Shutting 11 year old in bathroom

melancholly

i don't think anyone could disagree that starting early is the key, but i guess i don't see how that would help the situation described in the OP..... we can't just say tough luck, you didn't discipline your child growing up..... clearly something has gone wrong or these measures wouldn't be necessary, but identifying the problem is easy, suggesting a solution is much much harder!!

poet123

I agree,but we don't really know if the OP's friend locks the door because she wants to keep the child in and otherwise the child would ignore the parent and leave the room,or whether it is an extra layer of control. I have no issue with time out in the room but it is the locking in I find dsiturbing. There must be other ways of imposing discipline,withdrawal of phone ,missing a regular activity,no parties. if you are struggling at 11,you will be in real trouble at 15/16.

Carmina_Piranha_3

this may sound daft but before he got to age ten or eleven i didn't need to 'discipline' him as such. lots of parents whose children have autistic traits etc. say that theirs suddenly became a monster when they couldn't cope with the move to high school but temper tantrums aren't going to achieve anything, i hope he will grasp that soon! perhaps he should move in with my mum for a few days every month, when i've got PMS

Kaz2904

We have an absolute nightmare with DD. She has a horrendous temper and when she blows she ends up making us all blow up. The only way to stop this happening is to get her out of the way before she creates merry hell. She is 6 and has been like it from birth.
My SiL used to look after them and when I picked the kids up one day she said that DD had been so naughty that she had been on the verge of really shouting at her. She said she'd never really understood why I lost my rag with her until she saw this behaviour. We have also found it virtually impossible to discipline her because she doesn't give a toss. We used to have to keep changing the rules with her because we would use one method and it would work well for about 2 weeks until she got wise.
DS is totally diferent and just needs a look sometimes a telling off too.
He puts himself in time out when he's been naughty because he hates people being cross with him.
However~ regardless of the problems we have at home I always get comments when she goes anywhere about how well behaved she is and how good she is with smaller children.
We are getting to the point where we are going to have to take her bedroom door off TBH because she gets a strop on and stamps upstairs and slams the door. She does it so hard that she's split the frame from the wall so I think it needs to come off until she can learn some respect for our property.
Both of mine have had tantrums in our local high street (pedestrianised) involving lying down and screaming but they stopped it pdq when they looked up for attention and realised I was 1/2 way down the road.
If they have paddys about not wanting to leave somewhere then the response is always the same- "I'm going now, if you can remeber the way home then I'll see you later. If not I'll pick you up next time I'm here. By then you'll be cold and hungry and you'll miss X,Y and Z."
Strangely enough I've never yet come home without either of them.

I can see us having real problems with DD as she gets older and we are in the unfortunate position of not being able to just pick her up and lug her off for time out as she is so big for her age. This said, we will keep trying and it is getting somewhat easier and we haven't ripped her head off yet.
Strangely enough everyone I know who has a girl and a boy finds the girl the problematic one with the temper.

pulliptears

Kaz, you have my sympathy. My DD was exactly as you describe. My son was angelic, and as a teenager still is.

DD started the raging hissy fits around 4. She would really throw tantrums where she would bite, scream, kick and punch. We tried ignoring her, it didnt work. we tried sending her to her room, again didnt work.

She didnt have them often, maybe 3 or 4 a year, but when she did good lord she had them. She managed to break the airbag sensor in the car because she kicked the seat so hard. She slammed her door to the point it warped. One night she threw a fit in the bathroom and began hurling bottles around. She was holding a book at the time and the bathroom window was open. I snatched it out of her hands and threw it straight out of the window. That stopped her dead. I told her at that point if she was going to throw my things I would throw hers and that was the last of the throwing routine.

Another time she had a fit in the bathroom she bit me and stood screaming until she could barely breathe, I filled a toothbrush mug with cold water and threw it at her face. The shock stopped her and again she drew breath as she was going blue at this point.

I stripped her room of toys and her TV etc in punishment as well, but as she got older her tantrums became much less violent. She's 10 now, and still a stroppy madam, but she goes off to sulk now, stomping upstairs and as I said earlier in the thread she usually locks herself in the bathroom and we leave her to it until she reappears later.

I sought advice through the school but they simply couldnt believe that she could be that way as she was quiet and shy at school. The family Dr just said she would grow out of it, and he was right.

But yes, I'll take half a dozen boys for a girl!

Kaz2904

OMG- wow! Yes it's amazing just what levels they can get to isn't it?
DD was a biter too and I always said that you shouldn't hurt your kids but she would bite and bite and bite. She did it to me, her brother, my friend and her childminder. After about the hundredth time of her biting my face and nearly killing us both by kicking us down the stairs I bit her back, on her face and hard.
She never did it again. I felt so awful that I cried for ages but my friend said I had tried everything possible and she wouldn't stop. If she'd bitten another child who knows what the reaction would be. Still don't know what the best course of action would be just that I tried everything and nothing worked until I did it back.

Noone I knew ever used to believe me about how bad DD was until they saw it for themselves but she really can be something else.
Funny little thing though, so determined with everything and so bright. I can't believe what she comes out with sometimes.
When she's older she'll either be a terrorist or a saint!

Poppy9

poet123 wrote: »

I have teenagers too!!!! but I don't like wasted time or effort and the above behaviour from both sides produces just that.

So, rather than shout I just remove myself from the situation till the dust settles and then we discuss it,and they are told why xyz is unacceptable and will not be happening,or I listen and we reach a compromise.

I wish I had that self control 100% of the time but, being honest, I don't. 99% of the time it's fine, and she knows by one look, without me evening opening my mouth, that I'm not happy. But there is that 1% when I'm tired, run ragged, hormonal and fed up of repeating myself that I just lose it. I don't hit her or lock her in her room I just scream at her to get out of my sight because I know I'm near the edge.

poet123 wrote:

.......... but they have always known where the line is and what the result of crossing that line will be.

Problem is with lines is that every parent has a different measurement of that line. Is it answering back/disobeying an order once, twice or three times? I know my line is in different places to friends & family lines.

As a child I was difficult (I blame being the youngest of 4 and trying to be heard:p ) and I always answered back. I knew how far I could go before my mother reacted but sometimes I just couldn't resist going that extra inch to really enrage my mother (I'm smiling thinking about it). I loved the banter and feeling of power:o . My father was different; only once did he lose his temper with me. I was about 15 and my 17 year old sister was ironing in front of the TV to annoy me. We argued and she threatened me with the hot iron near my face (she loves me really). My father didn't see this when he walked into the room all he heard was me saying "I'll f'ing kill you". I didn't even think about asking if I could still go to my friends party 2 days later.

poet123

Mine are all boys!!! so maybe that's the difference.

They know where the line is and when I give them "the look"!! you know the one,they know they are close to it.

peely

poet123 wrote: »

I have teenagers too!!!! but I don't like wasted time or effort and the above behaviour from both sides produces just that.

So, rather than shout I just remove myself from the situation till the dust settles and then we discuss it,and they are told why xyz is unacceptable and will not be happening,or I listen and we reach a compromise.

lol....my pre-teens tell me that it is rude to ignore/avoid someone, and that they are entitled to their own opinions. What have I done?????

I could do with some advice about how to get my escalator phobic eleven yo daughter down an escalator. She has been down escalators, but now completely refuses to, in spite of losing PC time and my telling her I won't take her to the town to go and see Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat, as it would involve public transport and escalators!! She has managed to make herself go up on them, and will go to near the top of one, but won't touch the handrail.

peely

Poppy9 wrote: »

I wish I had that self control 100% of the time but, being honest, I don't. 99% of the time it's fine, and she knows by one look, without me evening opening my mouth, that I'm not happy. But there is that 1% when I'm tired, run ragged, hormonal and fed up of repeating myself that I just lose it. I don't hit her or lock her in her room I just scream at her to get out of my sight because I know I'm near the edge.



Problem is with lines is that every parent has a different measurement of that line. Is it answering back/disobeying an order once, twice or three times? I know my line is in different places to friends & family lines.

As a child I was difficult (I blame being the youngest of 4 and trying to be heard:p ) and I always answered back. I knew how far I could go before my mother reacted but sometimes I just couldn't resist going that extra inch to really enrage my mother (I'm smiling thinking about it). I loved the banter and feeling of power:o . My father was different; only once did he lose his temper with me. I was about 15 and my 17 year old sister was ironing in front of the TV to annoy me. We argued and she threatened me with the hot iron near my face (she loves me really). My father didn't see this when he walked into the room all he heard was me saying "I'll f'ing kill you". I didn't even think about asking if I could still go to my friends party 2 days later.

I just didn't tell my parents anything, or argue back. When I was 14 I spent the night in a multi storey car park (just my sleeping bag and radio for comfort...awww) to test if they noticed. They didn't. I climbed in the window at 6am and went to bed.

I'm still very secretive both to my Mum and my OH.