Money Moral Dilemma: Should I borrow to help my husband pay off his debt?

FruityP

Definitely not. His problem, not yours. He could walk out on you the day after his debt is paid, and you will be the one to pay it off for the next 10 or more years. You don’t amass debts like that overnight, so he must have an inkling of where it went?

bikaga

No, no, no, no, no. "It's not clear how" - he's somehow just "lost" 20k?!? Unlikely. And he walks out when you try and figure out what's what. He's clearly hiding something and blaming it on his peaceful, generous personality.

If he told you what happened and didn't run away I might say talk about it with a counselor and see if you can make it work, but from all you know, he could have a gambling problem, dependents to support that you don't know about, a habit of investing in bad business ideas, you have no way to tell. And whatever debt you take on yourself might end up in the same place. 

Try and separate your finances as best you can, try and figure out what's going on on his side, and for the love of baby Cthulhu don't have kids with him until you can actually trust him.

Anjington

Please don’t pay off his debt. The lack of openness, honesty and communication from him (regardless of his childhood history) is a massive red flag. 

It is completely reasonable, in a respectful relationship, to ask what the debt is from. It is also reasonable to help him resolve the issue, without having to use your credit-worthiness or house capital.

Lady_Gaia

Debt is normally the symptom of something deeper, and as much as you love him, taking on part of his debt may not be the best solution.

It seems like this is a very difficult subject for him; I would imagine there may be some complex emotions underpinning this as well (for me I felt a lot of shame about the fact I had got myself into such a mess) and guilt about how it affected those around me.

Maybe a tentative talk to see how you can help him help himself. I did this with my ex and also with my current husband. We looked at what was coming in, what needed to go out; and created a realistic plan for paying the debt off. With my ex it was as simple as sending a letter with our budget and offering a payment plan. Currently, with my husband as it was more complex we have gone into a DMP with Step Change. The main thing though is to be gentle and honest; without judgement. I know from experience how humiliated I felt when I first admitted the mess I had managed to get myself into.

Wishing you well. Many blessings x

sturgcl1

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My husband of just over a year (though we've been together for seven years) has got into £20,000 of debt. It's not clear how, although he's a generous person. I own the house we live in, and told him at the start of our relationship I didn't want any debt in the house. I don't earn a great salary, but I'm good with money and have savings. I've thought about getting a 0% credit card or a loan to help pay off his debt, but he struggles with confrontation and has walked out a couple of times, so I'm reluctant to take any of it on in case things don't work out. Should I help him?

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100% not, I speak from experience!  I bailed my husband out under similar circumstances.  No idea how he got into debt, but I took out a loan to pay off his £20k debt he couldn't manage as he was suggesting remortgaging!  A few years later, he has a breakdown & confesses to much more debt! With the £20k I had already taken on included it came to over £80k!!! Desperate we looked into an IVA to get this sorted. But because I had taken on his loan previously, we BOTH had to enter the IVA.  We were both blacklisted for 6 yrs and the stress broke down our relationship of 25 years!  We divorced a couple of years ago and I'm still furious that I took on his debt he hid from me & had to pay it off through the IVA well after he had gone! My credit score is awful now & I'm struggling far worse than he is!

IVA however was very good & I can highly recommend suggesting it to him as a solution for him alone!  It will force him to budget & appreciate money & will prevent further borrowing for 6 years.  It will also give him a way of sorting his mess out on his own which will likely help his mental health.

SJMacE

No
If you're good with money, help him to find the cheapest way to clear his debt...but do not take on his debt. I've seem far too many women left with such debts when relationships break down.

Keep your finances separate. Your credit score would be affected if you don't.

I had this experience with my own ex-husband. Prior to marrying I made my feelings on debt very clear. But 2yrs in I discovered he'd been lying to me. He never did admit the amount of this debt, but the one thing is learnt was to keep my own finances separate... I'm so glad I did. 

Honest open communication is essential in any relationship. He needs to find a way to have such discussions with you.

04Felix15

Everyone needs help at some point

if it was the other way around hand on heart, do you think your husband would help you? 
Also, you have not said if your husband even asked for your help. He may want to sort this himself. 


Anyway, If your hurt that he didn’t tell you about the debt and your questioning the marriage 1 year in, DEFINITELY DONT DO IT.  You both need to work on your marriage. Let him deal with his debt.  Hope everything works out in the end. 

EmsLee

Did you know of his debt before you married him, and how he incurred it? Was it his idea ,after being together for 7 years , to get married ? It seems he had a lot more to gain being married to you as you are more financially secure, and any assets( and debts)  would be divided up should you split up. I would point him in the direction of a Debt Counsellor, support him but don’t lend him money or borrow money to pay off his debts.

kathleenwarner160555

My fri nd did this for her husband 3 times he promised not to do it ever again and she took his debt on the mortgage last time and hey ho he has done it again , so this time Henie paying his debt on his own , good for her , I hope you don’t pay it …..

jax_bargains

Like others here that can see the big picture, my answer is a definate NO. This is not just about getting a credit card is it? If a person is £20k in debt, he cannot afford to be "generous". Generous with who? Not his wife, as she's "not clear" on how he got into debt. And if he's struggling to face up and discuss this without walking out I guarantee the debt will get worse, and as you're married you are responsible for half of it already. I suggest that you get divorced immediately for financial reasons (you can still live together) and legally separate all finances or you won't own that house you live in for very much longer.
He's not going to change, it will get worse.