Calling All Single Parents

Diamond78

I dont know if there is a single parents thread or club or here and if there is apologies if there is.I was on another thread about quiting smoking and was getting great support from other quitters when *oops a daisy* made a lovely comment that put a smile on my face.Not many ppl realise the struggles we have to go through as Im sure 2 parent families struggle aswell.I was just off to bed when it got me thinking it would help to post any tips,advice or just to rant about evryday normal things.

I use to be a member of gingerbread club which is for single parents, think its expired now but will resign up as I found a lot of useful tips and sometimes they had good offers like a day out at chessington for less than the actual price it was.Maybe we could post any offers that we come across on here and also support each other.

Ive been a single parent from when I was pregnant.When my ex found out I was pregnant I was 23, he left me and went back to his ex.He has already cheated on me b4 and was abusive so went thu pregnancy alone.My mum lived abroad and I had no contact with my dad.I only had my brother for supposr who I didnt see loads off,I dont know how I got thru it but I did and as a result of my hormones ect got back with my ex when his ex dumped him.It didnt last long and we was together on and off for a few months.His abuse got worse and the violence started again.In the end I had to flee and go in a refuge.To cut the story short Im 30 next week and my son is nearly 6 and Im getting there.When I say Im getting there I mean finally getting my life on track.My ex stil tries to control me but he knows he cant as Im stronger than ever.My son is happy and healthy and doesnt have a bond with his dad although I have tried and gone out of my way for them to bond and be like father and son.It has been very very hard alone but I wouldnt change it for the world.Me and my son are close as anything and love we have is wonderful.seing my son grow up into a charming little prince gives me such pride and joy that if I was with the spemdonor i dont think my son would be a happy and confident child like he is now.In a way I am sad that my son has no father figure as I know very well what it is like and unfortuantly in my case this messed me up as a tenager and in later life but I am determined that my son wil not suffer like me.

Its taken me 5 years to actually date but didnt last long as he was wrong for me so have happliy been single for over a year after this guy I was seing which only lasted 3 months.I find it hard as I feel I am not the same woman I once was and also dont have time to go out and do the things I use to.HAve been on dating sites but only get weirdos that msg me although have made some nice male friends that actually chat normal chat.

I find other things hard liek shopping as I dont drive and carrying all that heavy shopping,DIY jobs that men would usually do, I have tried doing myself.All in all I am now more independent and stronger and Im sure there are many other single parents, women and men in similar positions.Unfortunatly I have suffered with very bad depression on and off and I know mine will never go away completly but im optimistic that it will nevr be as bad as it has been.Im hoping 2008 will be a better year and every year after that will get better.By supporting one another I am sure you can get through tough and bad times and many single parenst from the old generation till now have done fantastic jobs bringing up their children.I just feel we need to be recognised more and we need more support as not enough is available.There are still narrow minded ppl that look down on single parents and try and give them a bad name for being lazy and all the rest of it. There are many working single parents who do a fantastic job doing work and raising their kids and there are some that dont work either due to lack of support,illness and other reasons. I for one am not working as cannot at the moment but I will be starting college and doing a course and in time will work and be a working mum. We are not lazy nor bad.I just want to say well done to all single parents for being a fanstastic parent and doing such a brave and hardest ever job.Well done and for once be very very proud of yourselves.
All the best to u all xxx

eira

Well done on you. If you can survive as a single parent there is nothing you can't do.Society expects you to walk on water-look at all the demands for single parents to go back to work and virtually no pressure for runaway parents to support the kids.As my daughter said the children of single parents need them twice as much but there is only half to give because of other pressures. I have worked all along but have always been painfully aware that took time away from the kids even though I have had a school day/holiday hour job.

You are a strong survivor.A boost is sometimes to check out how many successful people have been brought up by single parents and how they comment on having had a positive role model/closeness and an ability to adapt and survive.

One thing that is worth exploring is the local Adult Ed/college provision for short courses on just anything to get a chance to have somewhere regular to go and meet people and do something with a target. These places also do Access courses that last 1/2 years and are an alternative form of entry into Higher Education. The Open University has widened its range of courses and local universities do adult classes in a range of subjects from mushrooms to literature.

All the very very best - as the ad says- you deserve it

wifeforlife

Hey Diamond

You seem just as your user name suggests, a wee diamond!

I'm a single mum myself, my ex didnt want to know when I was pregnant either, my lil lady is now 4yrs old, I have to say yes it is hard but I wouldnt want it any other way (except for marriage)

I see friends and relatives who are still in relationships and arguing over schools, which family to visit, which family is babysitting and the like and I am pleased to say I dont have that.

I like that it's just me making the decisions and it's my child brought up my way, I enjoy the compliments even more haha

I know there is bad times, especially when I've to leave work early to collect her if shes ill or taking time off and especially when she was a baby and teething but I got through it and would do it again as I've a delight of a daughter and it's made me be the person I am now

With regards to driving or anything, let that be something for you to work towards, it's a bl00dy expense that it's that great having, oh and shop online for the big stuff and tinned stuff! I think it's a great decision for you to go to college, you'll meet new people, get out of the house and it'll even help your depression!

Well done you

Cate

Jo_R_2

Hey!

Me a single parent too. Will be a year come beginning of March. Has been very hard - the hardest thing I think I've ever done - but I figure now that I can do anything having been through it and doing it every day.

It is very difficult - I find the weekends difficult sometimes when we're all 'on our own' together but it's also very rewarding and satisfying to see my little girls growing up and being complimented on what lovely girls they are. People often say how polite and well mannered my DD1 is, and how happy and smiley and loving DD2 is and that makes my heart swell with pride, and when people say they admire me for what I am doing (someone said it to me last night, that they thought I was amazing for bringing up two children by myself) I feel a sense of affirmation. It doesn't matter what people think on the whole, but it is always nice to hear people being supportive and thinking I am doing a great job when I doubt it myself sometimes!

I asked ex to move out after our relationship had been breaking down for a while. DD2 was eight months and that was horrendous, she was waking three/four times in the night, I was breastfeeding and so many times I was sat in my bedroom at kids' bedtime, on my bed, feeding her in the near dark, thinking, this is so wrong, she's only a baby who depends on me so much, I think heightened by the fact I was still bf'ing her, and I thought how have things come to this?

He wasn't much help the last few months, I pretty much did things on my own anyway as well as working four days a week to support him studying full-time. DD2 wasn't planned and he found it hard to deal with a baby and his degree and handled it by going out drinking every night. When I realised DD1 was seeing me being upset every day when I phoned him up to ask where he was when he hadn't come home, I realised she and DD2 couldn't see this and think that this was how an adult relationship should be.

I still work, but am just cutting my hours down. I've been forced to admit that I can't work as much as I would like to because I need to spend more time with the girls, I don't get any maintenance off their dad, although he has stepped up after a few months of being very here and there with contact, and he now has them all weekend every other weekend and has taken DD1 away on holiday for a week last year. I would like some financial support - my male friends who are also his friends say I should take him for as much as I can get - but he simply is very skint at the mo and doesn't have anything to give, and I don't see the point right now when what matters most is that the girls see him and have a relationship with him. Yes, when he gets a job I'll sort something out with him, but for now the girls are happy, I can manage so we'll get by.

I have met a lovely guy, and although it's only been six months, I have high hopes for our futures. He adores the girls and they like him, and he wants us all to move in together, so I'm taking little steps at a time and seeing how it goes.

misswig

Hi Diamond

I'm a single parent too of a 31/2 yer old boy. I split up from his dad (my exH) when he was 14 months old due to a variety of reasons-lack of trust in relationship, bad husband and uninterested father etc etc. I moved out of the marital home into rented accomadation.

Had a long protracted divorce, threats of him abducting my son from the child minders, numerous court appearances. Moved 160 miles away from the area 15 months ago to be closer to my brother (Parents also live abroad) and never looked back. His Dad died a year ago but was never really bothered about my son (I'm sure he loved him but not really keen on the fatherhood thing).

My ExH parents and family seem to have now ceased contact with my son as they have not contacted him for 9 weeks now (not even a christmas card). Last time that i spoke to them they stated that they didn't think that they should have to come down to see him and it should be up to me to travel so they could see my son. In all honesty, i would probably have done that if they had shown the slightest bit of interest in my sons welfare etc etc but they dont so i dont see why i should. In total they have seen him 4 times this year (with no contact in between)for a few hours at a time and for weeks after their visits he had nightmares, bedwetting and terrible behaviour so i'm not really that bothered other than for my son having his family having so little feelings for him.

i have recently dropped my working hours down to 32 hours a week nd am hoping to drop this still further as i want to be at home with my son as much as possible and it has only just become viable to do so.

Although being a single parent is bl00dy hartd work and exhausting, i wouldn't change it for the world. I sometimes watch my son sleeping at night and cry witht he joy that he brings to my life. He is a polite, well mannered, loving little boy and i am so proud of him (and if i'm honest, myself) that i could shout it from the rooftops.

I think all single parents deserve a medal for the hard work that they do

slash69

i'm a single parent too and have been for 13 years dated occasionally in the early years but nothing serious (my fault did't want ''uncle harry' in one door and ''uncle fred'' out of the other as that seems to happen a lot round my way). i'm so lucky to live very close to all my family and we all support each other,my dd and i go away to france every year with my mum & dad and i know i can always call on them or my 2 bros & sis (though sometimes i feel guilty about it as i am the oldest). my ex has never shown any interest in dd and she never asks about him either. it used to worry me until i overheard my bros stepdaughter asking my dd where her dad was her reply i havent got a dad but i've got a grandad....
working as a single parent is damn hard but i trained to be a childminder and i love it ,its not easy but nothing in life is..i wouldnt swap my dd or life for anything and must admit it has got easier over the years...
last year my mum tol me that one of my bros worries about me cos i dont go out or have an oh well he doesnt need to i dont go out thru choice and i think i may be too selfish for an oh lol you know wot i mean i watch wot i want, eat when i want, do wot i want and only have dd and myself to consider...goh that sounds awfull lol

Diamond78

Hi misswig,
sorry to hear about the troubles you have had.I totally understand what you have been through.My ex's family dont bother with my son even though I have tried and tried.I have always gone out of my way for them to see my son.My ex also has older children, 3 from 3 different women.2 of them I knew about.They have always treated my son like the blacksheep but Ive had enough of it now.I wanted my son to have a family but a loving family.They have never shown my son love.It has always been us that have travelled to see them as they are not that far.As i dont drive I have to get 3 buses but they have a car and it would take them less than 20mins.As we live closer now they have not been to see us once.Nor do they phone.It is me who phones them so my son gets to chat a bit.Her excuses are that she has been busy and hasnt called anyone, yet they can travel up north to pick up their grandaughter.It angers me and I say to myself why do i bother but they tell ppl that i stop them seing my son which is a lie and I am not there to defend myself.The ppl around them think of me as an evil spiteful !!!!! but the truth is they know their son is violent,abusive with a drink and drug problem. They get their grandkids loads of presents and gifts and my ex's 10 year old would love to flaunt it to my son, which then he wants it but i am not in the position to buy him expensive stuff.

My ex has a good job and good lifestyle,he drives without a licence,drinks and drives and takes drugs.Authorities know about this but have never done anything.His job involves the safety of the public yet he gets away with it. He is no role model to my son and I do not think he will ever change.I have had a lucky escape from him as I know had I stayed with him I would not be alive today as I have come close to death when I was with him and even when I was not.But being on my own has made me the person I am now, and thats a good and loving parent who will always put my child 1st.

misswig

Thanks Diamond

It's hard isn't it knowing whats for the best. In an ideal world i would love for my son to have 2 sets of doting grandparents but the reality is that that will never happen. I like you want my son to have a loving no strings attached relationship with his family (mine and his dads) but have realised that that will never happen. Still hurts though doesn't it? His other grandparents took 2 of their grandkids (the ones that are in favour at the minute) to Lapland this year for Christmas and my son didn't even get a christmas card!!

Still, in all honesty i prefer it that way. My son has my parents, brother and other extended family who dote on him so he has got a loving family around him Albeit not a conventional one.

feel free to PM me anytime

slash69

But being on my own has made me the person I am now, and thats a good and loving parent who will always put my child 1st.

oh diamond sorry to read all that it,s heartbreaking but just remember you are not alone in all this it happens alot more frquently than anyone likes to admit,just remember it,s them that are losing out not you or you child look at the above quote that you wrote that is the main thing its love your little one needs not the material things in life and you're certainly giving him plenty of it...my ex hasn't paid a penny towards dd since she was a year old andthough it's been hard i'm proud to say i've managed and wouldnt want any of him now...just take one day at a time and you'll be ok honest

missyg_3

Inspiring stories here, thank you for sharing!

I'm a single parent too, my little boy is 9 and he's an absolute treasure. He's friendly and social, caring, loads of fun and great company!

Thank you for creating this thread, hope to talk some more soon.

Diamond78

Thanks slash69. Its just upsets me as I dont understand how some ppl can be so heartles and cruel.Our children are young and inocent and all they want is love.We all love our kids unconditionally and always will do and we will do whats best for them.

I need to get over the fact these ppl will never be part of my sons life but yes misswig it upsets me a lot and breaks my heart.Like you know yourself,its harder not having much family around to help love and support us.I know there are worse ppl off then myself and I thank god everyday that my son is healthy and I am getting through this.Some nights i cry myself to sleep as I know full well what its like not to have family that care for me or are there for me. Why is history repeating itself and doing the same to my son??My dad didnt want me in his life and even so i was longing for him to love me and want me.I needed him so much when i was going through domestic violence but he didnt help me and didnt want to know.My mum living abroad didnt help as she was to busy with her own life.While majority of my family live abroad and some here who Ive never met or had no contact since i was a young child, my son has spermdonors side of the family all here living less than 20mins away.
Its so lovely i assume to have a happy and large family altho my ex's family lives are full of dramas so in a way my son wont be dragged in to all that.I remember clearly the grandmother questioning the ex's daughter who at the time was 5 about what her mum gets up to and at that age young children tell it how it is.I have nothing to hide so have nothing to worry about but It is still wrong to question a child the way she would and say bad things about her mum infront of her which she still does.God forbid if something happened to me, I dont want my son to suffer like me by having no family.I dont wat him to have a lonely life.Im sure he wont and he will have many friends and be loved but its not the same is it as having family.Dunno, i am moaning to much I suppose but its one thing that really upsets me.In a way if they were worth it, then it would be worth being upset over but they are not nice ppl and treat my son like a 2nd class citizen and if someone can not respect the parent bringing up that child then they should have no place in that childs life what so ever.