Calling All Single Parents

Diamond78

yoni_one wrote: »

Diamond, kudos to you for managing to flee from the domestic abuse, there are so many barriers that get in the way of leaving, even in my job it still always amazes me when women find the courage to do so.

I also admire your efforts to keep the contact going between your ex and DS (what does DS stand for btw?) however it is now widely acknowledged that domestic violence and abuse is in itself a form of child abuse so it is probably for the best that you have given up trying.

For some reason people do think we need men in our lives to complete us so it is not uncommon for your brother to make that assumption. I am sorry that your experiences have left deep scars but it does sound that you are on a healthy road to recovery and I really do hope you find it within you trust again tho do understand just how difficult that can be.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme? We run it from our refuge for women who have been or still are targets of DV & A and the feedback is really positive. I believe the programme can be accessed nationally and it really really helps people to better understand some of the choices they made and increases confidence and self-esteem. If you are interested your local refuge could probably direct you to where it is offered. Also at our refuge we have adult and children's outreach workers and a childrens group where the focus is not on what happened but more on allowing kids to express their feelings. I can highly recommend both if they are available in your area. We deal with children who have been away from the abuse for ages yet still gain much from it without 'bringing it all back up again' so to speak. If you are interested in knowing more you are welcome to PM me or find out details of your local office at www.womensaid.org.uk

It's great to hear that you seem to be enjoying and embracing your independence, I bet once upon a time you could never have imagined having come so far. Respect.

Thank you for the kind comments and useful advice. I will pm you later for further advice if you dont mind.
No, I have never heard of that programme. I have been in a refuge 2 times both was when my son was a baby and both occasions It was just before xmas.I have also been in hostels,temp accomadation. For some reason I was unlucky with the support groups I tried to acces for help. I was granted injunctions several times.Im so tired of it all that it has taken its toll on me. I have suffered for years in silence with no help or support. I am again moving soon-ex knows where I live now but when I move he wont know.I no longer trust my ex in any way what so ever.Due to his behaviour I want him to have supervised visits with my son but he refuses. He refuses everything and I am not going to let him try and control me like he use to. He still tries to have that power over me by saying belittling things,sly remarks but I know I am better than that.if he was a decent dad then I would do everything in my power for them to have a greatt relathionship.But the truth is my ex has never bothered.He has had years to build a relathionship.My ex could switch on me again oneday like he use to.He is a lot bigger than me and I do not wish for my son to witness any more of his violence.He remebers some things but most was when he was a baby.I know it has affected my son and he is due to see a family therapist.My son(DS stands for dear don,DD dear daughter,DH dear husband).
I have a duty to protect my son.When my son is older and he wants to speak or see him i will deal with it but for now I know Its in my sons best interest that my ex doesnt know where I live due to my ex's state of mind which isnt good.
I am moving into a private rented flat, as thats what Im in now. Hopefully I will find out soon when I move. But I have really been affected by this and once contacted my local councils community safety as I didnt feel safe.They have not helped me once as I feel the security of my property isnt safe. I thought that I would have to be living in a refuge to be able to get any help. It seems that councils just give up on victims after a while when really it would so help if they would direct you and offer some support. I know It would benefit me If i attended a support group of some sort or had some one experienced helping me along with advice ect.Even after years of being seperate they can stil give you grief.I dont want to live in fear forever.I am due to start counselling soon, so I am hoping it will help me to with dealing with all the things that have happened.I want to be able to let go of what my ex done to me and put me through but its hard.One thing now I dont do is BLAME myself.It was never my fault.His actions are his responsibilty.That goes for every victim.The bully will always blame the victim, when the fault lies in the bully.

mum2one

hI
Im a late starter in the thread, have only just come across it, so apologies, yep Im a single mum to, Im 37 and my daughter is 5 1/2.

Weird when I met my ex, i was having a really difficult time at work, I was a mgr in fast food, and the job was hell, had my life, had my holidays, and then through a girl who worked for me, I met my ex, the 1st time I met him, I took an instant dislike, mainly on appearance, but as Im well built, I always hate people who judge the book by the cover.
He was a londoner, who had moved up our area, and he had the charm factor, knew what to say etc, and to start off with it was a welcome relief away from work, as the shifts i use to work, eg fri 4pm - 2am, sat either 7am -5pm or more likely 4pm - 2am, then back in sun 8am -5pm, while your friends have 9-5 jobs, your social life tends to be with people in the same business. He was different he accpeted those hrs, would even send gd ngt texts when I worked late, come and meet me a work, one ocassion he even waited an hr so I could grab 5 mins 4 a coffee, lunch breaks etc were only for staff, mgrs grabbed 5 mins here, 5 mins there, neva off duty.
He said that he had moved up to the area, as his wife had left him and he was starting a new life, at the end of the day when your ovea 30, its very unlikely someone you meet hasnt got baggage one way or the other.
It was end Nov 01 when we met, he dissapered ova xmas,but kept ringing, but again the hrs I worked didnt really notice, i spent xmas with family and worked ova new yr, so we spent new yrs day as our day.
There was questions that I asked, like y no furniture, we had to sit on garden chairs in front rm, only proper piece furniture was the bed and the cooker, his excuse was his ex and damaged everything in a rage and he was awaiting delievery, every question, he had a valid reason. jump 4ward Jan 02, had settlement from a previous car accident so booked myself a hol to Kenya for Mar, and Id set march as a benchmark, but !!! end Jan wasnt well, the gp diagnosed kidney infection, he was jubious to prescribe malaria tablets, a week later no better, so thought do a pregnancy test so I could rule it out, but the line turned blue. We'd been together less than 8 weeks, he had told me he was a jaffa (seedless), but he was wrong. One ngt I had missed call on mobile rang it back, and found out that my exs wife hadnt left him she was in prison serving a year for fraudlent accounting and theft from the business she worked in. he eventually confessed it was true, but as I was pregnant I tried to make best bad job, he threatened the midwife, upset the doctors at the hospital, followed me into the toilet at the hospital, i couldnt get 5 mins to myself, then the violence started, being pinned up against a wall, being held down in bed by my hair, was sexually assaulted, by this time I had got a solicitor on board, but had to stay in the relationship until he did enough that would be enough to keep him away from the child when born.
by the time I was 6 mths he was distant, but wouldnt let me need a life, he had threatened to kill my parents, id been held in the house against my will. Because of ill health, I ended going off work at 8 weeks gone and never went back, when I was 7 mths gone we had a blazing row, he threatened to kill me, I just snapped, got the police involved, the hospital had got social services involved as they were looking into taking the baby off me becoz of him.
How the hell I found the strength to get away from him, I'll never know, I was diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder, with flashbacks due to a violent relationship. For my own safety and that of the hospital staff, i had to be induced a week early, all for a cruel bully, all he had been doing was lining his nest, as all the time I was pregnant, he had been using the baby to get himself a house from the council for when his wife come out of prison, apparently she was realised early. He only made one attempt to contact his daughter when she was 3 mths old he wanted him and his wife to have her twice a week. Over my dead body, luckly I had a good solicitor.

It took a long time for me to get my life back together, my daughter has never spent a bday at home, we have to go away I find it to tramatic, for the 1st 2 years I wouldnt leave the house without anyone with me, id feel safer walking down a street in a foreigh country than I do in my own town, its stupid.

I finally got my life back together 4 yrs after my daughter was born, I still suffer with PTSD and depression, but i started working as a mystery shopper, only casual but it got me out of the house, I started an Open Uni course in 2006, I was lucky, due to low income I had my courses paid for, computer grant etc, my xmas last yr I have achieved a Certificate in Business and a Certificate in Law, Im still studying as I would like to turn all this into a degree, and then i would like to help people.

We had quite a few steps back last yr, I bumped into my ex, the 1st time since we had split, after that I had a letter from his parents, via my old solicitors, apparently they had been trying to be proper grandparents, but my ex had given them a !!!! and bull story, so I agreed to indirect contact, but I wasnt ready to meet them, a month later they turned up in my home town, I felt obliged to meet them as they had come ova from Ireland and I met my exs brother, they seemed so different to my ex, stayed in contact I wouldnt let them have contact with my daughter, set in ground rules that in a yr or so, review the situation. What a surprise after meeting them my ex started turning up at the places I had told his family I took daughter to, they blamed me for everything, I was mucking them around, they were asked not to send anything direct to dd, but no not good enough, with all the stress it triggered off PTSD again, so finally Jan this yr - solicitors letter to them saying, they or thier sone breached my confidence and put our security at risk, I still dont feel safe.
My ex packed in work so he doesnt have to pay CSA, all he ever brought for my daughter was 1 baby grow. At least I can hold my head up high, Im in debt, a lot of that was my fault and interest etc, Im getting there slowly, as they say Rome wasnt built in a day.

I still avoid relationships, there was a guy I met 4 yrs ago while on hol, we stayed in touch as friends, the weird thing is he would give me the world, but I have to keep my lives seperate, Ive spoke to his friends, his mum, yet all I can give him is my mobile number. he knows about my daughter, as Ive never hidden her, but I dont want a stream of uncles coming in through the front dr out the rear and replaced by the next.
I try and have a wk a yr to myself, (we live with my parents), that I can be normal, I can be me the person, not the person who suffers from PTSD, has that much baggage that the scales would go get off and weigh one at a time, in time I'll let my 2 lives meet, but at the moment its never the twain shall meet.

Apologies for babbling on, just felt a weight has lifted off my shoulders, as family and friends know bits and dads, but not the whole story, so thank you all xx

traveller

mum2one wrote: »

hI
Im a late starter in the thread, have only just come across it, so apologies, yep Im a single mum to, Im 37 and my daughter is 5 1/2.

Weird when I met my ex, i was having a really difficult time at work, I was a mgr in fast food, and the job was hell, had my life, had my holidays, and then through a girl who worked for me, I met my ex, the 1st time I met him, I took an instant dislike, mainly on appearance, but as Im well built, I always hate people who judge the book by the cover.
He was a londoner, who had moved up our area, and he had the charm factor, knew what to say etc, and to start off with it was a welcome relief away from work, as the shifts i use to work, eg fri 4pm - 2am, sat either 7am -5pm or more likely 4pm - 2am, then back in sun 8am -5pm, while your friends have 9-5 jobs, your social life tends to be with people in the same business. He was different he accpeted those hrs, would even send gd ngt texts when I worked late, come and meet me a work, one ocassion he even waited an hr so I could grab 5 mins 4 a coffee, lunch breaks etc were only for staff, mgrs grabbed 5 mins here, 5 mins there, neva off duty.
He said that he had moved up to the area, as his wife had left him and he was starting a new life, at the end of the day when your ovea 30, its very unlikely someone you meet hasnt got baggage one way or the other.
It was end Nov 01 when we met, he dissapered ova xmas,but kept ringing, but again the hrs I worked didnt really notice, i spent xmas with family and worked ova new yr, so we spent new yrs day as our day.
There was questions that I asked, like y no furniture, we had to sit on garden chairs in front rm, only proper piece furniture was the bed and the cooker, his excuse was his ex and damaged everything in a rage and he was awaiting delievery, every question, he had a valid reason. jump 4ward Jan 02, had settlement from a previous car accident so booked myself a hol to Kenya for Mar, and Id set march as a benchmark, but !!! end Jan wasnt well, the gp diagnosed kidney infection, he was jubious to prescribe malaria tablets, a week later no better, so thought do a pregnancy test so I could rule it out, but the line turned blue. We'd been together less than 8 weeks, he had told me he was a jaffa (seedless), but he was wrong. One ngt I had missed call on mobile rang it back, and found out that my exs wife hadnt left him she was in prison serving a year for fraudlent accounting and theft from the business she worked in. he eventually confessed it was true, but as I was pregnant I tried to make best bad job, he threatened the midwife, upset the doctors at the hospital, followed me into the toilet at the hospital, i couldnt get 5 mins to myself, then the violence started, being pinned up against a wall, being held down in bed by my hair, was sexually assaulted, by this time I had got a solicitor on board, but had to stay in the relationship until he did enough that would be enough to keep him away from the child when born.
by the time I was 6 mths he was distant, but wouldnt let me need a life, he had threatened to kill my parents, id been held in the house against my will. Because of ill health, I ended going off work at 8 weeks gone and never went back, when I was 7 mths gone we had a blazing row, he threatened to kill me, I just snapped, got the police involved, the hospital had got social services involved as they were looking into taking the baby off me becoz of him.
How the hell I found the strength to get away from him, I'll never know, I was diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder, with flashbacks due to a violent relationship. For my own safety and that of the hospital staff, i had to be induced a week early, all for a cruel bully, all he had been doing was lining his nest, as all the time I was pregnant, he had been using the baby to get himself a house from the council for when his wife come out of prison, apparently she was realised early. He only made one attempt to contact his daughter when she was 3 mths old he wanted him and his wife to have her twice a week. Over my dead body, luckly I had a good solicitor.

It took a long time for me to get my life back together, my daughter has never spent a bday at home, we have to go away I find it to tramatic, for the 1st 2 years I wouldnt leave the house without anyone with me, id feel safer walking down a street in a foreigh country than I do in my own town, its stupid.

I finally got my life back together 4 yrs after my daughter was born, I still suffer with PTSD and depression, but i started working as a mystery shopper, only casual but it got me out of the house, I started an Open Uni course in 2006, I was lucky, due to low income I had my courses paid for, computer grant etc, my xmas last yr I have achieved a Certificate in Business and a Certificate in Law, Im still studying as I would like to turn all this into a degree, and then i would like to help people.

We had quite a few steps back last yr, I bumped into my ex, the 1st time since we had split, after that I had a letter from his parents, via my old solicitors, apparently they had been trying to be proper grandparents, but my ex had given them a !!!! and bull story, so I agreed to indirect contact, but I wasnt ready to meet them, a month later they turned up in my home town, I felt obliged to meet them as they had come ova from Ireland and I met my exs brother, they seemed so different to my ex, stayed in contact I wouldnt let them have contact with my daughter, set in ground rules that in a yr or so, review the situation. What a surprise after meeting them my ex started turning up at the places I had told his family I took daughter to, they blamed me for everything, I was mucking them around, they were asked not to send anything direct to dd, but no not good enough, with all the stress it triggered off PTSD again, so finally Jan this yr - solicitors letter to them saying, they or thier sone breached my confidence and put our security at risk, I still dont feel safe.
My ex packed in work so he doesnt have to pay CSA, all he ever brought for my daughter was 1 baby grow. At least I can hold my head up high, Im in debt, a lot of that was my fault and interest etc, Im getting there slowly, as they say Rome wasnt built in a day.

I still avoid relationships, there was a guy I met 4 yrs ago while on hol, we stayed in touch as friends, the weird thing is he would give me the world, but I have to keep my lives seperate, Ive spoke to his friends, his mum, yet all I can give him is my mobile number. he knows about my daughter, as Ive never hidden her, but I dont want a stream of uncles coming in through the front dr out the rear and replaced by the next.
I try and have a wk a yr to myself, (we live with my parents), that I can be normal, I can be me the person, not the person who suffers from PTSD, has that much baggage that the scales would go get off and weigh one at a time, in time I'll let my 2 lives meet, but at the moment its never the twain shall meet.

Apologies for babbling on, just felt a weight has lifted off my shoulders, as family and friends know bits and dads, but not the whole story, so thank you all xx

Your a very courageous woman.Your daughter will be so proud of you:T

mum2one

traveller wrote: »

Your a very courageous woman.Your daughter will be so proud of you:T

:T
Thank you so much, the smile that brought me, meant more than if someone had told me Id won the lottery.

Shes an absolute little star, Im so proud of her xx