuss it with the other parent and let her know. We have no need to lock her in anywhere but

There is a boy at a hobby class my DD attends. The boy appears to be a problem child, always winding up the other kids, is generally a PITA. It seemed clear the boy had behavioural issues. Sadly, I have since found out the boys father calls him names, swears at him etc. when he is being naughty.When his mother tries to stand up for him she gets the same mouthful. That, for that family, is normal.
In the boy's case would it be kinder to put him in a room for ,say, 15 minutes and let him think about his behaviour, or would it be better to stand and berate the boy for a bit before doling out whatever the punishment is?

It could be possible that the parents of the girl you know find they need time to calm down themselves and this is why they do it.

Without being a fly on people's walls it is hard to work out what the truth is.

Carmina_Piranha_3

there's an article in the free 'your family' magazine (at ELC) about emotional abuse

Carmina_Piranha_3

i hadn't thought of the problems with razors etc. in the bathroom :eek: i just thought it was a better alternative than a bedroom filled with toys or a room shared with a sibling, where an angry child might destroy their sibling's things.

some 10-11 year olds are very challenging though, so what do you do with them if they won't stay for time-out but keep returning to throw things across the room and scream at you?

i had a terrible weekend last weekend, and PMS made things worse. my 11 year old was screaming and throwing things for hours and if i hadn't been able to shut him in his room i honestly don't think we'd have survived as a family. there's no lock on it, and he was reading instead of thinking about his behaviour, but having that time apart saved the argument from escalating even further (it was bad enough already).

some 11 year olds tantrums are worse than others. my 11 year old is like my sister was when i was growing up. it's just not fair on other children to allow one child's tantrums and destructive behaviour to ruin their day.

i also think that time out is important for parents too - when i have PMS i don't always think straight and am not as rational as usual. arguments can escalate when both parties are angry. i wanted to slap my child this weekend, and i'm glad i didn't. if i hadn't sent him to his room i might have done it though.

setmefree2

That's just sad.....what a horrible way to treat another human being -let alone your own child.:o

Tracy_E_A

pulliptears wrote: »

If my DD is in trouble she stomps off to the bathroom and locks herself in!!

I usually leave her to it and she comes out herself within half an hour, calmer and happier.

I used to do that, only to get away from being slapped though :rolleyes: . She used to get me on the way out though so wasnt much point hiding.
I wouldnt lock my kids anywhere, seems a bit OTT to be honest. I just lecture mine for ages until they get the point.
I dont understand why your friend cant comunicate with her child, she is 11 after all.

ericajones80

nothing wrong with this...nothing worse than what i got when i was younger

Carmina_Piranha_3

we don't have locks on the doors, never needed them. but communicating works AFTER things have calmed down. if anyone has any better ideas on what i should have done this weekend instead of telling him to stay in his room until he was calm enough to speak without screaming i'd like to hear them

personally i don't think the punishment is the big thing - it's what happens afterwards that matters - the way things are resolved, if the child knows how to prevent the problem reoccurring, if they feel loved and listened to and if they have actually given some thought as to why the parents thought their behaviour was inappropriate.

i want my child to learn that communication gets better results than screeching and violence - but he's not going to take that on board if the screeching and violence appear to get him results.

leoetal19

carmina
in the situation you described i think you did what you had to diffuse the situation-put space btween you while it all calmed down-the heat of the moment is a bad time to act
THE STRONG OBJECTION I HAVE TO THE OP IS THE LOCKING of the door and 30 mins is a long time (especially for 'being rude and naughty')
if the op had said this act was the final act after n escalation ie we tried a/b/c/d/e then this was the final measure there may have been more sympathy tho i still personally hate the LOCKING of the door
in your situation i think you acted proportionatly to hours of screaming and throwing-he prob needed the time out himself to break the cycle
i read that the post after yours related to the OP not to what you did?
sue x