Money Moral Dilemma: Would I be stealing my brother's inheritance by caring for our mum?

Genii

This needs to be thought about carefully as well as a solicitor's advice sought. Here are some of my thoughts having been unfairly treated.

You will have your bigger house worth more money now and that will appreciate in value, but your brother has to wait to receive half of whatever will be left and likely decreasing in value as some of that gets spent.
What happens if either you or your brother don't outlive your mother?
What happens if you become unable to look after your mother yourself?
What if your mother changes her will in the future, maybe due to declining health affecting her thinking as happened to me?
You already will have been guaranteed some of your inheritance in a bigger house, but your brother won't have had any of his.
You will give up your job, but likely would get Carer's Allowance for taking care of her and she may become in receipt of Attendance Allowance, which may be a doorway to other benefits. 

If your mother wants to treat you and your brother equally (and I hope he is being involved in discussions that will affect his future too) then whatever is given to you to buy a bigger house should also be given to him at the same time out of any money she has left out of the sale of her house. If extra care costs become necessary in the future they could be paid from money she had left plus her pension and any other benefits like attendance allowance and by sharing any cost above that with your brother.

Savvy_Sue

Genii said:

You will give up your job, but likely would get Carer's Allowance for taking care of her and she may become in receipt of Attendance Allowance, which may be a doorway to other benefits. 

TBH, the rate at which Carer's Allowance is paid seems to me hardly worth entering into any financial equation. I am certain that any conscientious carer would 'earn' that many times over! 

Rob5342

You aren't stealing anything, your mother would be giving you a gift that she isn't giving your brother. The question is whether she wants to do something that your brother might think is unfair or or if ahe wants to try and make things more even once she has died. If ahe wants to do the latter then could she:

1, Give you each half of the proceeds of your house with you using your half to move somewhere with an annexe or have one buil

2, Do it the other way round, with you selling your house and giving her the gift, and her buying the nnew house and leaving it to you and your brother in a split proportion or with some sort of trust set up.

It really depends on what she wants you both  to be left with after she dies. If you both want him to be happy then you'll all need to sit down together to work out what to do. Whatever you do you'll need to discuss it all with a solicitor to make sure you have covered all the pitfalla and make sure there are no unintended consequences. 

eileenann59

If your mother was younger and fitter, she could be going on cruises, gambling and partying. She could be spending on new friends and loves. There could be little or no inheritance left at all!

Plus, as has been said by many others, there is no inheritance till someone dies - seems to be a fact that many on here chose to ignore! Envious and greedy eyes are being cast to her home and bank balance, which are hers to do - and squander - as she she wishes.

Discuss alternatives and potential future events with your Mum, brother and any other family. Explore the options openly and amicably. Seek legal advice. Do what is best for your Mum. Good luck!

Sharononline

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My mum's 85 and needs looking after, and I want her to live with me and my husband. We've agreed that we'll sell our house and she'll sell hers so we can afford one with an annex. She's also going to change her will, so that when she dies my brother can't make us sell the house - instead he'd get half of the rest of her assets. On the one hand, I feel like I'm stealing his inheritance, but on the other, I'm prepared to give up my job to look after our mum... (and I'm mindful that if she went into a home, there'd likely be no money left for either of us anyway).

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I note some of the other comments and broadly agree. We did just what you suggest and pooled finances to buy a property with my in-laws. My husband's sister had similar concerns to your brother.  We had a Deed of Trust drawn up by a solicitor which was based on the amount each couple put into the property, in our case roughly 60/40. It specified that when the property was sold the proceeds, after legal costs would be split in that proportion with the 40% going to the in-laws estate. There was no requirement for us to sell as soon as the last one died. This would protect some of your brothers inheritance.  Your mum can then decide how to leave the rest of her estate. 

primrose_penguin

Would it be possible for you to find a house with an annexe by both you and your Mum selling your houses, giving your brother half of what your Mums sells for minus all costs obviously, and putting the new house in your name only, this means your brother would get his share and so would you but now instead of after your Mum passes away. You need to have a family discussion to make these decisions, it would obviously mean your Mum no longer owning any property, I don't know what the law is in cases like this, but it would be worth finding out. Of course your Mum would have to be happy with this arrangement. Think carefully before taking these steps, it is not as easy as you might think looking after an ageing parent, although it is an admirable decision if you decide to go ahead with it. Good luck, but make sure your brother is included in the discussions.

gloriouslyhappy

(Removed by Forum Team)

Caring is a 24 hour job, seven days a week. OP will be giving up her job, benefits and pension prospects, to be carer to her mum. Being 85 now, her mum is only going to get frailer and more dependent on her. OP won't be able to go out with friends, away for holidays and weekend breaks, unless she takes her mum too. Care homes are extremely expensive - so if OP sells her house, mum sells hers and they buy a bigger place suitable for them all, there could actually be money left over for the brother when their mum dies. I think this is a fair arrangement - especially as there is no mention of the brother offering their mum a home with him. Greedy and manipulative? I don't think so!

gloriouslyhappy

@Genii said: whatever is given to you to buy a bigger house should also be given to him at the same time out of any money she has left out of the sale of her house. 

But this fails to take into account the fact that OP will be doing the physical day to day hands-on caring, not to mention the emotional burden as well. She will be giving up her job and her pension prospects to do so. Therefore giving the brother the same amount of the sales proceeds fails to take this into account and disadvantages her in favour of the brother who is not doing any of the work, will keep his job and salary and pension prospects while she gives up hers and will receive the measly carers allowance only.

labradoodle7

Hi, this is a tough one. If you go ahead with the sale of both houses and a sole purchase of a new house, I’m not sure that you can rule out it being contested. You could end up with your brother awarded a share in the new house, and as such could force you to buy out his share, or force a sale. 

It may be best to treat the sale of her house as your family inheritance now, with the proceeds of the sale shared between you and your brother, you can then buy a new home to include your mum. It may mean you can’t have an annexe in the way you’d like, but perhaps a compromise so that she is in a comfortable family home may be possible? 

If you are giving up work to care for her during her remaining years, you may also be able to adjust how the sale proceeds are split to reflect your ‘costs’ - caring for an extra person will add to your household expenses and you will have lost income. 

You should get some independent financial and legal advice whatever you do, particularly on any inheritance tax which may potentially be due after she passes.

ShinyStarlight1

This sounds messy, both financially and emotionally.

At 85, your mother may live for six months or ten years. She may die during the house-buying process.

An open family discussion is needed. At the moment, your brother seems sidelined, which is unfair. 

Surely there is a way of making sure your mother’s needs are met while everyone’s feelings are respected.