Money Moral Dilemma: Would I be stealing my brother's inheritance by caring for our mum?

Willieathere

A few years ago I went through an awful period in my life when mother died and the estate had to be settled. Money and possessions can ruin what was a really strong and loving relationship. My advice would be to never discuss your mothers will alone with her and always involve your brother, seek assurances from him that he’s happy about it and give him time to think about it before going ahead.  Mum may be over the moon but she will not have to live with the fall out and mental strain you will have to endure when she isn’t around if your brother feels he’s been dealt with unfairly.

kbskylady

Why has your brother not been a part of the discussions? As one responder has already said, if you really thought what you plan would be fair, you wouldn't be asking the question.

As I see it, selling both houses to buy a bigger one to accommodate yourself, husband and your Mother (using all the money from the sale of both to buy a bigger one?) means you are assuming you will get the house outright when Mother passes away, while your brother gets half of what's left of any other assets. As I see it, the dice is clearly loaded in your favour with this plan!

Leaving other siblings out in the cold is not nice or fair - what does Mother have to say about this? Does your brother even know what is being planned by you?  We all grow old eventually, and unfair financial arrangements prior to a parent's death can have long term and devastating effects on the other children. I know, I'm living with it.

I wasn't aware until my Mother passed away 13 years ago that my parents' house was actually my brother's: they sold up their modest retirement home on the south coast to return to London because that's what my mother wanted, and it also meant she could have my brother living with them if they gave him the house money to which he then got a little mortgage on the home they then all lived in (he worked about 15 minutes bus ride from the London house, and still does). All I knew was that they'd returned to London and my brother was living with them. Secrets in families will always breed bad blood. When my Father died a little over a year after my mother, my 'inherintance' (there were no wills with either parent) was half the balance of my father's bank current account (£1,000). My brother took the other half for himself with no apparent sense of shame, even though he already had so much, i.e. a valuable property that has contionued to increase in value, and a well paid secure job. Just a year after my Father died, my husband was made redundant, and as the whole sector that he worked in was virtually wiped out he was unable to find another job of that kind. He was already in is late 50s by then. He worked as a lollipop man for 3 years, then part time in a fuel stop as that was all he could get. We lost our own home within a year of his redundancy, having only bought in the year my Mother died, because my salary alone was not enough to pay the mortgage as well as other living expenses. I was then made redundant too in 2015 after my health began to suffer through stress and I was taking 'too much' sick leave.

We have been in private rented accommodation ever since, and have for the past 8 years experienced the horrors of a slum landlord because we are unable to afford anywhere better to live and the law does very little to protect private tenants. My husband, who has a lifelong disability himself, is on state retirement pension; I'm in receipt of ESA at the highest level as I have been too unwell to work for the past 9 years, and will qualify for state pensionnext autumn. I suffer depression and anxiety; I'm also on the Autism spectrum and have an eating disorder from the stress caused over the past 10+ years. My husband is my carer but lost his small Carer's Allowance as soon as he became eligible for state pension. So in effect, had the London house actually been my parents home, and their estate (the house and some furniture, they were never wealthy) been split equally between my brother and self I would have been able to save my own home by paying off the mortgage we had so recently taken out, and I would not now be looking at an insecure old age with no assests to help if either myself or husband need care in the future. Ironically, my sibling - who has no partner or children, is now in poor health himself, though still working full time in a very secure job, and periodically offers for us to move in with him. I can see that he wants a carer for when the time comes but I really don't feel able to do that as what happened all those years ago has affected our relationship.

So, please talk to your brother - he is part of the family and there's no reason that I can see for him to be excluded or sidelined from what comes across as your somewhat self serving plans.

Missy15

To add to others comments, it really is hard work sharing a home and looking after an elderly relative particularly your mum, my sister and I between us shared our mother's house for 6 months doing a few weeks at a time, whilst she was  lucid but immobile, she then ended up in a care home for 15 months.
Even when they are in a care home, unless you abandon them, they are still a huge drain on your time and emotions.
Though there was a trust put in place for the very modest family home many years ago, ( dad was savvy!)a small will in place with us as trustees and the only beneficiaries, and  we both had power of attorney, the paperwork was phenomenal, the financial side was neverending and the health and welfare system, well......
You really must have every i dotted and t crossed before you enter into any of what you are planning, we thought we knew what we were doing but.... 
My sister and I really struggled, luckily  are ok, but we had some terrible arguments due to exhaustion, and my bond with mother during her last year was severely tested as I live very close to the care home we had chosen. 
So keep your brother onside you will need him, discuss everything as a family, above all heed others when they tell you how hard it is.  
It's a nice idea, but in the real world as you all age, not so nice....

Rocketdogroya

It seems as if no one is really considering MUM too much in this situation. It is her money to spend as she wants. She obviously feels she cant cope and needs help and that is what HER savings are for not to give to her children. I think most parents gave what they could whilst the kids grew (for many bank of mum and dad never closes) and then what ever they have left when they pass. However it is her money and surely her well being is more important to her children than 'the crumbs on her table'.

My friend had big plans on how to spend her inheritance but when her dad passed he left NOTHING to his kids all to her mum (rightly so IMO) who later went into care and nothing was left but stuff and keepsakes. 

There are 3 basic options and ALL cost money so will dwindle her pot.

Care home: will take the proceeds of any house sale to cover the cost of care. Care homes are very expensive so it is very unlikely there will be any monies left.

Carers in the home: still expensive but at least you can choose the amount of hours of help. However if your at risk of falls etc this isnt ideal. I know of a man who fell in the shower, breaking his foot, just after dinner and had to lay there all evening and night, naked and wet, until the carer found him in the morning.

Move in with carer:
Seems ideal on the surface but there are so many sticking points as you are finding out.
Mum still wants her independence so is adamant about an annex, but child hasn't got an annex and cant afford one, so mum sells her house to pool with child to buy a bigger house, This has then cost mum her house still the only difference is the benefit will go to child which im sure makes her happier. Depending on your mortgage situation you could possibly add mum as partial owner but this maybe a bad move if she does go into care eventually.

However, if both you and your mum are buying a new place that suits you both, why not add brother onto deeds of house so he is 49.9% (not equal as he can then make decisions over your property) owner of the annex? I am sure that property and ownership can be split like this. You buy it then gift him part? He gets his inheritance and a stake in a property to act as an asset or if your finances permit in the future you can buy him out.

My suggestion like most others is talk about it openly with the full family and a solicitor. There are plenty who specialise in 'elder law'. Your brother may not care one jot about his hoped 'inheritance' if his mum is being cared for so its a moot point?

Whatever happens your mum may live 15-20 more years (hopefully) but by then her care needs will have changed and your ability to help may also change (10 years ago I wasn't in a wheelchair) be prepared for the long HARD slog caring is.

Wyndham

It's the mum's money, not an 'inheritence'. If she wants to leave it all to the cat's home, then that is her right!

My mum occassionally talks about 'spending my inheritence'. Each time I tell her well done and to go for it. I care more about her current quality of life than about any future money I may (or may not) get.

2970sarah

The simple answer is speak to your brother, include him in any discussions and decisions.  Only he can tell you how he feels about the situation.

Accelerando

The plan doesn’t sound quite right to me. I considered doing this for my mother but automatically assumed I’d have to sell the house + annex when she died in order that the Will would benefit all siblings equally and fairly. I would definitely have done this because I would never diddle my siblings out of inheritance, but I didn’t action that idea anyway. 

I’d say discuss this carefully with your brother first and come to a plan that you both agree upon. And don’t assume that your mother is thinking clearly about this, the brain ages as well as the body and she may not be thinking things through thoroughly and sensibly. She may be naturally fearful of a residential care home. Our family carefully viewed 12 care homes and picked a nice one which she really liked and settled in surprisingly quickly with our regular supportive family visits over her final 6 months of life. 

I’m assuming you both have Lasting Power of Attorney ’LPA’ for finance and also LPA for health & welfare, if not then this should be arrange now and set up for both you and your brother to share the burdens during decline and after she has passed on.

It’s worth thinking about the decline from age 85 onwards and the increasing needs. The problem is it is unknown what will happen next and when. But once you get to the falls stage then a care home becomes an inevitable option because lifting is problematic, I found this with my own mother. 

It is possible to keep frail relatives out of a care home for a certain number of years. I kept mine living in her own home for 2-4 years by becoming the family carer visiting her in her own home and doing all the jobs that a team of care home staff would do. This was in effect my unpaid part time job (be prepared, it is a time consuming job) and I saved £200,000-£400,000 care home fees over 2-4 years. But eventually you’ll likely find you need either visiting paid carer staff or a residential care home, and both are expensive. A fall causing a fractured hip is the common emergency that finally leads to a care home. The elderly become unsafe to leave on their own and have ever increasing needs: washing, dressing, toilet, everything. I’d say it’s impossible to care for one’s own parent after a certain stage, depending upon the health issues that occur. 

Commonsense101

If you buy the new property with your mum as tenants in common then your mum could leave her share to both you and your brother - splitting equally. Surely that’s the fairest way - you would then have the option of buying him out. 

UncleJoes

As well as the sensible advice from others to get legal advice on all the options, my personal view is that no-one is entitled to an inheritance. People are free to do what they want with their own money, property or posessions. If a person leaves you something when they die, then it's something to be grateful for, not something you should expect. It's unfair and selfish in my view to expect people to not spend their own money, not to sell their house or not to live their life in the best way for them, just so you can get something when they die. 

I would hope where families have a good relationship that they can discuss these kinds of things between them.

TheHonourableKangeroo

Hello, we were in a not dissimilar situation with an elderly relative, in her 90’s.

To avoid any issues regarding fairness to her other beneficiaries, we were going to adjust our own house accordingly, at our expense, to create the required accommodation, when a small cottage next door became available.
It was less costly to purchase the cottage than to extend our house, so this we did.

It gave our grandmother more independence initially, whilst she was still able. For a few years she was still able to go to social events, elderly clubs etc under her own steam. We just naturally stepped up the care and assistance as and when it became necessary and appropriate. 

Latterly Granny had to go into a care setting, but her funds were still in her own bank account to cover her costs. Whilst she was in the cottage she covered her costs ie electricity, telephone, and home contents insurance, and any shopping bills. This was as we agreed with her, but the bills/accounts were in our name so we could assist her (she found all utilities very confusing latterly).

Before any decisions were made, everything was discussed with my siblings, one of whom was also a POA alongside myself. When Granny passed away we both automatically became Executors of her Estate. With much advice and assistance I wound up her estate, which was not so simple, but is now completed, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, followed her wishes to the letter.

None of this was easy or straightforward, and the issues that arose were not actually anticipated. Every situation will vary, as we and all our elderlies are all very different.

We have just sold the cottage, and have just completed the Gov.UK Capital Gains Tax system (we soon found that it was worth employing an accountant for this). The value of the cottage increased (the capital gain) over the 8 year period, so our initial outlay was recovered, and we have a bit left over after having paid the Capital Gains Tax.

All Granny’s finances were kept in her personal bank accounts, and only served her needs as required. Her POA’s became joint bank account holders, whilst she was able, so that if and when required we could pay bills etc on her behalf. This we found vital as her abilities receded. Her bank was also very helpful, and they are used to assisting under such circumstances.

My advice is:
Keep immaculate and accurate accounts at all times.
Keep all bank statements.
Write notes of everyone you speak to, and the time and date.
Request printed receipts for everything.
Keep physical files of absolutely everything, and then there can be no questions that cannot be answered honestly.

Latterly you will likely become the advocate for your loved one, and if you are a POA or Executor, have been entrusted to act in their best interests.