Shutting 11 year old in bathroom

snowmaid

LuciferTDark wrote: »

And people wonder why the kids of today are out of control, no discipline whatsoever, simply locking them in a room does nothing, give them a good hard slap then lock them in the room.

For once I agree with you :rotfl: I can honestly say that I have never had a problem of tantrums with my 3 children. My tone of voice was usually enough to send shivers down their spines! Shouting / nagging doesn't work. One must lower your tone of voice, speak loudly (not shouting), slowly and deliberately, maintain a look of pure venom in your face and mean business. And maintain eye contact! (Works a treat with the hubby too!)

If not, then one slap with a slightly cupped hand to creat noise, not pain, works a treat. If I slapped my children twice when they were children it was a lot!

poet123

I have kids, none of whom have ever needed more than a firm tone and the "look". They have been sent to their rooms to calm down,but I would never resort to locking a door to keep them in. If you have to do that somehing is sadly wrong, or you want to exercise a level of control over a child which I find distasteful. dDscipline is not about shouting and bawling and losing control of yourself.what example does that set?. It is about calm, rational and consistent boundaries and obvious parental disapproval of the behaviour, not the child.

Primrose

I don't see any problem with this as long as the bathroom doesn't contain a cabinet with dangerous medications in it.
To be honest, I'd feel happier with a parent who disciplined a child in this way than with the thousands of parents who don't discipline their children at all and let them run wild in the street threatening old ladies, drinking booze and scrawling graffiti everywhere. How parents discipline their children is largely up to them and if the child isn't being physically harmed I really don't think you should interefere.

poet123

There are other kinds of harm other than physical,but it simply should not be necessary to have to do this with an 11 year old girl who has had the right kind of discipline from being young. The problems start when you try to discipline or instil correct and acceptable behaviour into a child who has never been told "No",they will understandably rebel and test your authority. That is not the childs fault.

Poppy9

poet123 wrote: »

Dscipline is not about shouting and bawling and losing control of yourself.what example does that set?. It is about calm, rational and consistent boundaries and obvious parental disapproval of the behaviour, not the child.

and that's the text book answer:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

back to reality. One hormonal teenager and one menopausal mother:D

poet123

I have teenagers too!!!! but I don't like wasted time or effort and the above behaviour from both sides produces just that.

So, rather than shout I just remove myself from the situation till the dust settles and then we discuss it,and they are told why xyz is unacceptable and will not be happening,or I listen and we reach a compromise.

*Louise*

Well, I personally wouldn't agree with locking a child in, but I wouldn't class it as abuse tbh. 11 is sensible enough not to be playing with razors (My 8 year son could be in a bathroom for hours and I know he wouldn't touch any medicines or stuff)



Best punishment for a teenager I have heard of was from a guy I work with - his son (16) was in trouble, so he went into his son's bedroom and cut the plugs off every single electrical appliance.:rotfl: He was told he would get one back at a time when he learned to behave.

After a month, the son asked if he could get a plug back...my friend gave him the one for his playstation. He said it was a fantastic 'DOH' moment when his son realised he had nothing to play it on!!!:rotfl:

Nenen

*Louise* wrote: »

Well, I personally wouldn't agree with locking a child in, but I wouldn't class it as abuse tbh. 11 is sensible enough not to be playing with razors (My 8 year son could be in a bathroom for hours and I know he wouldn't touch any medicines or stuff)

I agree that any reasonable 11 year old (or even a younger child such as yours) in a 'sensible' state of mind can be trusted not to touch razors or medicines. However, the OP was talking about a situation whereby the 11 year old was deemed so 'naughty/rude' that she had to be physically restrained by being locked in a room. This implies that she would not have obeyed a command to stay in there until she had calmed down.

I agree wholeheartedly with many PPs who have said that they have calmed a difficult situation down by either removing themselves or their child until it was possible to have a rational conversation and IMHO that is absolutely the right thing to do. I could have sent any of my 3 children to any room in the house and told them to stay there until they/I was calm and they would have done as they were asked. However, I would NEVER have locked them in and never had to. Locking them in implies that they are beyond control and, if that is the case then, IMHO it is totally irresponsible to lock them into a room with potentially lethal substances/tools.

In my experience of working with disturbed children and adolescents that kind of extreme punishment has one of two consequences:
1) the child becomes extremely frightened, anxious etc (as a PP said of her mother who later became claustrophobic) and will almost certainly be very disturbed by the experience which can manifest itself in a variety of ways including depression, extreme anxiety, COD, phobias or eating disorders as they get older;
2) The child becomes extremely angry and increasingly likely to self-harm if that is seen to be the only way out or as a way of revenging him/herself.

Like many PPs, I could usually stop any of my three children in their tracks (I had three under five at one time) with one of my 'Paddington Bear Stares'. I am convinced this was because I did everything I could (within the realms of human imperfection) to let the know I loved them enormously but was firm, fair and consistent right from when they were toddlers. They learned very early on what 'yes' and 'no' meant and I always tried to stick to my guns (even when I later regretted my initial decision I was determined to teach them that 'no meant no' and wouldn't give in whatever they did or said).

I can't tell you the number of parents of five year olds who've said to me things like 'I can't get him to do x' (where 'x' is easily achievable and entirely reasonable). I always want to reply, 'If you can't get him to obey you now, how on earth do you think you'll manage when he's fifteen?" It's as if the parents think that they can let their children 'rule the roost' when they're young and 'cute' and think they'll 'grow out of it' by 12! :rolleyes: I hate to disillusion them but, in my experience, unruly five year olds generally become out of control teenagers!

The difficulty is that a consistent, firm approach takes a lot of time, energy and patience when they are little but I am absolutely convinced it is immensely beneficial in the long run... a bit like the saying 'a stitch in time saves nine'!

I would guess... although obviously this is a shot in the dark that the OPs friend left this a bit late and is now taking increasingly drastic measures to try and regain control. I really feel sorry for both her and her daughter.

ailuro2

Nenen wrote: »

I did everything I could (within the realms of human imperfection) to let them know I loved them enormously but was firm, fair and consistent right from when they were toddlers. They learned very early on what 'yes' and 'no' meant and I always tried to stick to my guns ....

The difficulty is that a consistent, firm approach takes a lot of time, energy and patience when they are little but I am absolutely convinced it is immensely beneficial in the long run... a bit like the saying 'a stitch in time saves nine'!

:T I agree 100% with this, this is what I tell people who comment on how well behaved my DD is. Start early, mean what you say and say what you mean. And let them know you're the boss. It's akin to training a dog well - it's easier for everyone if they know their place in the pack.That sounds over harsh, but we do always give our DD a choice. There's an easy way and a hard way. She chooses.;)

I've never had to lock her in her room at 9yo, but she had a few firemen's carries back to the car/house when she was a toddler....until she figured out she got to play longer at the park if she didn't throw a tantrum.

poet123

It is all down to how you start off with them,if you over indulge them early on and allow them to have control then you are storing up trouble fo the future. By over indulge I don't mean with material things or holidays or money, but by allowing them to think they are in charge and can do as they like without boundaries. None of my kids ever threw a tantrum in a public place,nor have ever behaved badly in public,becasue they knew they would be taken home immediately.

They are not angels though, but they have always known where the line is and what the result of crossing that line will be. I never had to resort to physical punishment nor mental punishment because they were moulded from toddlerhood to behave well and be rewarded or behave badly and not achieve the desired result.

I watched in amusement when my 23 yr old was interacting with some of my 10yr olds friends at a party recently...he was trying to control a situation and one child was completely out of control,he tried everything to distract,change tack etc but nothing worked. Finally, he told the child that unless he behaved he would take him home and tell his mum what he had been up to,the child was completely unfazed and said mum will say it was not my fault!!!! My son was amazed that this final sanction had not had an effect as he knew that under similar circumstances it would have been a while till he went to another party if he had behaved like this at the same age.

He actually said to me that he could not understand how a parent could allow a child to believe that they were always right, and that their behaviour could go unchallenged,and that they were doing the child no favours.

Yesterday the mother of that child called round and was complaining that her child had been the only one of the "gang" not invited to a recent party. The sad fact is that the rest of us don't want to spend our child's birthday disciplining her child becasue she cant be bothered,so he is being excluded. i tried to tactfully point out the problem but it fell on deaf ears.