Money Moral Dilemma: Would I be stealing my brother's inheritance by caring for our mum?

Advisetotry

I have a large immediate family but can see both sides of the argument. Sometimes girls in the family naturally fall into the 'carer' role when a parent is alone with health concerns, this can often lead to 'over thinking' of others loyalty to that parent and siblings, measured by how often visits are made, phonecalls are made, invitations are made, not to mention Christmas and other celebrated holidays. My advise to you would be to sit down with all directly involved and draw up a plan of action that all (including your mum) are happy with. Parents are often crowd pleasers and will naturally agree with the person in the room or those able to offer the most support, this doesn't mean that they do not care about ALL their children. I don't feel that moving to a larger house would be the best solution, if your present situation doesn't fit the problem. You may be giving your mother an unrealistic expectation that you may find will not only fracture your relationship with her, but may cause problems with your immediate family. Will she be able to remain independent or will she expect 24 hour support from you? Also ,your brother may feel that he is unable to visit your mother without having to see you too. With the best of intentions you may find that you push you brother away from his mother. Inheritance is a privilege not an expectation and while she is alive her money should be spent on providing her with the best care to suit her needs, you need to be careful not to over promise and under deliver as the reality is hard work and when the time comes you will want the support of your family NOT a battle that doesn't need to be drawn.  

dogmumofspringers

It depends on who's name the new house will be in doesn't it? If your mother's selling her house and gives you all the money for a bigger house to accommodate you all and the house is in your name, then you are essentially taking what would have been half of your brother's part of whatever the house was worth if your mother died and hadn't sold her house.

Even with changing her will, your brother's lost out on half of what her old house was worth, and you've gained that, plus you're still getting a half of the rest of her assets, along with a bigger, more expensive house.

If it were me, I'd suggest your mother gave you half of what her house was worth so you could buy the bigger house, and give the other half to your brother, either in her will or some other way.

[Deleted User]

You, your family and Mum need to include your brother in the decision making regarding your Mum’s care - it will only cause more problems if he has been left out of the loop.

I am a carer myself so know how physically and mentally exhausting is to look after someone 24 / 7 - you will need his help, particularly if you were to become ill yourself.  Besides he may have a better idea for her care.

elsien

One final comment for those saying you and your brother need to set up a power of attorney.

It is the mother’s decision if she wants a power of attorney. It is the mothers decision who she wants to act for her -if she wants one child and not both or neither children and someone independent that is completely up to her.
That is absolutely not the children’s decision to make on her behalf. 

Ditto, it doesn’t matter what the potential beneficiaries think about the will because it’s not their decision either. 

It also doesn’t matter how much the OP discusses things with the brother because this is the mother’s decision. They can discuss all they like, but they don’t get to decide. 

There’s a bit of a sense of entitlement going on here and no one is entitled to anything except what Mum decides they are. 

 

GBee123

It’s your mums decision. Plain & simple. Your mum is considering your time, effort, dedication, stress levels (phone calls, hospital visits will be a-plenty), your commitment to her full time care as you will be leaving paid employment, the impact of caring on your future pension-
Why on earth should these things be thrown by the wayside like they don’t matter, when in actual fact these are the most important things to your mum.  So this is why she is happy to gift her house to you if that is her choice.

Your mum needs to let your brother know that this is her plan. She will need to Have something in writing asap so there is no legal challenge down the line, signed by a solicitor to ensure the ‘sound mind’ element Is covered.  End of. 

lesbro

My mother sold her house after my father died and put some money into a new house that we bought together. Within 2 years she decided to marry again so we said we would sell up and give her back the amount she had put in. This caused a big rift in the family as property prices had gone up and other family members thought she should get more. They never considered that we had to increase our mortgage. She moved into sheltered accommodation with her new husband. To this day I wonder if I regret it.

Retreated

It sounds sadly as if your family did not talk enough about what sound like a set of good decisions. Even to have communicated the mortgage increase and kept a tally could have helped. Readers and problem poser please note how important open communication is. In practice. 

ClaireBear83Sx

My parents did similar for my Nan.  Nan sold her house after my Grandad passed, moved in with us and then we used the proceeds to build an annexe on the back of the house for her.  As it wasn't an independent building, the heating, water, electric etc were all added onto my parents existing bills and my mum was a full time carer for my nan so used to drive her around and take her out, which she only got carers allowance for.

But irrespective of all that - at the end of the day, until she passed, her money was hers to do what she wanted with (and we made sure she spent as much of it as possible on what she wanted!) and she chose to sell her house and use the money to build somewhere to live her final years out in ease and comfort.  It wasn't an "asset" that could be used for inheritance purposes, as although her money had been used to build it, it all belonged to the property that was owned by my parents.

Nan did change her will to ensure that there could be no attempts at her other children staking a claim on my parents house, but that was just added protection for my parents and it was HER decision.

At the end of the day, this isn't for you to worry about.  Whatever your brother thinks, as long as your mum is compos mentis when she has her will re-written and she chooses what she wants to happen with her money and assets etc after she has passed, it is not your decision, it is not your choice and it is not your problem.

Sea_Shell

Try thinking of this another way...

If you were renting and all decided to rent a much bigger house, to enable Mum to move in, with Mum paying the difference in increased rent from the sale of her house, would you still be as keen?

supermoxy

Talk to each other and work as a team. It is not just about money - caring is incredibly hard and takes a huge toll on the carer’s health so you will need help and support. Work out what is best for all of you and it is true that Mum may still have to go into care in the long run. Be aware of the NHS continuing healthcare assessment - the NHS will contribute to care costs if the care need is medical rather than just social care.
You can never count on an inheritance - it is Mum’s money and if she needs it spent on her then so be it. A care home is not a waste of money - my Mum’ home was wonderful but worked out less than £9 an hour for 24 hour care. Would you be on duty for 24/7 for less than £9 an hour? After 8 years coping at home as a family we finally made the sensible decision to find a good care home. Good luck!