Money Moral Dilemma: Should I borrow to help my husband pay off his debt?

Summer76

Please do not do this. I was in a similar situation to you - I owned the house too. My husband ran up credit card debts of thousands of pounds none of which was spent on me or even the household. He asked why I was not helping him to pay off his debts - I told him to sell the designer clothes he wasted thousands on. He never ever offered to help me out with my car etc. If I had taken out a credit card/loan to help him, he would not have made any effort to pay me back. Please, please do not do this. For me, our marriage ended due to his financial situation - all he wanted was for me to support his lifestyle which I refused to do. I am so much better off both financially and my mentally. Get out before it starts to affect you.

happy_to_be_thrifty

Now you’re married this debt is half yours, half the house is his…get a solicitor quickly 

juliebunny

happy_to_be_thrifty said:

Now you’re married this debt is half yours, half the house is his…get a solicitor quickly 

That's simply not true. Only applies to assets acquired during marriage.

juliebunny

Please don't.

I was in a very similar situation. Paid off a debt for a partner so we could start our life in a new home debt free and within a year he had run it up again.
He got an insurance payout during our relationship and never even  told me about it, just spent it on himself having a good time. Meanwhile i worked hard to pay all the Bill's.

We broke up eventually and he tried to take half of everything from me. Luckily we weren't married.
Also suspected he was cheating. He used to storm out to avoid answering difficult questions, he was immature.

The issue here is the financial secrecy, and where else it extends.

Please do better than I did, protect yourself. I wasted ten of the best years of my life with him. 

I know people say these moral dilemmas are made up, I used to think the same until they published mine.

Who ever you are, please get out of this relationship. Talk to friends, I didn't because I knew deep down I didn't want to hear what they would say...find yourself someone who is actually ready for an adult relationship. It's not your job to fix anyone, and you never will. That's up to him.

northernmole

I have the T shirt for this . My husbands business debts started small he had poor credit so stupidly out of a sense of supportive wife with the promise of he was going to turn it all around I took out credit cards . 13 eventually and my own savings drained and his loans maxed out. £80000 debt .  I owned the house from a previous marriage and took out an all in one savings and mortgage account (remortgaging effectively )to pay off all the debts. Didn’t realise how stupid this all was till we divorced I had to take a mortgage to age 75 then got a chronic illness aged 55 and now cannot work . So my advice is to anyone with a friend or family member wanting a loan DO NOT DO IT and know that if a bank won’t lend it to them it’s likely because they won’t be able to pay it back to them (or you) .

amysquie

No don't take out a loan for him, you can still be supportive but he needs to engage with the debt management advice on this website and see a debt counsellor.  Talking about money, especially such a large debt can be very emotional so now the dust has had time to settle, see if you can speak to him calmly and say you want to be supportive and look at ways for HIM to pay off off his debt so you can support him through the process. Say as his wife he needs to be transparent with you as to where the money went - if the shoe were on the other foot he would demand to know wouldn't he?  You can't move forward financially or in terms of your relationship if you don't know exactly what the problem is.
If he continually refuses to engage I'm afraid you'll seriously have to consider where this relationship is going as his debt will only get bigger, and I couldn't trust someone continuing to hide something that big from me. I'm not saying there should be an ultimatum but maybe if it gets to that point he'll come round, maybe not. Your role is to support - not fix - he has to do that himself. I'm sure the experiences people have described in this thread will give you food for thought. Edited to add: get advice from a solicitor now so you know where you stand should you need to end things.

JayD

RAS said:

I'd have serious doubts about continuing this marriage. You've only been married a year, but have been together longer. 

Leave it any likely longer and you'll find that in any financial settlement he's entitled to half the equity and half the savings and you're going to have your portion reduced to allow for half his debt. If you're lucky you might get a better deal now. 

It seems your husband has a serious problem - maybe gambling, maybe subscribing to expensive websites (many gaming ones are expensive), or maybe he is overspending on something else. As your husband, he should be able to confide in you just how his debt arose. It is very suspicious that he is not prepared to do this and will walk out when you have tried to discuss things with him in the past. This not a healthy situation for either of you and you need to seek advice from a free marriage counselling service as how to proceed.

ShinyStarlight1

Responding to those who say “It’s part of a marriage to support your spouse no matter what”…

I think such a view could lead to someone being pressurised into tolerating unhealthy or abusive behaviour from their spouse.

primrose_penguin

Firstly you somehow need to find out how he got into £20,000 debt, you have only been married a short while so I would imagine he was in debt before this happened. Secondly never take out a loan to pay off someone elses debts, he has to be responsible for his own. Do you know how much he earns, you say he is generous but it sounds as if he cannot afford to be generous to have such a large debt. He needs to start talking to you otherwise what hope is there for your marriage, he can't run away everytime there is a difficult problem to discuss. Perhaps you could go with him to a Citizens Advice Bureau, you may find if there is no chance of him repaying this money perhaps he would qualify for a Debt Relief Order, or could make himself voluntarily Bankrupt, they would be able to tell you. Whatever happens in the future make sure you have your own bank account, and you somehow have to protect yourself and your home, which you have paid for, otherwise because you are married he could have a claim on it. Good luck for the future.

PurpleMouse5

It seems there are 2 issues here.

One question is what should anyone do who is in debt and wants to get out of it.

And the answer is almost never to take on more debt to consolidate. There is a sticky at the top of the debt free wannabe board with detailed advice. But basically making a statement of affairs and getting advice from a reputable debt charity. Be very wary of commercial companies selling IVAs, it's unlikely to be the right option unless he has big assets to protect, and they're often missold. Avoid putting debt in your name to protect your house from debt collectors (I can't comment on whether the house would be split with him in a divorce but that's a different issue).

Secondly is the relationship question. To what extent should you support him to do the debt management steps above, and how should you react if he doesn't . That's not something I can comment on.

But whether you are supporting him or not, don't take out more debt to pay off his. I personally wouldn't use your savings to do that either.