Money Moral Dilemma: Should I borrow to help my husband pay off his debt?

Suzycoll

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My husband of just over a year (though we've been together for seven years) has got into £20,000 of debt. It's not clear how, although he's a generous person. I own the house we live in, and told him at the start of our relationship I didn't want any debt in the house. I don't earn a great salary, but I'm good with money and have savings. I've thought about getting a 0% credit card or a loan to help pay off his debt, but he struggles with confrontation and has walked out a couple of times, so I'm reluctant to take any of it on in case things don't work out. Should I help him?

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One word - NO

lauramolonlabe

Well my worry would be that you have no idea about how this debt was accrued, and if you put it on a 0% credit card would the debt continue to grow? The fact he refuses to talk about it is a definite red flag- everyone struggles with confrontation, but if we are adults and being honest we have to face confrontation sometimes.
The house belongs to you, but I think laying down the law saying you don't want any debt in the house is a little unreasonable. 
I personally would put it on a 0% credit card for him, but not help him with it any further. Also do not have a joint account with a man who refuses to talk about how he spends his money. Despite being married finances are separate these days- which makes staying together possible, if they weren't I'm afraid it wouldn't be.

Inge_Preston

Be supportive as much as he lets you, but do NOT take on any of the debt or the responsibility for clearing it, he has to be responsible for his finances, make sure his name isn’t put on the house or he will use it to borrow against and you could end up with no home, ive known people who almost lost their home when their partner did this, and other people who took on the repayment of the debt only to be left with the debt to repay and kids to bring up alone, when he found another sucker to bleed dry. £20,000 is a lot of money to not know where it went, he knows.

Jemma01

No, borrowing more money to address debt is not help. It is merely putting you in debt. Don't pay towards the debt either.

You can help him by figuring out ways to help him save, understand where his money is going, how he collected the debt to address root-cause , has he incurred more debt during the marriage, where you aware before you got married? Help him pay it off without paying and without getting into debt. He could incur more and you'd be wasting time.

I think since the marriage is something around the year, you can still escape without being responsible for his debt. The longer this drags on, the more debt he collect that you'll have to pay for under the marriage. If you weren't aware of it before marriage, I would exit and find out how this relationship can continue without debt liabilities.

JayLou1

NO! There are alarm bells here. Because you are even asking this question I suspect your gut instinct already knows the answer. 

He needs to accept his own responsibilities, pay the consequences and learn from it, change so it doesn’t happen again, and be totally open and honest with you. Well done for trying to confront him about it, but he won’t do it unless he wants to. It sounds like you’re very sensible with money so you could really help him with money advice, but don’t help him with actual money! It sounds like he has bigger issues, possibly as a people-pleaser that can’t do confrontation, so needs some psychotherapy, or debt related counselling as a minimum. He can’t keep sticking his head in the sand, for the sake of himself, you and your marriage. 

I was in a very similar situation and ended up with £30,000 of debt when I left a relationship, I’ve only just paid it off now 18 years later! Heaven knows how much it’s cost me in terms of interest and lost life experiences as well. 

Bear in mind that if you stay married and it doesn’t work out you could well lose your own financial stability. So it really needs to be sorted out asap. 

ShinyStarlight1

I think you need to protect yourself from financially drowning with him.

You can support him by helping him to create strategies to reduce his debt - there are helpful forums on here and debt reduction organisations elsewhere. 

Unfortunately it sounds like he isn’t taking responsibility for the state his personal finances are in. Perhaps he leaves the room because he feels some shame, which is sad.  But you must be strong and ringfence your money so that it doesn’t get dragged into that swamp too.

It’s very difficult, when we love someone,  to show care and support without enabling them in bad choices.

Sandy86

There's some bad advice on here. In terms of debt, you aren't liable because he had taken that in his own name. You may however be financially linked if you have a joint bank account etc. This shouldn't affect your credit score in and of itself, but in practice is likely to be taken into account, should you look into some form of borrowing. The better option would be for him to look into some kind of debt solution if he is finding it difficult to manage. If you have joint accounts, sign up to Experian or another of the big credit rating companies and you'll get an idea of how it's affecting you. 

In terms of the house there's no easy answer. If you decide to divorce the principle of fair share will likely apply and within that the length of the marriage will also be taken into account. Seems like you have some big conversations to have and thinking to do. Decide what's best for you.

On paper it would seem the current worries go beyond debt. Get informed. Seek out some legal advice and make your decisions from there.

Boomer53

You say the house is in your name. Don't bank on hanging onto it should you decide to go your separate ways. As he's lived there for a significant amount of time he now has rights to the property. If you have children you have a better chance of keeping it. I came short here when I got divorced. House in my name, she moved in, I lost the lot. My opinion - I think you should call it a day and find someone else.

ZeroSum

Matt8888 said:

When you married this became YOUR (plural) debt so, you should. However, I am not totally naive. But don't be married if you are not prepared to help. What if you became seriously ill or lost everything or whatever? Sadly, it does happen. Would you expect him to walk out and say he didn't sign up to that when you were married, and it's a problem he could do without and does not want to share?

Those aren't the same. This bloke is hiding something & is clearly lying about how the debt was accrued if he doesn't know.

Marriage is built on trust, and if the trust has gone, it's difficult to move forward 

ZeroSum

Boomer53 said:

You say the house is in your name. Don't bank on hanging onto it should you decide to go your separate ways. As he's lived there for a significant amount of time he now has rights to the property. If you have children you have a better chance of keeping it. I came short here when I got divorced. House in my name, she moved in, I lost the lot. My opinion - I think you should call it a day and find someone else.

If he hasn't contributed towards mortgage or any capital costs, then any claim on house is limited. Also what goes in her favour is he won't be able to afford a solicitor.

A friend of mine was married for about 15 years (similar situation, she racked up debts etc). He kept 100% of the house on the basis that he took on the debt, for her to walk away with a clean slate but no assets.