Calling All Single Parents

Diamond78

rachelja wrote: »

Hello everyone, can I join too? Recently became a lone parent in Nov last year when ds was only 7 weeks old and dd 4 years old. Divorcing him. Finding it tough but hoping things can only get easier.

Hiya, ofcourse you can join.Sorry to hear your finding it tough,I know ppl always say it but it will get easier.It takes time and patience.It is difficult but in the long wrong you will look back and see what a fab mum you are.Single mums or dads seem to be labeled a lot but they dont know the facts or just how hard it is.But I promise it will get easier as times goes by.Hugs x

Gracielongdrink

Thanks such kind words of encouragement Diamond. very well done to you constantly fighting against the odds under severe pressure and circumstances. heck we single parents would do a damned good job running this country eh !!
I think with your SD and with mine what goes around comes around i'm a firm believer in karma. Just stay true to what you believe to be the best for them bairns. i did used to insist they saw SD for about a year but it didn't sit well with me and i let them make their own minds up it seems to have been the right move especially the youngest he said he was really looking forward to xmas last year because he didn't have to go there. SD said i'd poisoned (sp) thiers mind against him but in all honesty i didn't have to it was plain to see, kids know where their not really wanted.
have been reading this thread for a long time only just got the courage to add my bit. thanks for the welcome, much appreciated.

Gracielongdrink

rachelja wrote: »

Hello everyone, can I join too? Recently became a lone parent in Nov last year when ds was only 7 weeks old and dd 4 years old. Divorcing him. Finding it tough but hoping things can only get easier.

Hi Rachelja
Although its hard coping with everything on your own you will get through it and it does get better once everything is sorted and settled and you know whats expected of you, i did and i didn't think i had it in me, you'll be surprised at your strength and resilience. be gentle with yourself and take your time to re-adjust to your new life, your gonna be okay. well done already for coping so far must be hard with such a young baby, good luck, keep posting.

Diamond78

Gracielongdrink wrote: »

Thanks such kind words of encouragement Diamond. very well done to you constantly fighting against the odds under severe pressure and circumstances. heck we single parents would do a damned good job running this country eh !!
I think with your SD and with mine what goes around comes around i'm a firm believer in karma. Just stay true to what you believe to be the best for them bairns. i did used to insist they saw SD for about a year but it didn't sit well with me and i let them make their own minds up it seems to have been the right move especially the youngest he said he was really looking forward to xmas last year because he didn't have to go there. SD said i'd poisoned (sp) thiers mind against him but in all honesty i didn't have to it was plain to see, kids know where their not really wanted.
have been reading this thread for a long time only just got the courage to add my bit. thanks for the welcome, much appreciated.

Thanks hun.I beleive in karma too and what goes around comes around.Its taking ages though lol but still I know SD's time will come.I cant allow him to come into my sons life when he feels like it and leave the next.He has had 6 years to be a dad and he has had so many chances, I should of stopped contact a long time ago but I was weak then.Unfortunatly I never had no support from family and friends but now Im stronger than ever when it comes to him.I know he will never change.I know in my heart I have tried to help him, encouraged both SD and son and I have done my bit. I have so many times told him to go court for access as I wont let him have son on his own but he refuses as I want him to have supervised visits.He can afford court costs but saying that all his money goes on drugs.Im hopefully going to move soon, he knows where I live as I told him thinking he had changed but he proved this a while back when he got abusive.I dont need him putting me down, making nasty comments about me.I am better than that.When I move, he wont know where I live.I will be changing my number to.His parents have nothing to do with my son either.I would take my son to them but they have never ever gone out there way to come and see him so I am not going to bother with them like they dont bother with my son.It gets me angry how they can get away not loving such lovely inocent children.We are so better than them all, atleast we have a heart and are better parents than them.
Thats what I would say to all single parents, you are so much better than your ex.Dont let them get to you coz they will try to do that.Some single parents are lucky to have an understanding ex whom you can stay friends with.But for some like us,we just have to get on with life like the ex doesnt exist.Time is a great healer and as time goes by life will get easier and you will get stronger.x

System

Can I ask about benefits? Am I right in thinking that even as a lone-parent on IS I need to wait 39 weeks before I get help with my mortgage? Had a look on the shelter website and it said maybe 8 weeks if your partner had died or left. What if I kicked him out? .............Question might be irrelevant by the time 39 weeks is up.......I bought the house, put down 75% deposit now he has said he would rather burn it down than let me and the kids live in it.......looks like I got a fight on my hands....

yoni_one

rachelja wrote: »

Can I ask about benefits? Am I right in thinking that even as a lone-parent on IS I need to wait 39 weeks before I get help with my mortgage? Had a look on the shelter website and it said maybe 8 weeks if your partner had died or left. What if I kicked him out? .............Question might be irrelevant by the time 39 weeks is up.......I bought the house, put down 75% deposit now he has said he would rather burn it down than let me and the kids live in it.......looks like I got a fight on my hands....

Hi, another single parent joining the party here :j

rachelja, I dont know the answer to your question but I would suggest you seek advice from welfare rights, they are pretty on the ball with this stuff. Also if your Ex is actually making threats regarding the property you should report it. (I work for womens aid and so many partners think statements like this are said in jest until something serious happens). Good luck with your battle, stay strong.

My own loneparentism started 17 years ago, I have one amazing son (not perfect as he is a typical teenager) but I do feel sad that he didnt have a positive male role model in his life. Through my own insistance (because not only did I want them to get to know each other but I also needed me time) they have spent regular time together and continue to do so now out of choice (or habit) I know there is love between them but they have little in common because the ex never did introduce my son to his own interests (he preferred to keep his sporting activities purely to his 'own' time) which is a shame I guess.

Anyway, his dad has never shirked his financial responsibilities so while his maintenance provided for a modest home for his son I returned to education to do a degree and improve my own chances of gaining good employment. I now have a good job that I truly enjoy and hopefully helped mould the education expectations my son now has (it has never occurred to him not to go to uni which is pretty good given the general youth culture on the council estate where we live).

For the life of me I cannot understand why lone parents are stigmatised, two people participated in making the child, any one who was not a virgin when they married, or whose partner did not die or desert them or be abusive to them could have found themselves in this position, there are many reasons why it is not in the interest of the child for parents to stay together yet usually it is the mother who loses out on advancing in her career and full pension. It is really hard raising a child single handed, the rewards are there but lets not kid ourselves on how difficult it can be, especially for those without further support.

Thank you for starting this thread, it has been refreshing to read the stories of other lone parents.

Frith

Rachelja,

Yes, I had to wait 39 weeks to get help towards paying my mortgage. Now the interest part is paid for me (which is the majority in my case) and I pay the repayment bit myself.

Anyway, I am a single parent so is it OK if I join?

I have been single since Jan 2005 and have 2 sons aged 7 and 4. Their father is not really very nice (very abusive when living with us so in the end we went to a women's refuge).

Since leaving he has also made life very difficult. He hired a transit van while we were in the refuge and cleared the house. (Down to the tea and coffee!). He emptied the saving accounts including my sons'. He hasn't worked in 3.5 years and stopped claiming benefits so the CSA couldn't take £5 per week from his benefits to give to his sons.

His other trick is taking me to court every two minutes. For 3 years he was going for sole residency, to get my sons back and the house. He called social services about me, said I had a gay lover etc etc. He has not actually been very nice to the boys since leaving, although the level of nastiness varies and has already lost one girlfriend (by cutting up her underwear in front of my sons) and beaten up his mother.

About me... I am 32, have 2 degrees and DID have quite a good job from which I was sacked when I eventually got ptsd and depression. I decided to take this enforced "career break" to get better and re-train so have been volunteering in 2 schools for a year and taking an NVQ. I might possibly end up a teacher...

Liz

Diamond78

yoni_one wrote: »

Hi, another single parent joining the party here :j

rachelja, I dont know the answer to your question but I would suggest you seek advice from welfare rights, they are pretty on the ball with this stuff. Also if your Ex is actually making threats regarding the property you should report it. (I work for womens aid and so many partners think statements like this are said in jest until something serious happens). Good luck with your battle, stay strong.

My own loneparentism started 17 years ago, I have one amazing son (not perfect as he is a typical teenager) but I do feel sad that he didnt have a positive male role model in his life. Through my own insistance (because not only did I want them to get to know each other but I also needed me time) they have spent regular time together and continue to do so now out of choice (or habit) I know there is love between them but they have little in common because the ex never did introduce my son to his own interests (he preferred to keep his sporting activities purely to his 'own' time) which is a shame I guess.

Anyway, his dad has never shirked his financial responsibilities so while his maintenance provided for a modest home for his son I returned to education to do a degree and improve my own chances of gaining good employment. I now have a good job that I truly enjoy and hopefully helped mould the education expectations my son now has (it has never occurred to him not to go to uni which is pretty good given the general youth culture on the council estate where we live).

For the life of me I cannot understand why lone parents are stigmatised, two people participated in making the child, any one who was not a virgin when they married, or whose partner did not die or desert them or be abusive to them could have found themselves in this position, there are many reasons why it is not in the interest of the child for parents to stay together yet usually it is the mother who loses out on advancing in her career and full pension. It is really hard raising a child single handed, the rewards are there but lets not kid ourselves on how difficult it can be, especially for those without further support.

Thank you for starting this thread, it has been refreshing to read the stories of other lone parents.

Hi,
Welcome to the thread. Well done for how well you have done in bringing up your son. I know very well how hard it is to cope as I have no family support close by me, so I have struggled quite a bit. I became a single parent as my ex partner was violent and very abusive. Although I escaped the violence and abuse, I still gave him chance after chance to be a dad to DS but unfortunatly he showed no interest to DS. I tried really hard, even though ex had put me and DS through hell, I still encouraged DS to speak to him in the phone but ex wouldnt know what to say, after a few seconds he always says put your mum on the phone. He wants to know DS when it suits him, he wouldnt bother for months and months then suddenly would get in touch being all nice, apologetic then would try and sweet talk me. Then it wont be long before he rings me drunk giving me abuse.DS is now 6, he has no contact as again ex is on one of his long running rinking binges and still working getting good pay.He still gets away with not providing. He has taken all my confidence, my self respect away from me when he bullied me to the ground.But I have got through it and yes I am still suffering the aftermath, I have got over the worst part and bought up my son to be a lovely, polite and loving child. My son has suffered to along the way and I feel for my son as he is missing out on a father figure.I only have my brother who doesnt live close by and we dont really see much of each other due to his work. But I make the effort so my son can have a positive role model in his life which is a male.Im lucky that my sons teacher is a male to but I still feel it must hurt them when they see other kids with their dads!!!I would never want my son to feel that sadness.DS says he doesnt want to talk to ex on the phone,as much as I encourage him I will not force him anymore.I use to but now hes older I feel I am pressuring him when I shouldnt have to anymore.He has never ever taken DS son out on his won, he has never ever done anything with him.Sometimes people dont realise what some ex's can put us through.It goes for both female and male. My brother says to me that I have been single long now, DS would love a brother or sister in the future, he says that I should start to consider and think that I should meet someone ect ect. Sometimes I feel like Im being spoken to like a child. I dont need a man full stop. I feel very untrusting of men. I know they are not all the same but when you are use to being on your own, its so much easier. I know It would be nice to be in love again,have all those nice feelings ect but I just dont feel ready, I dont think I will ever be ready.Why is it when a single parent decides to stay a single parent for so long its looked at weirdly?? I dont want to rush in to anything. I have managed fine on my own and had made me more independent and determined.

Diamond78

ACEY wrote: »

Rachelja,

Yes, I had to wait 39 weeks to get help towards paying my mortgage. Now the interest part is paid for me (which is the majority in my case) and I pay the repayment bit myself.

Anyway, I am a single parent so is it OK if I join?

I have been single since Jan 2005 and have 2 sons aged 7 and 4. Their father is not really very nice (very abusive when living with us so in the end we went to a women's refuge).

Since leaving he has also made life very difficult. He hired a transit van while we were in the refuge and cleared the house. (Down to the tea and coffee!). He emptied the saving accounts including my sons'. He hasn't worked in 3.5 years and stopped claiming benefits so the CSA couldn't take £5 per week from his benefits to give to his sons.

His other trick is taking me to court every two minutes. For 3 years he was going for sole residency, to get my sons back and the house. He called social services about me, said I had a gay lover etc etc. He has not actually been very nice to the boys since leaving, although the level of nastiness varies and has already lost one girlfriend (by cutting up her underwear in front of my sons) and beaten up his mother.

About me... I am 32, have 2 degrees and DID have quite a good job from which I was sacked when I eventually got ptsd and depression. I decided to take this enforced "career break" to get better and re-train so have been volunteering in 2 schools for a year and taking an NVQ. I might possibly end up a teacher...

Liz

Hi Liz,
Im sorry to hear that you to have suffered.This is the thing with some abusive ex's.They will try and spite you but trying to do everything they can to bring you down, but good on you girl for what you have achieved.You have done so well. I am starting college at the end of this month to do a teaching assistant course NVQ2. I am dreading it in a way as I have suffered really bad depression and have not worked since I was pregnant. I have read some other threads and some ppl have been really nasty with the comments . I dont want to get called names due to not working.I have suffered abuse of my ex, had to move around but now my son is a little older things are a bit easier. I have had to wait for my son to be full time at school so I could do the course.My depression is still an issue but am getting help for that.So it has taken me a long time.I have never had the help of any family of mine or ex's.My mum lives abroad and my dad died a few years back. I would love to have the ideal family with lots of family memebrs but its sad we dont.I make sure my son has a happy upbringing but sometimes I cant help but feel sad like on xmas day.Even though my son is happy on that day, I cant help but sometimes feels the sadness of having that family around me like most people do.I know if I had family support and a family background I would of got better quicker and would of had help with childcare things would of been a lot easier. We should all be proud of how well we have coped and how far we have got.Think of the rewards as our children get older. We do deserve to be treated for our hard work.So I think we should all make an agreement and set a goal and treat ourselves to something special in a months time or so.

yoni_one

Diamond, kudos to you for managing to flee from the domestic abuse, there are so many barriers that get in the way of leaving, even in my job it still always amazes me when women find the courage to do so.

I also admire your efforts to keep the contact going between your ex and DS (what does DS stand for btw?) however it is now widely acknowledged that domestic violence and abuse is in itself a form of child abuse so it is probably for the best that you have given up trying.

For some reason people do think we need men in our lives to complete us so it is not uncommon for your brother to make that assumption. I am sorry that your experiences have left deep scars but it does sound that you are on a healthy road to recovery and I really do hope you find it within you trust again tho do understand just how difficult that can be.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme? We run it from our refuge for women who have been or still are targets of DV & A and the feedback is really positive. I believe the programme can be accessed nationally and it really really helps people to better understand some of the choices they made and increases confidence and self-esteem. If you are interested your local refuge could probably direct you to where it is offered. Also at our refuge we have adult and children's outreach workers and a childrens group where the focus is not on what happened but more on allowing kids to express their feelings. I can highly recommend both if they are available in your area. We deal with children who have been away from the abuse for ages yet still gain much from it without 'bringing it all back up again' so to speak. If you are interested in knowing more you are welcome to PM me or find out details of your local office at www.womensaid.org.uk

It's great to hear that you seem to be enjoying and embracing your independence, I bet once upon a time you could never have imagined having come so far. Respect.