Please god help, 60k in debt and feeling suicidal

ManyWays

I assume your savings from your inheltance ran out a while ago.
That benefits line is child benefit plus UC?
What does your partner earn at the moment?  I assume you have made this as a joint claim.

Groceries etc. ......................... 200

Clothing................................ 0

Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0

Other child related expenses............ 0

These lines look too low. even if your partner is paying 200 to groceries, that isn't enough for food, toiletries, cleaning stuff, and everything else you get from a supermarket.

EssexHebridean

@ManyWays Eleanor’s husband has asked to be left out of the SOA so it’s not really appropriate to ask about his earnings. 

And yes - the £100 a week as it has been explained for groceries will be fine for them. As witness there has already been several references to Eleanor being able to potentially create herself some slack in the budget on her shopping weeks. 

Eleanor something you do need to be alert to are the months where there are five weeks from a shopping point of view. Probably worth going through your calendar and marking those us when the additional shop would theoretically fall to you - although if at that stage you have to simply say “my income this month has already all gone out on other bills and food - I have no more money to spend” then so be it. I assume your husband wouldn’t actively let the rest of you starve at that point! 

eleanorl89

ManyWays said:

I assume your savings from your inheltance ran out a while ago.
That benefits line is child benefit plus UC?
What does your partner earn at the moment?  I assume you have made this as a joint claim.

Groceries etc. ......................... 200

Clothing................................ 0

Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0

Other child related expenses............ 0

These lines look too low. even if your partner is paying 200 to groceries, that isn't enough for food, toiletries, cleaning stuff, and everything else you get from a supermarket.

Yes it did, hence the living of credit

Yes both together. Yes, although I aren’t yet receiving the additional CB or UC for my newborn, but that figure is what i should technically get i believe? I have put the CB claim in but waiting for confirmation 

I have an appointment at the job centre next week to confirm everything & our situation with UC. Including my new bank details that I set up. Also to discuss that i may go back to work a couple of days a month as of february to try help sort our situation. 

My Husbands wage also fluctuates atm depending on work. Hopefully come the next few months, his hours will have picked back up as well as his income.

EssexHebridean

How will you deal with childcare if you were to go back to work?

eleanorl89

EssexHebridean said:

@ManyWays Eleanor’s husband has asked to be left out of the SOA so it’s not really appropriate to ask about his earnings. 

And yes - the £100 a week as it has been explained for groceries will be fine for them. As witness there has already been several references to Eleanor being able to potentially create herself some slack in the budget on her shopping weeks. 

Eleanor something you do need to be alert to are the months where there are five weeks from a shopping point of view. Probably worth going through your calendar and marking those us when the additional shop would theoretically fall to you - although if at that stage you have to simply say “my income this month has already all gone out on other bills and food - I have no more money to spend” then so be it. I assume your husband wouldn’t actively let the rest of you starve at that point! 

He’s basically told me this afternoon that he isn’t sure he sees a future in the relationship as he’s struggling to get past my betrayal. On one hand I can’t blame him, on the other I’m very blindsided due to his initial positive reaction. It’s as i feared he was trying to ease me into this conversation with previous comments

We’ll have a further chat tonight when our eldest goes to bed

In other news I spoke to MBNA & Natwest today & both of them were absolutely INCREDIBLE (couldnt get through to barclaycard). Basically assured me that court action was not going to happen. Natwest said even if i could pay just £1 towards the debt when its passed to the agency, then that would be more than likely acceptable 

MBNA were so so understanding. The girl I spoke to was so lovely. She reassured me & said i don’t have to make any payments at the moment, just keep in touch with them & let them know if my circumstances change

The weight off my shoulders is absolutely incredible. It almost makes me see clearer (now the anxiety has eased) that perhaps what was scaring me the most was my husbands reaction, he’s always been very funny with money - I’m obviously the complete opposite but will definitely be different now. Anyway, if he really wants this relationship to end, i can’t stop it & i will focus on my mental & financial recovery along with my beautiful children. I have so much to be grateful for

If i return to work my parents will help with the kids, they already have my eldest one day a week. So will have my youngest on the same day. I’m just not sure if I feel ready to leave her yet as she’s BF

kimwp

eleanorl89 said:

EssexHebridean said:

@ManyWays Eleanor’s husband has asked to be left out of the SOA so it’s not really appropriate to ask about his earnings. 

And yes - the £100 a week as it has been explained for groceries will be fine for them. As witness there has already been several references to Eleanor being able to potentially create herself some slack in the budget on her shopping weeks. 

Eleanor something you do need to be alert to are the months where there are five weeks from a shopping point of view. Probably worth going through your calendar and marking those us when the additional shop would theoretically fall to you - although if at that stage you have to simply say “my income this month has already all gone out on other bills and food - I have no more money to spend” then so be it. I assume your husband wouldn’t actively let the rest of you starve at that point! 

He’s basically told me this afternoon that he isn’t sure he sees a future in the relationship as he’s struggling to get past my betrayal. On one hand I can’t blame him, on the other I’m very blindsided due to his initial positive reaction. It’s as i feared he was trying to ease me into this conversation with previous comments

We’ll have a further chat tonight when our eldest goes to bed

In other news I spoke to MBNA & Natwest today & both of them were absolutely INCREDIBLE (couldnt get through to barclaycard). Basically assured me that court action was not going to happen. Natwest said even if i could pay just £1 towards the debt when its passed to the agency, then that would be more than likely acceptable 

MBNA were so so understanding. The girl I spoke to was so lovely. She reassured me & said i don’t have to make any payments at the moment, just keep in touch with them & let them know if my circumstances change

The weight off my shoulders is absolutely incredible. It almost makes me see clearer (now the anxiety has eased) that perhaps what was scaring me the most was my husbands reaction, he’s always been very funny with money - I’m obviously the complete opposite but will definitely be different now. Anyway, if he really wants this relationship to end, i can’t stop it & i will focus on my mental & financial recovery along with my beautiful children. I have so much to be grateful for

If i return to work my parents will help with the kids, they already have my eldest one day a week. So will have my youngest on the same day. I’m just not sure if I feel ready to leave her yet as she’s BF

I'm sorry to hear this Eleanor. But please know that whatever happens, you will be fine. You may even be in a better situation financially, as he will be court ordered to support you more fairly!

But before that, hopefully you can work on things together - if you were both more open with and discussed your finances, you wouldn't be in this position and he wouldn't feel blind-sided. Personally, I'm inclined to blame him for expecting you to fund 50% of your life with no income, but that's probably not the best approach to take.

Great news about MBNA, and even better news that you are able to see a way through this and that it's not as scary as it seemed.

EssexHebridean

Oh Eleanor I’m sorry he’s taking that line. I’m rather with Kim on this -  after all had he been more financially aware he would have realised long ago that it’s not practical to expect a woman to give up her income to have your children, but still to be able to pay the same share of the family finances as she always has. It actually feels quite controlling to me that he’s wholly blaming you for the situation as well. 

I shouldn’t think you do feel ready to leave youngest - it would be very early days, but with luck one way or another it won’t come to that. It may be that when your husband starts talking to family members or mates about this they all universally tell him he’s being a twonk and to get his head out of his fundament - and he will realise quite how thoughtless he’s been, so things may work out for you to stay together anyway if that is what you want. If that does happen though I think you need to insist in a lot more openness and fairness in the way you operate your family finances. 

As and when you do return to work it’s great that your parents are able to help with childcare, too. 

Good that NatWest and MBNA are being reasonable about things - it sounds like that’s given you a lot of reassurance too.

Keep your head high - things will work out for the best, even if it might not quite feel that is possible right now.

ManyWays

EssexHebridean said:

@ManyWays Eleanor’s husband has asked to be left out of the SOA so it’s not really appropriate to ask about his earnings. 

She appeared to be getting a lot of benefits. Either his earnings are pretty low or, what I really wanted to rule out, she may have made a "single" claim for UC in error, which could be against the benefit rules.
She has confirmed she has made a joint claim, which is good. 

New_in_the_fens

Eleanor, you haven’t betrayed him - he’s been at the best naive, at the worst, controlling. Probably somewhere between. 

Make sure that you do nothing that undermines your security in your home - no agreements to be removed from the mortgage etc. 

As others have said, you’ll get through this, one way or another, and your children will be impressed at your resilience in the future. You’ve got this, I promise ❤️

kimwp

ManyWays said:

EssexHebridean said:

@ManyWays Eleanor’s husband has asked to be left out of the SOA so it’s not really appropriate to ask about his earnings. 

She appeared to be getting a lot of benefits. Either his earnings are pretty low or, what I really wanted to rule out, she may have made a "single" claim for UC in error, which could be against the benefit rules.
She has confirmed she has made a joint claim, which is good. 

I think it's sensible of ManyWays to ask these questions. Yes, we want to respect his request for his finances to not be in the SOA, but their finances are interlinked and we don't want Eleanor to be in trouble for incorrectly claiming universal credit.