Money Moral Dilemma: Should I borrow to help my husband pay off his debt?

sue.lewis

No. He needs to address his own debts, discuss with you how he got into debt and what his plans are to get out of it.  Ask for your help if needed but you have to be able to discuss money issues together as a married couple.  It's fundamental in your relationship, good luck

liselle

No, no, no - I write as one who spent many years paying off debts for my (now ex) husband.If you do it once, you’ll find he’ll build up further debts.Do you think he has a gambling problem? 

Leahjade

Firstly I’d see if he can get any consolidation of the debt or 0% cards in his name, but then yes, I would help him but with the understanding that you have full overview and access to his credit report and cards etc, so you can make sure he doesn’t continue racking up more debt. I’d start with about £5k consolidation if you have to do it in your name and then see how he gets on with paying it! Also I would sit down with him and write a list of his outgoings (honestly) and his income to see how the debt occurred and make him understand that it affects you both as you’re a team. 

He’s probably avoiding the difficult conversation because he feels ashamed and trapped. 

Ed264

Let's look at it sensibly. If he struggles with being confronted, he's probably stressed out with the matter. Did he happen to get into debt with the costs of this wedding, perhaps? Or has he bought a new car on finance? You probably won't get a 0% credit card transfer balance for £20,000. Don't get yourself into debt, this will only escalate the problem. Sit down together and talk it over.

1800trishy

If he can’t explain how the debt has occurred and reluctant to discuss the matter then definitely not! Taking out a card /loan will be down to you to pay back and he could walk away from his responsibilities. Sadly these things tend not to end well.

WillK

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My husband of just over a year (though we've been together for seven years) has got into £20,000 of debt. It's not clear how, although he's a generous person. I own the house we live in, and told him at the start of our relationship I didn't want any debt in the house. I don't earn a great salary, but I'm good with money and have savings. I've thought about getting a 0% credit card or a loan to help pay off his debt, but he struggles with confrontation and has walked out a couple of times, so I'm reluctant to take any of it on in case things don't work out. Should I help him?

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100% no,  until he tells you how the debt accrued, what he spent it on etc. and shows you the evidence 
Then, and only then can you decide whether to help him and probably whether to carry on the marriage.
You must get to the root cause of why this happened and if he continues to run away, then you have no choice.

keithyno.1

There are huge alarm bells ringing here. He's got into £20,000 debt but "it's not clear how??!!" That to me suggests your husband is being evasive and has not been truthful to you when you've quite reasonably asked how this situation has come about. 

You say he "struggles with confrontation and has walked out a couple of times" - this further makes me think he's hiding something from you. Could it be a gambling problem or a drug addiction he doesn't want to own up to?

Whatever, it's his debt he's run up and it's him that needs to deal with it. If I were you I'd insist on a heart-to-heart talk and a full, honest explanation from him as to how and why he's run up this debt. THEN you could insist he makes an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau to arrange debt counselling to work out a way forward - also insist that you go with him.

If he won't agree to any of this then I'd say your marriage is doomed. It's one thing to be careless and irresponsible with money and debt, but it's entirely another thing to be secretive and evasive about it. The LAST thing you should do is take on debt in your own name to help him to clear his, because it really could just be a case of throwing good money after bad.

jacquifef

Get together, make a budget and plan to stick to it so you can pay this off together. If you can do that it will be an awesome thing for your marriage, to help you grow together. I like Dave Ramsey’s Debt Snowball method - pay off smallest first regardless of interest because personal finance is mostly about your attitude, and getting in some quick wins will change the person paying off the debts, which is what you need. In my experience with debt I would say he probably feels ashamed and hopeless, and really needs support and unconditional love to make these changes. I do think you need to work together to work out how he got into these debts and how he can avoid it in the future. I have no credit cards and budget every penny every month because I need that accountability. 

Obeeone

No. Did you know about this debt before you married? This man is a millstone around your neck. Keep your finances separate. He could claim 50% of your house.

Emmia

Leahjade said:

Firstly I’d see if he can get any consolidation of the debt or 0% cards in his name, but then yes, I would help him but with the understanding that you have full overview and access to his credit report and cards etc, so you can make sure he doesn’t continue racking up more debt. I’d start with about £5k consolidation if you have to do it in your name and then see how he gets on with paying it! Also I would sit down with him and write a list of his outgoings (honestly) and his income to see how the debt occurred and make him understand that it affects you both as you’re a team. 

He’s probably avoiding the difficult conversation because he feels ashamed and trapped. 

This is a terrible idea. 

By taking an overview and potentially control of cards you're treating him like a child (and that's no basis for marriage).

He's a grown man old enough to hold down a relationship and get married. He's racked up debt, and now he needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with that debt.

The OP can point him at the debt free boards on here, and can offer non financial support, but should not take on any part of the debt.  

Consolidation via a loan or another card can also quickly double the debt, as loan payments will get made but spending (unless cards are closed) will undoubtedly continue on the cards... 

Hubby has to be ready to deal with the debt, the lightbulb moment needs to happen... If he remains in denial then the OP may wish to decide if they want to remain married.