Money Moral Dilemma: Should I borrow to help my husband pay off his debt?

kimwp

Should you help your husband, yes - marriage is a partnership.

Should you help your husband by borrowing to take on his debt, no - because that's not helping him, that's enabling him to further borrow and get into more debt. 

He needs to pay off the debt. He can do this with your support if he is open to it, but that ideally stops at moral support and definitely should stop at organisational and research support. He needs an understanding of how to get out of debt and how to live within his/your means.

SquidsIn_23

I’ve been where you are and know exactly how conflicted you feel. I echo what most are saying in that the debt is his responsibility to clear and you should in no way take financial responsibility for it. However there are other ways to be supportive other than putting your own finances at risk. Depending on how long this debt has been left to fester it may be that your partner is just struggling to see a way to organise their way out of it. Looking at balance transfers to 0% cards to minimise interest and pulling together a clear payment plan is a good starting point. Depending on the root cause some counselling/therapy sessions might also be beneficial. 

As an immediate solution to my partners money issues I ended up taking complete control of our family finances (salaries and direct debits all into/from a joint account, cut up cards/delete saved card details/declare personal cards lost and keep the replacements locked away). It sounds extreme looking back but it was the level of ‘comfort’ I needed at the time to know I had done something to help stop the rot. Over time I have slowly relinquished much of this control in an effort to rebuild financial trust with my partner, it’s now on them to maintain the trust.
I wish you the best of luck

catsnfings11

Absolutely not - please don't do it!
I have been in exactly your position just recently. I discovered that my husband had £29k of credit debt and exactly the same he was evasive about how he had spent so much as he had nothing to show for it.
Firstly I applied to land registry to get the house (if it's in both names) separated into tenants in common rather than joint tenants so at least my half was protected.
I made an appointment for him to go to citizens advice and he now has an IVA in place for 6 years. He is only allowed a basic bank account and isn't allowed credit. He makes a payment of over £200 per month towards his debt for 6 years and the rest will be written off.
This solution eases my mind as he can't get ANY credit and also hopefully will learn how to manage his money better

Tiggy_2012

Absolutely not! If he was prepared to talk to you about how he got into debt and how you could work together to stop it happening again then there would be room for discussion. Being single and secure is a much better option than taking on someone else's debt.

PaulSthse

Absolutely not

DianeWales

Oh dear please don't.  Firstly you have worked so hard to build up your own financial stability.  Secondly, you have said you don't know how he built up such a considerable debt!  Is he gambling?  You have already hinted you are afraid he could walk out and leave YOU saddled with some or all of his debt. You sound as though you are doubting the long term viability of the relationship.  In which case you owe it to yourself to protect yourself and your future. Please, please, please DON'T get involved with this.  

Superfi

The thought going through most folks' heads here seems to be 'why are you even asking this?!'. Easy to ask as we are not the one in the relationship and don't know the details of finances, habits, history, etc. You have not said when this debt was accrued, whether it was during the relationship and/or since the marriage, and how long you have known each other beyond this...
My basic advice therefore is to not confuse your love for this person with practical matters. Love them with all your heart, but protect your own finances as these are YOURS and you have worked hard for them. None of us know what the future holds for us and it would be so sad to see you in an awful situation in the future, from trying to help this person in the present. Get your own money and belongings sorted legally asap, and be there for them with your love and support. If that's why they married you, it'll work out.
Best of luck.x

Missy15

How old is this man? He sounds very immature, he definitely knows how he has got into debt. £20, 000 is a substantial amount " to lose" 
Go through his bank statements with him, that will show both of you where his money has gone.
If he has a credit card make him cut it up, 
then point him in the right  direction to get help paying his debt( s) 
Do not pay it off for him, and don't leave him, ( yet!) as he could divorce you, and claim half your assets, then fritter them away as well.
Hopefully he will be more careful in the future once this debt is paid off,  but this is not a good basis for a long marriage I am afraid.

ml4548

No, i dont think you should borrow to pay his debts. I have some concern about your situation if you confront him. I may be completely wrong, but i suggest you talk to someone at your local domestic abuse centre before you decide what to do, and make sure you’re safe. I dont want to be overdramatic, but alarm bells are ringing. 

2021rdsunshine

My opinion might be very unpopular but yes I would help him. And no I’m not being naive, I’m old enough and have a 40 years marriage. 

The post has very limited information about the situation and the relationship between the couple. As far as I’m concerned I’ve married for the better and the worse . Perfect 

 relationships and perfect human beings do not exist and sometimes we don’t know what makes people react the way they do. Saying all that I would insist in a very long and detailed conversation to get to the bottom of things and come up with a plan. It says on the post that your relationship has started years ago. I want to believe that someone who’s in a long relationship has the ability to have a sincere and honest conversation with each other. Wish you luck