Money Moral Dilemma: How do I persuade my children to pay rent once they're home from university?

Sillyrules

The way I see it is all you're doing it stopping your kids saving and trying to get ahead in life with the chaotic costs of everything in today's world of trying to get your own place, and potentially keeping them stuck under your roof for a lot longer because of how little they may have spare to save.
People have this illusion that because you've not paid board or had your own place with bills that somehow you wouldn't be able to cope paying maintenance and bills when you get your own place which is never the case. People need to get over themselves. It's really not so difficult to figure out and all the information is available online.
I get the reasons why you may want to charge them the price to rent a room somewhere else, but they are likely coming back home to try get something behind them if you've not been in a position to help them financially get a foothold in life. Older generations have had it easier and are the most spoilt and selfish people that they think of themselves before helping their own kids out (might not be the case here, but I know this all to well) but couldn't you just ask them to cover money towards the food and the electricity/gas costs, and tell them to put the rest into savings with the intention of giving them a couple of years to save up and move out? People who got their homes for 30k or less really have no idea what nearly 200k plus for a place is like in today's world to afford based on wages, which has only increased £4 per hour in my adult lifetime, despite rising costs on a constant. Hence why I said older generations have been spoilt and lapped it all up and now look down on the youth with incredible selfishness. Help your kids get ahead and they'll thank you for it in the future when you need their support in old age, they might not make you a priority. Just a thought 

Lowry1986

You appear to have raised your children to become successful independent adults.  Their years at university proves that. Your mistake is that you appear to believe you now need to persuade them of that. I do not think persuasion should be necessary. Tell them that you are proud of what they have achieved, but achievements that must now enable them to begin to pay their way in life and live as the successful independant adults you believe they have become.
Seems to me its time to be firm otherwise I guess they will come home and 'rule the roost'. Set out what you see as a fair and reasonable contribution to running your home with all that involves, as well as the ground rules that will enable them to make a full contribution to living together in harmony!
They have had several years of living in a manner that suits them and its pretty obvious that they believe they can bully you into using your home as a means to continue life in any way they choose including full board and lodging at zero cost to them.
Trust me. Time to be firm. Set out your accommodation rate and set out your ground rules for living together or you will come to regret it.
If they can do better elsewhere that fine, don't fall out, tell you are more than happy for them to exercise their new found independence that was always your parental aim for them.

Ed264

You're getting different opinions with this one. All I would say here is that they're possibly up to their neck in debt with university fees.

riding_pink

Why is it you’re charging rent? And at the going rate? If you need to, fine. If to teach them life lessons, explain that but then if you’re charging the going rate, even with free laundry, remember they’re entitled to feel that they can treat the place like they would renting on their own - bringing people home, parties, cleaning up when suits them - as they would if they went and rented their own place (why live with you at full rate without freedom). They’re used to living away, and budgeting with grants/loans. Life is hard enough for young people now, if parents can make it easier, why wouldn’t they? Doesn’t mean you don’t expect them to help around the home, or save if you don’t charge or if you charge a nominal amount. 

My parents didn’t charge me rent as I saved and they wanted to give me the opportunity to do so. I had a sibling who wasn't  quite so good with money who was charged rent and then gifted it back. 

Pollycat

Ed264 said:

You're getting different opinions with this one. All I would say here is that they're possibly up to their neck in debt with university fees.

But they may never get jobs with a high enough salary to have to pay back those university loans.

As someone whose parents took my wages off me (physically) when I started work and then gave me 'spending money' and bus fares (back in 1970), I do agree with adults living with their parents paying towards costs.

But I don't agree with charging 'the going rate' for rooms.

How does the originator of this MMD expect their kids to pay 'the going rate' whilst they are exploring 'their next step in life'.

As always with MMD, there is insufficient information.
Do they have jobs?
Part time or full time?

If it were me, I'm stubborn enough to say 'I'll give my money to a landlord rather than you' especially if a room is available closer to a place of work or social amenities.

Both sides are in the wrong here.
If my parents wanted to charge me 'the going rate' when returning from university, I'd be off.
But if I was a parent, there'd be no way a child would live free in my house once they were adults.

Maybe if the originator of this MMD revised their plans, they'd find the kids more amenable to pay.

dirtmother

A lot of people here not understanding how various things work eg when student loan repayments kick in.
There's no mention in the letter of whether these shiny new graduates have jobs to go to or how they have been funded through university (TBH I really don't think it helps that parents (and even resident partners of parents) are expected to fund adults under 25, no wonder everyone gets confused)

My hunch is that where you have gone wrong is in expecting market rent (and calling it that) and from the start rather than saying in X months (even the student loan system doesn't expect people to start paying back student loans immediately however well paid a job they might be lucky enough to walk into) 

I feel there is a good deal to be said for requiring some financial contribution which you then return to them at some later date (although watch out for accumulating savings which would be a problem for any benefits of your own) - whether you say it is towards bills or whatever. But watch out for this market rent stuff because if you treat them like tenants they may treat you like a landlord and be less tolerant of anything that isn't fixed immediately.

Mind you, a relative of mine moved home to save money and is kind of bankrolled. However, as it turns out, they have provided huge amounts of unpaid care. In residential care (which would otherwise have been needed long ago) funds would have run out which would likely mean a move to a cheaper place. 

mummystudent

silvercar said:

Would you actually take lodgers if your children weren’t coming home? If not, then any money you charge, over and above the extra costs that having them home brings, is making a profit out of them. I couldn’t do that.

To some extent it depends on the circles they (and you) move in, none of my friends would have thought of charging their offspring, we were just delighted they came back home. 

Knowing there is always a welcome to come back home, actually encourages them to test their wings.

This simply isn’t true. Firstly, charging children rent isn’t making profit, my son has just returned home from university having just finished his degree. I’m not charging him rent however I e notice a staggering rise in my electricity bill not to mention my food bill. If I were to charge him for these then I wouldn’t be making profit, he would be paying for out of pocket expenses. One of the most obvious costs in my household is the change to the council tax, his return has seen a 25% increase due to no longer receiving a single persons discount. 

If I were to charge him to cover these costs  then this wouldn’t be a profit.

i think you’re correct in that it does depend on the circles you move in. I’m a university lecturer but didn’t get my PhD until much later in life. I’m working class with no privileged cushion / support when starting out. This is relevant because I’ve noticed a massive difference in the approach taken by my colleagues (specifically wealthy middle class colleagues) and many of the students I teach and the approach taken by my family. It’s the wealthy ones who are charging rent and have quite strong opinions about doing so. Their position is that it’s part of parenting to teach basic budgeting life skills. These are all kids who will have deposits provided by their parents and have allowances more than my disposable income. I find it a notable difference, I’ve not charged my son rent (although he’s asking to discuss it) and many of my family haven’t charged their adult children rent. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet but what I have figured out whilst writing this is that if my son links feeling loved and welcome in the family home to whether or not i ask him to contribute financially I’ll be having a serious think about my parenting and about the man I’ve raised him to be. 

whydoineedone

I didn’t take anything. The aim was to help them save for a mortgage and they all now own their homes. We were lucky enough to be able to do this. 

Pennypitstop123

You don't have to persuade them, they are old enough to know that they are now independent adults and need to contribute to the family home. They will continue on this free ride as long as you allow it. You are not doing them any favours letting them live freely even if they are on Universal credit until they get employment they should pay something, my Grandson who lives with me pays me £25 a week as he is on an apprenticeship. 
Time to enter the big wide world of adulthood !.

MattMattMattUK

I did not go to uni, but I was working full time and studying part time at 18, I remember the absolute friction that suddenly being asked to pay rent (though my parents wanted to call it "board") caused. The day after my 18th my mum said she wanted me to start paying rent and I remember thinking why, as it had never been discussed, no attempt to explain other than "you are 18 and working", choosing to ignore I was working forty hours a week but also studying twenty hours a week. Apparently I got all my laundry done for me (I did almost all of my own), I ate lots of food (I bought more food than I ate and regularly cooked for everyone) and "used a lot of electricity" (which also made no sense as I was not at home that much).

I pointed out that I also mowed the lawn every week in when the grass grew, did the majority of the other gardening, clearing leaves from the trees that fell into the garden etc. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom every week, vacuumed the whole house and mopped the hard floors at least once a week, did other cleaning. I did most of the maintenance, decorating (it seemed at least one room every two months needed painting for some reason), usually buying those materials myself but apparently that "did not count". So I said fine and paid the rent and stopped everything else, after itemising out the cost and pointing out that if a gardener, cleaner and decorator were employed to do the work, the extra food I provided etc. it would easily add up to far more that would be the rent if I rented a room elsewhere. 

After a few months of the garden becoming overgrown, no paid for and cooked roast dinner every Sunday, no other meals provided and cooked 2-3 other evenings a week, maintenance and decorating not getting done (or one room paying a decorator a lot of money to do it), the house being a lot less clean and tidy without me doing regularly cleaning (I cleaned up after myself, not not after other people or in general) my mum begrudgingly admitted that "you might have done more than I realised", my dad still refused to acknowledge it. What made it worse was that my sister did not have to pay despite earning more than me, not studying at the same time and doing almost nothing at home. 

It was one of those things that my parents did that seemed designed to drive a wedge between us, I would urge other parents not to do the same.