Money Moral Dilemma: Should I borrow to help my husband pay off his debt?

RobM99

Definitely not. He'll repeat the debt - then what?    No. Non. Niet. Ne pas. Nein!

spreadsheeterapple

There is more of concern in the background than just the debt repayment issue. The person talks about the husband walking out, and that things might not work out. They are married, that is supposed to be permanent, vows were taken, "keep thee only unto him/her as long as ye both shall live"; that indicates both having agreed for it to be permanent. Those are not just pretty words said in a pretty building, they are permanent vows and never to be broken. Also "in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse"; all that. They're either married or not married, in total agreement for their life together, there is no inbetween.

Emmia

spreadsheeterapple said:

There is more of concern in the background than just the debt repayment issue. The person talks about the husband walking out, and that things might not work out. They are married, that is supposed to be permanent, vows were taken, "keep thee only unto him/her as long as ye both shall live"; that indicates both having agreed for it to be permanent. Those are not just pretty words said in a pretty building, they are permanent vows and never to be broken. Also "in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse"; all that. They're either married or not married, in total agreement for their life together, there is no inbetween.

So, would you (if you were in the OPs position) get divorced? Or at least consider divorce?

I am married, but whilst I am committed, there are some things which would make me at least consider divorce.

A mysterious debt that my spouse won't talk about how it is arisen, or that they (may) expect me to pay without themselves doing serious work on it would be circumstances where I would consider whether the marriage (or any relationship) was something I wanted to continue... Marriage is a commitment, but it needs to be an commitment on both sides. 

Ford34

definatly NO, when and how did he get a £20,000 debt??? stay well clear or you will end up with the debt.

Ford34

a very big definate NO, be very carefull with the house and any help you might offer him, the very harsh reality he might be able to claim half the house and even contents, Solicitors advice is needed-Urgently. make sure you have tracable evidence, who pays electric, gas, rates ,water and maintenance of the property, Freehold Lease hold?? again you need professional advice Urgently, do not loan,borrow  or give him any money, you too will end up in DEBT

badmemory

My initial answer is NO like many others on here.  My next is a question.  Do you know for sure that the £20k is the total of the debts.  Have you put a "marker" with land registry so you get notified in case anyone tries to take out a loan.  Someone who is prepared to lie to you about one thing is quite capable of lying about another.  Next time he leaves I would be tempted to change the locks.  Check your credit file regularly just in case.

In situations like this I always remember a quote (don't know where from).  Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean that they are not out to get you

The problem with living with someone is that they have access to lots of your information.  Like passport no, NINo, driving licence no, DoB & it goes on

liualvin555

I definitely wouldn't offer to help him unless he asks for help and agrees to be honest/transparent with you in future. 

MarriedtoFinn

Ugh!  I'm with so many others on this.  NO!  He is either a gambler, an addict, having an/several affair(s), or just childishly irresponsible.
You have very different values and levels of personal responsibility.
Marriage vows with this man were a sham on his part, he's a fraud and has used personal charm to get at your resources.  Any contract entered into dishonestly is not binding.
Also, as many others have said, he knows full well where it has gone, and there could well be more to worry about that he's not come clean about yet.  The future doesn't look very rosy either as he may just repeat it all over and over.
He doesn't care about anyone but himself and his own pleasures, and you are his cash-cow.  (With added benefits -  sex, friendship, fun...)
I've seen many relationships like this - they don't get better.  Cut free now and save yourself decades of him dishing out garbage to you and leaving huge messes for you to clean up no matter how unfair.
Do go to someone who will see it as abuse.  Do go and get legal advice.  Protect yourself.  Learn much!  Keep well away from anyone who makes you question anything about their values and behaviour.  Those alarm bells are there for a reason.
You've been lucky enough to realise that you've been had, run quick before it gets worse.

Pollycat

MSE_Kelvin said:

My husband of just over a year (though we've been together for seven years) has got into £20,000 of debt. It's not clear how, although he's a generous person. I own the house we live in, and told him at the start of our relationship I didn't want any debt in the house. I don't earn a great salary, but I'm good with money and have savings. I've thought about getting a 0% credit card or a loan to help pay off his debt, but he struggles with confrontation and has walked out a couple of times, so I'm reluctant to take any of it on in case things don't work out. Should I help him?

The bit in bold would ring big alarm bells to me.

How can you even contemplate taking a loan out to repay his debts when you don't even know how they were accrued?
If his 'walking out' has happened since you learned of this debt, I'd be even more suspicious.

roubiliac

I wouldn’t