Money Moral Dilemma: Would I be stealing my brother's inheritance by caring for our mum?

pennyforthem

kbskylady said:

Why has your brother not been a part of the discussions? As one responder has already said, if you really thought what you plan would be fair, you wouldn't be asking the question.

As I see it, selling both houses to buy a bigger one to accommodate yourself, husband and your Mother (using all the money from the sale of both to buy a bigger one?) means you are assuming you will get the house outright when Mother passes away, while your brother gets half of what's left of any other assets. As I see it, the dice is clearly loaded in your favour with this plan!

Leaving other siblings out in the cold is not nice or fair - what does Mother have to say about this? Does your brother even know what is being planned by you?  We all grow old eventually, and unfair financial arrangements prior to a parent's death can have long term and devastating effects on the other children. I know, I'm living with it.

I wasn't aware until my Mother passed away 13 years ago that my parents' house was actually my brother's: they sold up their modest retirement home on the south coast to return to London because that's what my mother wanted, and it also meant she could have my brother living with them if they gave him the house money to which he then got a little mortgage on the home they then all lived in (he worked about 15 minutes bus ride from the London house, and still does). All I knew was that they'd returned to London and my brother was living with them. Secrets in families will always breed bad blood. When my Father died a little over a year after my mother, my 'inherintance' (there were no wills with either parent) was half the balance of my father's bank current account (£1,000). My brother took the other half for himself with no apparent sense of shame, even though he already had so much, i.e. a valuable property that has contionued to increase in value, and a well paid secure job. Just a year after my Father died, my husband was made redundant, and as the whole sector that he worked in was virtually wiped out he was unable to find another job of that kind. He was already in is late 50s by then. He worked as a lollipop man for 3 years, then part time in a fuel stop as that was all he could get. We lost our own home within a year of his redundancy, having only bought in the year my Mother died, because my salary alone was not enough to pay the mortgage as well as other living expenses. I was then made redundant too in 2015 after my health began to suffer through stress and I was taking 'too much' sick leave.

We have been in private rented accommodation ever since, and have for the past 8 years experienced the horrors of a slum landlord because we are unable to afford anywhere better to live and the law does very little to protect private tenants. My husband, who has a lifelong disability himself, is on state retirement pension; I'm in receipt of ESA at the highest level as I have been too unwell to work for the past 9 years, and will qualify for state pensionnext autumn. I suffer depression and anxiety; I'm also on the Autism spectrum and have an eating disorder from the stress caused over the past 10+ years. My husband is my carer but lost his small Carer's Allowance as soon as he became eligible for state pension. So in effect, had the London house actually been my parents home, and their estate (the house and some furniture, they were never wealthy) been split equally between my brother and self I would have been able to save my own home by paying off the mortgage we had so recently taken out, and I would not now be looking at an insecure old age with no assests to help if either myself or husband need care in the future. Ironically, my sibling - who has no partner or children, is now in poor health himself, though still working full time in a very secure job, and periodically offers for us to move in with him. I can see that he wants a carer for when the time comes but I really don't feel able to do that as what happened all those years ago has affected our relationship.

So, please talk to your brother - he is part of the family and there's no reason that I can see for him to be excluded or sidelined from what comes across as your somewhat self serving plans.

My heart goes out to you, it is the hardest thing I have had to deal with to have to deal with loosing my health and witness my life crumbling around me and there's nothing I could do It's very hard to let go of any negative emotions towards those people who failed to keep me safe and that if I was a horse I would have received treatment and not had my life taken away from me especially when there is still hope that you could be saved.

It sounds like you have not asked your brother for an explanation often in understanding the other's experience of a situation, we can gain peace and therefore move forward. I understand you probably feel like you have had your heart ripped out, so this may be too much at the moment if so try thinking about the events from an analytical point of view you are hunting for evidence that goes against how you feel, so when did your brother first offer that you could move in with him was it before his health declined or after? When your parents were alive, were they fully capable or require assistance? Because when we are distressed it is hard to see any good, it is not until we calm down and have found some acceptance that we can start to see alternative perspectives that could allow us peace.

Ask yourself things like did you have a close relationship with your brother before you found out? Is he a kind person? Is he materialistic and shallow? Were your parents under the impression you were doing very well in life?

You may also want to consider that if you were previously close, while it is emotionally difficult, is this how you want the last memories of your brother to be?

If you go to your library, they should have big booklets packed full of information of all different types of help, from financial to carers.

Stress has a big impact on our health, so I very much hope you can find peace and stability in your life XXX

DoingMyBest1

It’s important to understand why you’re doing it. Is it because you need a new property with an annex to care for your mother because it has the facilities to do so or is it because you want to buy a new house with an annex because you want a bigger house? Do you need a new house with an annex or can you care for your mother with the existing houses? What are your brother’s views and is he unable to commit to caring for your mother in the same way because he doesn’t want to give up his career? It’s unfair to say that because you’re willing to give up your job to care for your mother that you should be entitled to more money. Are you doing this because you don’t enjoy your job? Can you get carers in instead or do you actually intend to spend time with your mother and support her 100% of the time? This is going to be harder than any career as you need to treat your mother with love and respect all the time, as if she was in a care home. There’s a lot to consider and you need to make sure that financial gain is not the reason you’re doing this. If you still want to do it but have guilt, agree to share equally with your brother no matter how hard it sounds and he might not expect you to move out after she passes anyway. Another arrangement could be made after her passing and whatever you do, do it with love and care for your mother and your brother no matter what - treat them equally.

bunnygo

what happens if you can no longer provide the care? We are all just one accident or illness away from needing care ourselves. This is not a robust plan.

Flying_By

Are you not able to have your mum assessed to see if she could qualify for carers to come in to look after her several times a day. My brother and I have this arrangement with the carers visiting 4 times a day and it really helps us.  Yes there is a payment of £100 per month (in Wales - not sure if it differs elsewhere) but it's well worth it.  She also enjoys seeing the carers as it breaks up an otherwise long day for her.
My husband was cut out from receiving anything from his parents by his 2 sisters.  He's very bitter about the whole thing.  How would you feel if your brother turned around and did the same thing to you?

JanTheGran

First and foremost go and seek financial advice from a solicitor, not just a financial advisor. I can see a whole minefield of potential financial problems here, many of which have been mentioned. You need to protect yourself against unexpected scenarios that could crop up.

dirtmother

It's impossible to say. 

Years ago I was professionally involved in a situation where just this had been done (without, as i recall the complication of another sibling giving rise to inheritance). It could have been excellent. It was not... (formal complaints would be made if visiting carers so much as entered the sole kitchen to get a drink of water for the person in need of care...)

It would be well worth looking through the archives of the Open Justice Court of Protection project to see what can happen.

Sometimes people are deeply cynical to the point of abusive, sometimes they've been naive about what providing care involves (and the impact on partners etc)... sometimes its the siblings who are naive about the need for care and the personal cost to the family member providing care. Often, the parent who hasn't been able to be clear-eyed for themselves, or transparent to others.

As you can see, there will be plenty of people who see you as an angel and plenty who will see you as a devil. I feel your family needs expert guidance on this.

Newly_retired

Not sure if this has been fully explored but at some point, if there is a future need to pay for care, Deprivation of Assets could come into play, if, for example, the money from mother’s house sale has been shared out, half to you to buy a bigger house, half to you brother. If mother needs additional carers or has to go into a care home eventually, and she has no money to pay, the local authority will ask questions about DoA.

jjay13

This is not the occasion for taking advice from well-meaning amateurs. See a Solicitor NOW!

Glockers78

It would seem to me that you are trying to do the best thing for your mum here and not for capital gain.
I think this scenario is quite common and it often causes family rifts when entitled people are only interested in financial gain and not what is best for their loved ones. I think that the advice given by others to involve your brother in the decision-making process is the best option.

Retreated

As someone who has just been disinherited with no prior family discussion and no word from my sister who has now seen the will (lodged with it was a letter to me from my mother justifying her decision to give everything to my sister) giving her everything,  I can only say the pain caused is from the unfairness being perceived deeply as lack of love and so very hard to bear. 

Discussion would have given the opportunity to air differences and even arrive at a shared conclusion. This way… pain for me! And a challenge to forgive my sister. Who turns to me for help even today. Although my mother gave her reason as she knew I would never help her if asked. So she had to help her out. Continuing silence from my sister rubs salt into the wound. Even now I realise we need to talk about this.
Talk soonest with your brother and mother, I’d advise.